Saturday’s Situation

Saturday is my favorite day of the week. For me, it’s the first day of the week that I don’t have to wake up early, or work or even get out of bed. At the moment, I’m propped up in the bed in a semi sitting up position with hella pillows supporting my back, and my head leaning on the headboard. Deciding on what to have for lunch and scrolling through social media for the last 20 minutes or so. Yeah…it’s Saturday.

As I scroll through Instagram, I see that (the singer) Pink posted her practice of the National Anthem for tomorrow’s Superbowl. I have an affinity for football so I’m excited to see the game, even though my team totally bit ass this season. The half time show is going to be Ahhmazing because… hellooo… it’s Justin Timberlake! And Pink is the icing on the cake.

The next thing that happens is my brain takes a left turn and starts this game of association. Thinking about the abuse stats associated with Super Bowl Sunday. Then reminiscing about a few years back when the #NoMore movement made it’s debut with the first ever PSA campaign against domestic violence during the Super Bowl.

In case you forgot: 2015 Super Bowl #NoMore ad

As we know, the problem of abuse and sexual assault is still widespread, as 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men have experienced intimate physical violence in their lifetimes. However, this is the first time in history that victims are standing united and coming forward. For those of us that are in the lower to middle class statistics, we see that it really has nothing to do with your status. Half of the Hollywood elite are stepping forward to speak their truth.

Which brings my brain to another left turn, remembering Oprah’s speech at the Golden Globes. And when Oprah talks…people listen! The entire speech was perfect in every way but the part that spoke to me directly was:

“What I know for sure is that speaking your truth is the most powerful tool we all have. And I’m especially proud and inspired by all the women who have felt strong enough and empowered enough to speak up and share their personal stories… So I want tonight to express gratitude to all the women who have endured years of abuse and assault because they, like my mother, had children to feed and bills to pay and dreams to pursue. They’re the women whose names we’ll never know.”

Right there… the truth, spoken outloud, to the elite and destitute, to everyone watching, to everyone who didn’t watch but will hear about it, or read about it. Right there is where I said… You, are welcome… and my name, is Dawn.

It was at that moment I knew, I would never have to shy away from or be embarrased by my story ever again.

So after all of the left turns my brain made this Saturday morning, here I am… still chillaxin, grateful that I was able to do what needed to be done, as I had always planned, with minimal impact and less hiding than anticipated. Excited for the day in the near future when my Divorce Decree is delivered and reveling in the thoughts of everything to come thereafter.

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Monday Morning

My motto…

Everything happens for a reason.

You won’t be able to recognize it when you’re in the midst of turmoil but when it’s time for your lesson to be revealed you will gain that perspective.

Trust and believe you have the power and resolve to make it through and you most definitely will emerge victorious!

It has just barely crossed over that midnight threshold into what will soon become Monday morning and I still can’t seem to fall asleep. All I keep thinking about is how it is two full weeks into the New Year and I have yet to post an update.  Then I sign in and A) get disgusted at the fact that I haven’t posted since July, and B) can’t seem to figure out why (as per WordPress) my “stats are booming”. It amazes me that people are continuing to read my blog even without regular updates. I am humbled by it and extremely grateful, yet saddened by the truth of the matter that… you read because you can relate.

I hope to start posting a little more regularly, if I can reign in my concentration with staying focused on work and only work during work hours. Did I mention…work. Yeah, it kills most of the hours in my day. But I will try hard to get here on the weekend and make some time to post little tidbits and updates.

If you are wondering what has been going on….

Just imagine me as Julie Andrews twirling around on a grassy mountain singing about the hills being alive with the sound of music. Etc.

Yes, I’m twirling.

Happy 2018!

Goals

goals

It has been close to 30 years since I was first struck by the man who would become my husband. After numerous brutal beatings, three children, non-stop threats of murder if I dare leave, in addition to my own prayers for my life to end so I could be free of the abuse…somehow, I survived.

The depth of my fear, fueled by my hate, gave me a pinpointed focus to raise my children and upon the last turning 18… get the hell out! Well, that time is upon me.

I’ve been counting down the days for way longer than I can remember.  Once they became a realistic number, I thought to myself… this is about to get real.  FAST!  Then before I knew it, the days went from 365 to less than half of that number, to within the same calender year and now… mere weeks.  Now, mental preparation.

There is still so much to get done before I go.  Loose ends to tie up.  People I want to explain my inevitable absence to.  And then there is my family.  I allowed my sister and mother to enter into my secret life and read my blog.  When they had a full understanding of my life thus far they seemed genuinely distressed over what I had been through.  My parents had only known about one episode early on but I did a good enough job hiding the life I endured that they had no idea it continued, most especially not for 25+ years.

Since absorbing that I most definitely do intend to go through with my exit plan, my mother and sister seem (to me) to be more concerned about what they need to do to protect themselves than they are about anything I will be going though.  The words, “how can we help” have yet to be spoken.  As these last days are closing in, these words, or lack thereof, have shaken me.  Although I do have friends that have offered their help, I can’t help but feel very much alone.  I’ve been taken back to a mental state where I need to fend for myself, and fear has kicked in.  Worst of all, every specific I had planned for this exit, I now feel unsure about.  I’m second guessing, feeling anxious and deciding whether or not I need to make changes.

On another note, I work from home.  I guess that being helpful or hurtful is up for debate but the point is, I work.  And I do so for many hours a day.  Yet, like many, many others, I live from check to check.  I have been able to put some money to the side for this event.  However, I did not start doing so until the end date was too close for comfort realizing I was broke.  So yeah, my resolution…save something…anything!  I am very much aware that is not nearly enough.  This has added panic on to every other emotion I’m feeling.

How the hell, where the hell, what the hell…am I going to do?  I do not like borrowing.  I’ve had to in the past and it’s just so uneasy for me.  I know I’m not the only one that feels that way.  Unrelated to financial issues, when asking for help – on any level – I’ve been let down more often than not.  So even being here right now, asking, begging, is surreal.  This is so uncomfortable and I apologize for even attempting to have the audacity to think anyone….everyone… doesn’t have a million other things more important to donate money to than me.

I am not even close to a special case.  There are so many of us.  Abuse victims.  And although I haven’t felt like a “victim” for a long time – due to my abuser’s very painful rheumatoid arthritis (lucky me) – Now, I am just a victim of my own poor financial planning.  I don’t even know where to start in asking people to donate, or what an appropriate amount is to ask for.  All I can think of is that if I can afford to pay rent for at least six months, then maybe I can be less stressed about the initial “hiding” period.  My son will be with me and I am not going to be ready for either one of us to be out and about, at least not for the first month or so.  I need to make sure we are completely safe.

This is going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever pulled off.  If there is just one aspect of it that I don’t have to worry over, I would be beyond appreciative.  Once I am fully free, paying it forward will be in using my voice and being as loud as possible for those of us that are still in hiding.  It has been 30 years since I was abused by someone who claimed to love me, and it is clear that this epidemic is far from over.  It’s not even close to ending with me; there are so many others out there.  Every anonymous account needs a voice.  A new fight I look forward to getting into head on.

For those of you who find it in your heart to donate anything to me… I thank you in advance and will be forever grateful.  If you are unable to donate, please share this on your social media.  Many thanks to those of you who donated.  XOXO

Click here to read my full story.

Weekend Update

Have you ever watched a movie or television show where someone had a demon enter and take over their body?  And when the demon was done the person basically choked out this mist of blackness that just dissipates? With that imagery in mind…

When I started blogging about my situation, I reached far into my memory to scoop up all the demon exudates and flush it out in one fell swoop.  I didn’t know how much I wanted and needed it out of me until I started choking up that mist of blackness.

At a certain point (I know exactly when it was but that is for another time), it became obvious to me I was done.  It was evident in a way that I felt on different levels, physically, mentally, emotionally… I was exhausted.  Reliving all of those memories were SO VERY necessary but it took an emotional toll I wasn’t expecting.  However, I needed to go through all of it.  Again.  I needed to say it.  Get it out.  To whoever would or wanted to listen (read).  It was time.  This was the catalyst that would bring me where I needed to be.

Once my writing caught up to the here and now, and there was nothing left to cough up, the feeling of… ‘now what?’ crept up on me.  What else was I going to say?  What I knew for sure was that in no way did I want to give my abuser anymore airtime.  I’m over that part of the story.  I don’t want to linger in the memories of what happened to me when I was young and naive and still thought I knew everything.  I’m not that person anymore and I don’t want to dwell in that negativity and sadness.

It was now a matter of playing the waiting game and I wasn’t going to do that in a forum where other people reading do not have the luxury to sit around and wait for the clock to strike a point in time that was suitable to them.  People who are in immediate, life threatening danger and need to get the hell out now.  Woman and men who are not sitting back but instead are proactive in getting justice for their situation.  Neither of those scenarios apply to me so who the hell am I to sit here writing poetry on a backdrop of abuse? Give me a break.

As therapeutic as it was for me, there was a part of it that made me feel hypocritical.  If there’s anything I’m not, it’s a hypocrite.  In a small sense, there was a voice saying… ‘omg shut up already, why are you even still talking about this? Why are you writing poetry?  This idiot is sitting downstairs and you’re upstairs laughing and having a great time online with strangers.’  Almost as if… how dare I?  I don’t even know what that was about but it was there.  Hovering.

Not to worry though, as it usually does, real life stopped all that chatter.  Gave me more important things to deal with.  A few bumps in the road in the health department.  Nothing that couldn’t be taken care of with a few extra (annoying) visits to the doctor.  So yeah, that was fun.  It just happened to be one thing on top of the other and obviously that was of higher importance than me sitting down to blog.

There were other things in the mix going on simultaneously that just brought my head down.  None of it – had to do with the abuser or that part of the story.  All of it – put me in a place where I just didn’t want to talk to anyone.  And on top of all of it, I still had to work. And work was getting more and more behind because of doctors appointments and because of me just not caring.

So here we are.  More than a year since true blogging.  I almost forgot how to navigate this website. I feel like a newbie… am I doing this right?  When I signed in, I looked at my stats and thought… people are still reading this?!!  Why?  Well, because the abuse hasn’t stopped.  Several messages say my stats are booming.  So yeah, I need to stop the shit and get back to blogging.

Looking back at my last post (January 1st), I’m slightly disappointed because I had hoped… and had every intention of being back here, at the very least, once a week.  Not so much for me to exercise my write-rs muscles – which need major strengthening – but more so to connect with my people.  The fellow bloggers whose posts I looked forward to reading.  I miss the back and forth in the comments and just … all of it.

Yesterday, I signed in to Twitter (another place I went MIA) and saw there were messages from a few people that I regularly spoke to.  I was happy to see they cared but sad that I left off without saying anything or without at least checking in once in a blue moon.  I’ve felt that fear of thinking something happened to someone I met online, in the same situation, who you can’t call or stop by to check on, and it’s a scary thought.  For that, I apologize to anyone who was worried.  I really didn’t think I’d be absent for so long.

So, here comes the actual update.

It’s not the exciting post-abusive marriage update but it’s as close as it can be today.

I had set an exact exit date a while ago but I didn’t want to advertise it because that’s exactly when things don’t go the way you plan.  Too bad you can’t see my face right now because as I am typing this the smile is getting ridiculously giddy.  Anywhooo…. it’s really close.  I’m still counting double digit days but it’s like… right here.  If I disappeared from the blogosphere again, it would come sooner than my history of returns. If that makes sense.

So yeah, sorting, shredding, storage, repeat.  The clock is ticking SO loud.  I’m nauseatingly excited.  No worries, I’m ever vigilant… always taking note of the enemy.  He is very aware I’m leaving.  We’ve discussed it in not so specific terms but he knows it’s coming.  At this point, it is what it is.

Everything is going to be alright.  I can feel it.

It’s right there… I can see it.  So, so close.

Love you guys.  XO

Off The Cuff

fullsizerender

As much as I knew I would be here…today, the thoughts of what I want to say and need to say are jumping around like the bubbles in last night’s champagne.  So, in keeping it simple, I’ll just say…Happy New Year!  It’s the long awaited and eagerly anticipated 2017.

I haven’t been here in so long, not for any horrifying or unsettling reasons.  More so for a necessary mental respite from spewing the facts of my life.  As much as it was good for my soul and my growth, it also felt like it became an overwhelming (self inflicted) responsibility.  One I was semi prepared for yet not close to ready to take on.

Aside from the basics of my story, those specific details which have been dormant for a long time, there were a slew of other things – detached from the topic – that were going on simultaneously.  I needed to concentrate on those things without feeling guilty for not being present, with you.

Now that everything else I was dealing with is under control, I feel like I can come back and start teething again on this blog.  For those here that I got to know well, rest assured I’m safe.  It’s only day one of 2017, but I’m looking at it’s entirety in the palm of my hand and I’m bursting with excitement.

Health & Happiness to all of you this year and always.

XOXO

Flashback

RonovanWrites Weekly Haiku
Poetry Prompt Challenge #80

This two word combo brought me right back to the 80’s.

This week’s prompt words are:  Style & Fresh

Back in the 80’s,
Your style was funky fresh,
Or it was straight whack.

This may not be a proper haiku but it was fun and a good laugh for Monday morning.

 

Missing You

Don’t get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.”― Dolly Parton

To some extent, that’s what happened during my unexpected two month hiatus from blogging. Since I am self employed, at the end of the day, everything falls into my lap. Luckily, work has been good. Busy. And that’s why I needed to concentrate moreso on work and a little less on my extracurricular activities.  Plus, there is a part of me that cringes just a little every time I sign in and see “Battered Wife Seeking Better Life”.  Blech.  So depressing.

That being said, I’ve been missing you. My blogging community, writing, and reading your work. I had some free time today and decided to catch up with my haiku family and do some writing. It’s hard to believe I ended on Challenge #71 and on Monday, Challenge #80 will be posted. When I sat down this morning, I wasn’t sure if I’d have the desire to write a haiku – let alone eight of them – but it is just like riding a bike.  I hope you enjoy.

Challenge #79 – Prompts: Crystal & Hope
Meditation helps,
Find hope for some, while others
Use healing crystals.

Challenge #78 – Prompts: Vast & Clear
Telescopic view,
Bringing us the vast heavens,
With great clarity.

Challenge #77 – Prompts: Year & New
Count down ten to one,
As the year begins anew,
We resolve to change.

Challenge #76 – Prompts: Sing & Day
The prescription said,
Sing daily to soothe your pain,
Just cover your ears.

Challenge #75 – Prompts: Charm & Look
Looks may draw you in,
Charm will keep you attentive,
Love will melt your heart.

Challenge #74 – Prompts: Cake & Wolf
The wolf in sheep’s clothes,
Seeking to devour your soul,
And finish with cake.

Challenge #73 – Prompts: Black & White
Those who only see,
Everything in black and white,
Miss out on rainbows.

Challenge #72 – Prompts: Life & Give
Behold the wonder,
Life given from another,
Taken for granted.

When I signed in today, I didn’t realize it’s been exactly two months since my last post.  Thank you, Ronovan, for saving my place.