Here Goes Nothing

To those of you that decide to read this, let me start off by saying I am not literally “seeking”.  I mean…I am for all intents and purposes but not like “Desperately Seeking Susan” nor am I putting out a classified ad…asking anyone of you to provide me with a better life.  Although, maybe that shouldn’t be entirely off the table. 🙂

My purpose in blogging my story is because I have mentally and physically become so exhausted maybe this is the only way left for me to release my demons and get up the courage to move on.  With that being said – Here Goes Nothing…

As of today, I am 42 years old.  I have been married for 24 of those years.  That’s right, I was married at the beautifully young age of 18 years old.  Why?  Wait for it….yes, I was pregnant.  I mean back then…in the olden days of the 1980’s…it’s kinda what people did.  Somehow it was a better deal than being a single mother, labeled a slut, and being whispered about as you passed the older folk sitting on the benches.  Plus my parents weren’t extremely happy about my predicament so it really didn’t leave me much of a choice.  I got pregnant, moved out, and a few months later got married.

Let me back track for a minute.  Prior to getting pregnant, I had known my husband to be since 1985.  (Sorry, I have to do this in timeline fashion…keeps me on track.  For the younger readers, I know it seems like a life time ago but if you’re reading this you’re most likely going through the same situation and as you can see…times haven’t changed.)  As I was saying…I met this guy in 1985.  He was part of the neighborhood crowd that I associated with.  He was new to the neighborhood and I thought he was cute.  He also happened to be a “bad boy” which I didn’t fully understand at the time.  Didn’t even cross my mind to be honest.  Just happened to find out as time went on just how much of a bad boy he actually was.  For someone who thought they knew it all….boy, was I naive.

Back then, I had a decent figure and so I received quite a lot of attention.  When I met this guy he was somewhat shy and didn’t approach me in the same way and I think that’s pretty much what got me.  I thought, he really likes me.  As time went on, I noticed the more I pursued him and showed that I liked him the more he pushed me away and acted like he wasn’t interested.  So I left it alone.  In the meantime, in his world, he was getting into all sorts of trouble.  Being as he was 5 years older than me I knew his crowd but didn’t hang out with them due to the age difference.  Plus I was not allowed to be out past 9 o’clock at night.  Eventually, he got into enough trouble he had to leave the neighborhood.  I don’t think I fully understood what went on, I just knew he was not around anymore and wouldn’t be for the indefinite future.

I continued on with my 15 year old life.  School, friends, work, dating.  I lived in a close knit neighborhood and most all of the kids my age went to school together.  And everyone knew each other.  Even the older crowd knew the younger.  My father grew up in the same neighborhood so even the adults knew who I was and it was same for most of the adults that had lived there for years…they all knew each others kids and had no problem reprimanding you if they saw you were doing something that would get you into trouble.

The following summer (1986), I started hanging out a lot across the street from my building with the same group of kids I had been in school with since elementary.  One of the guys that lived in my friend’s building came over to me and we started talking.  His family knew my family but I didn’t really know him because he was 3 years older and I really hung with the kids my age.  Every time I’d be on the block he’d come over and talk to me.  We became friends.  He was great to talk to and a really good listener.  We ended up talking a lot about the husband to be (let’s call him Guy #1).  As the summer progressed, me and my new friend (we’ll call him Guy #2) started having feelings towards each other.  It was pretty noticeable and he was also pretty shy.  I kind of had to make the first move and drag it out of him that he liked me.  We kissed and a week later (after two months of talking) we were dating.  I will get back to Guy #2 in future blogs…but for now long story short…we dated for a year and a half.  We broke up because Guy #1 came back to the neighborhood.  Major fork in the road decision occurred.

To be continued…

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28 thoughts on “Here Goes Nothing

  1. I am so happy you found me and led me back to you. I can empathize with your personal story almost verbatim. I would garner it is Kismet that leads to Kinship. Keep your head up and your heart open. ~Divine Chaos

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  2. Very deep words! I truly understand how your personal situation came to pass. Thank God you are here right this moment able to share your trauma and let’s call it what it was.

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  3. Have you ever written your whole story? I loved this first part. If not you should. I have written three books, which are not published. Maybe sometime in the future. The first was a fiction that allowed me to write a lot of truth behind a curtain of fictional characters. That was exhilarating to get it out. Then I wrote a 12 step bible guide to helping women who are still living with their abusers. I have some of it on my blog. Then finally I got around to writing my autobiography. It was hard, I mean really hard. But I am glad I did. I hold them secret, away from the eyes of my husband. I know that they helped me. So keep writing. Meghan

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    • The bulk of my story – I guess the “interesting” part at least – is mostly written in this blog. Here Goes Nothing is the very start of it. However, a book is in the works and I’m very excited about that. Not sure how long it will take. Everything is a work in progress.

      On another note, you are truly amazing! To be in the situation you’re in and be able to have written three books?!! Let alone one being a bible guide. I’m in awe. One day you will not have to hide your writing. I wish you peace and pray for your safety.

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  4. Gutz. you have them. stay strong and keep moving forward taking the next right step for you. I write about my story of life with an abuser. Why I stayed and how I left. I have two kids with him. It makes it harder. So does the state you live it. This whole Ray Rice thing might just make it easier. My ex is a narcissist. Involved in the NFL as a sports writer. His career is national and even that makes it harder. He also never denied the abuse. Which is just strange. But, my life is 1,000 better since I left. Take care … I hope you will find strength in my story .. http://www.bruisedwoman.com
    Julie

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    • Thank you. I look forward to reading your story. I can only imagine having an abuser who has a little notoriety to his name – and takes some sort of weird pride in their actions – “he never denied the abuse” makes it that much harder. What makes these guys tick is beyond me. My main concern at the moment is being there for my son while he finishes high school and concentrating on making sure he does not follow in his father’s footsteps. So far, so good. My path and goal are not at all wavering. Of course, while things are quiet it’s easier but I have plans for the future and my abuser is not part of them.

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  5. I like this post great start, I can honestly say I hear you, looking forward to reading more of your post, I find posts like these somewhat encouraging, as it makes me realise I was never alone. Although I know now that many people faced what I faced, when you are the one experiencing this, you can feel alone. it’s only since writing that I feel a sence of release. You write well, hope you keep going. I do remember years ago I saw a counsellor briefly, he said to me write….at the time young and stupid I didn’t understand… But it helps.. Your story will help others. God bless.

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    • Thank you, Beverley, for taking the time to send me this message. In the midst of all the drama, I also felt alone and thought no one could truly understand what I was going through. It’s only been since sharing my story that I realized we’ve all felt the same way. I completely agree with you, writing has been an amazing journey. Everything I never knew I needed at this moment in time. Thank you for reading and for sharing your story as well. 🙂

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  7. Your story is all too familiar. You will be hearing from me cousin. My prayers and lots of respect and love to you for your candor and and ability to let others know that they are not alone. Love ya love ya love ya

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    • I couldn’t even begin to know what provoked me to finally tell my story. One thing is for certain though, it was not by chance. For all we know it could’ve been for this precise moment. ❤

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