Flashback

RonovanWrites Weekly Haiku
Poetry Prompt Challenge #80

This two word combo brought me right back to the 80’s.

This week’s prompt words are:  Style & Fresh

Back in the 80’s,
Your style was funky fresh,
Or it was straight whack.

This may not be a proper haiku but it was fun and a good laugh for Monday morning.

 

Missing You

Don’t get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.”― Dolly Parton

To some extent, that’s what happened during my unexpected two month hiatus from blogging. Since I am self employed, at the end of the day, everything falls into my lap. Luckily, work has been good. Busy. And that’s why I needed to concentrate moreso on work and a little less on my extracurricular activities.  Plus, there is a part of me that cringes just a little every time I sign in and see “Battered Wife Seeking Better Life”.  Blech.  So depressing.

That being said, I’ve been missing you. My blogging community, writing, and reading your work. I had some free time today and decided to catch up with my haiku family and do some writing. It’s hard to believe I ended on Challenge #71 and on Monday, Challenge #80 will be posted. When I sat down this morning, I wasn’t sure if I’d have the desire to write a haiku – let alone eight of them – but it is just like riding a bike.  I hope you enjoy.

Challenge #79 – Prompts: Crystal & Hope
Meditation helps,
Find hope for some, while others
Use healing crystals.

Challenge #78 – Prompts: Vast & Clear
Telescopic view,
Bringing us the vast heavens,
With great clarity.

Challenge #77 – Prompts: Year & New
Count down ten to one,
As the year begins anew,
We resolve to change.

Challenge #76 – Prompts: Sing & Day
The prescription said,
Sing daily to soothe your pain,
Just cover your ears.

Challenge #75 – Prompts: Charm & Look
Looks may draw you in,
Charm will keep you attentive,
Love will melt your heart.

Challenge #74 – Prompts: Cake & Wolf
The wolf in sheep’s clothes,
Seeking to devour your soul,
And finish with cake.

Challenge #73 – Prompts: Black & White
Those who only see,
Everything in black and white,
Miss out on rainbows.

Challenge #72 – Prompts: Life & Give
Behold the wonder,
Life given from another,
Taken for granted.

When I signed in today, I didn’t realize it’s been exactly two months since my last post.  Thank you, Ronovan, for saving my place.

Blue Skies

RonovanWrites Weekly Haiku
Poetry Prompt Challenge #71

This week’s prompt words are:  Cover & Color

haiku 71 pic

Like a warm blanket,
Azure skies are a backdrop,
To fluffy white clouds.

Four things to remember when writing haiku:

  • You have three lines of poetry.
  • 17 total syllables in the 5/7/5 pattern.
  • You normally tell two opposite images in the poem.
  • Lines one and two should read as a complete sentence and lines two and three should read as a complete sentence.

Notice the word normally. You can have the poem be about aspects of the same thing, but normally you look at it from two different ways.

I almost never think of the opposing themes when first writing the haiku.  My initial thoughts are to fit the words into something that sounds decent and then I check my syllable use.  If I’m somewhat happy with what popped out of my brain, I’ll knead the words until I’m satisfied enough to share the finished product.

Like a warm blanket, azure skies are a backdrop.
Azure skies are a backdrop to fluffy white clouds.

Although it was not consciously my intent, I think the contrast in colors of azure and white work well enough as an opposing image.

Sunday Sonnet

RonovanWrites Weekly Haiku
Poetry Prompt Challenge #70

Ronovan enjoys racking our brains a little too much, I think.

This week’s prompt words are:  Crane & Gold

Expect great changes,
When we broaden our thinking,
Reap gold in wisdom.

Expect great changes when we broaden our thinking.
When we broaden our thinking, reap gold in wisdom.

A Bit Challenging

My mood has been somewhat -wishy washy- this past week.  I thought about taking a break from all social media, blogging, etc. Basically… people in general. I’ve been feeling an overwhelming need to withdraw. Not really sure why. I even passed up Ronovan’s Haiku Challenge last week.  Thought about doing the same again this week.  Then I just sat here.  Figured, let me just suck it up and write a haiku.  What’s the big deal?  Of course, me being me, I need to check the words from last week and see how to incorporate them with this week’s prompt words and still come up with something that has a personal meaning to where my mind is presently at.

Ronovan Writes Weekly Haiku Prompt Challenge #67 Prompt Words: Cheer & Call and Challenge #68 Prompt Words: Muse & Pen.  No problemo.  Right?  Write.

I’m never good with titles, and giving this haiku one proved to be a little difficult.  My reason for giving it this title is mostly because of what the haiku itself is saying.  It’s not always an easy task to think about one’s past and still move forward optimistically and confident.  Sometimes it can be …

A Bit Challenging
Reflect on dried ink,
As optimism guides you,
With renewed command.

Decided to use synonyms this week:
cheer – optimism
call – command
muse – reflect
pen – ink

My take on opposing themes:
Reflecting (on the past) & Renewed (looking to the future)

Hope you guys enjoyed.

Meanwhile…

…back at the ranch.

This seems like as good a time as any to update y’all on what’s been going on.  Before you get too excited, my address hasn’t changed.  Rest assured, when that day arrives the accompanying blog post title will be straight to the point with something like…I’ve Moved or My New Address Is or more appropriately…It’s Finally Over! Nevertheless, there are a few things that have been happening in between all of the poetry sessions and lack of [this is my life] blogging.

So. In the proper order, last month, my blog turned 2 years old. What?  How have I been blogging for two years?  How have I been talking about this Godforsaken subject for two years?  And how the hell have I still been here for two years?  I know.  Except what I see is… oh man, those two years FLEW by and I can smell the finish line!  I know it’s hard to really fathom how and why I’m still here but I’ve discussed that already.  And in all honesty, the violence is no longer there and there are minimal to no verbal outbursts at this point in time. So it’s really like sitting in a waiting room watching the clock with the stereotypical grumpy elderly folk we see on television who complain about everything.  In fact, funnily enough, while I’m doing the necessary legwork for my exit, he seems to be in a nesting phase for the future of “growing old together”.  It’s really pathetically entertaining because I already know how the show ends.

Something else new and exciting (NOT) that has happened is that I turned 45 this month.  I know, how joyous.  It’s all good because I still feel super young.  Probably younger than I should which must be a good thing, right?  For longevity and all that.  And even though I consider myself pretty keen already, I’m really starting to get into the endless possibilities that the future holds.  It’s not just about living my life, this life, free from drama.  Now it’s more like…what else is there?  What have I been holding myself back from that I may have not even realized.  Even the smallest nuance of change will be a big thing.  And with each little thing will be an ever evolving me.  A friend of mine always says he’s a work in progress. Now I get it.

Okay, now hold on to your seats because this one is a biggie.  If you’ve been following me since the beginning or have read my story in full or are just happening upon this blog for the first time…you’ll get it.  Look at the title of my blog.  I just turned 45.  This has been my life for the last 28 years. I knew the time was approaching.  I could feel it coming.  I wasn’t sure how the hell I was going to do it or what I was going to say but… I told my mother.

I know.  You’re like…she totally already knew.  Yes and no.  She knew of an incident that happened in the past.  She knew I left to go to the shelter a million years ago.  And she knew he was an a-hole.  But she had no idea to what extreme. And she sure didn’t know it’s been going on this long.  I was concerned about telling her because I didn’t know how she’d react to some of the things I discussed about my past.  People have a funny way of interpreting the written word.  I didn’t want anything I wrote to sound as if I was blaming anyone else, especially her, for my predicament.

The day after my birthday, I spoke to my mother on the phone.  I told her that I had a secret.  I reassured her that I was not ill and I figured I’d lighten the mood and told her not to worry that I wasn’t going to “become Bruce”.  With that, I explained how no one ever knew that I liked to write and that I’ve been writing since I was a teenager.  I told her that I started blogging a couple of years ago and that I felt like now was the appropriate time to share it with her.  I didn’t mention the topic.  I had shared the blog with my sister a few months ago and she was with my mother so she was there as a sort of buffer.  Then I waited three long days until she read it in it’s entirety.

My sister seemed optimistic when I told her I was ready to share it. She was glad I was ready.  I was nervous but hopeful.  After writing about it for the past two years, I feel somewhat detached from it now.  Like, this is more of a story to me than the reality of it being my life.  So when my mother called, I was almost more concerned about the writing critique than about the overall horror of this breaking news.  I knew it was going to impact her.  I kept checking with my sister to see if my mother was okay while she was reading it.  Being a mother myself, it’s almost more painful knowing after the fact that your child went through something so unimaginable and even though you were right there you had no idea of their despair.  So I knew her emotions would take her all over the place.

You can all breathe a sigh of relief.  I’m not really sure what negativity I anticipated but her response was anything but.  We live in different states so it’s hard to really discuss this openly  now without being interrupted by people on both ends walking in and out of the rooms we’re in.  I’m thinking a more in depth face to face conversation is in the near future.  All and all it was a positive response. Another huge bolder has been lifted off of my chest. Another person knows and I’m still breathing. Another person who knows ME knows.  The wall is getting lower.  That’s almost as scary as the actual departure!

Now that I am older and wiser (not THAT much older – or wiser), I can see a lot of the err of my ways.  The biggest is… I chose to stay silent.  If you don’t act as if you need help, how can anyone know it should be offered?  I was a pro at covering up mental and physical warfare.  So for anyone that may have known of even one incident or suspected any future incidents, I tried my hardest to keep it hidden so that I would never be confronted by anyone. Either for fear of having to admit it and be embarrassed that it was happening or for fear that they’d try to help me leave and then all hell would break loose.  The same hell that I had been trying to keep from happening since day one.  So I slowly removed the possibility of anyone finding out by just removing mostly everyone from my life.  I kept it down to the bare minimal and the further the better.

Friends and family at arms length worked best for me.  Over the phone relationships were even better.  That way, I was able to breathe.  No sudden pop ins.  No expected dinner and drinks at my house.  In living that way for so long it became normal.  So much so that people would joke with me that they were going to pull a drop in.  I would laugh.  It was all funny ha ha but I would be physically panicking.  What if they were serous?  For years my abuser wouldn’t care about arguing in front of other people.  of course nothing insane.  Just him having an a-hole opinion about one thing or another to show how he was a big mouth.  So to avoid the possibility of that, I would just shut it all down.  Lights out.  Television off.  Everyone in one room.  No one goes near the door.  Don’t even open the refrigerator so the light doesn’t go on.

Nowadays, I think about how it will be living on my own.  Mostly, I look forward to the silence and in all honesty, being alone.  I’ll probably be like that for a while.  However, once the dust settles, I think it will be easy to merge back into “society” so to speak.  Life on the other side of 45, seems to be bright and shiny.  I’ve got a lot of catching up to do…God help society.  :-)