Here Goes Nothing

To those of you that decide to read this, let me start off by saying I am not literally “seeking”.  I mean…I am for all intents and purposes but not like “Desperately Seeking Susan” nor am I putting out a classified ad…asking anyone of you to provide me with a better life.  Although, maybe that shouldn’t be entirely off the table. 🙂

My purpose in blogging my story is because I have mentally and physically become so exhausted maybe this is the only way left for me to release my demons and get up the courage to move on.  With that being said – Here Goes Nothing…

As of today, I am 42 years old.  I have been married for 24 of those years.  That’s right, I was married at the beautifully young age of 18 years old.  Why?  Wait for it….yes, I was pregnant.  I mean back then…in the olden days of the 1980’s…it’s kinda what people did.  Somehow it was a better deal than being a single mother, labeled a slut, and being whispered about as you passed the older folk sitting on the benches.  Plus my parents weren’t extremely happy about my predicament so it really didn’t leave me much of a choice.  I got pregnant, moved out, and a few months later got married.

Let me back track for a minute.  Prior to getting pregnant, I had known my husband to be since 1985.  (Sorry, I have to do this in timeline fashion…keeps me on track.  For the younger readers, I know it seems like a life time ago but if you’re reading this you’re most likely going through the same situation and as you can see…times haven’t changed.)  As I was saying…I met this guy in 1985.  He was part of the neighborhood crowd that I associated with.  He was new to the neighborhood and I thought he was cute.  He also happened to be a “bad boy” which I didn’t fully understand at the time.  Didn’t even cross my mind to be honest.  Just happened to find out as time went on just how much of a bad boy he actually was.  For someone who thought they knew it all….boy, was I naive.

Back then, I had a decent figure and so I received quite a lot of attention.  When I met this guy he was somewhat shy and didn’t approach me in the same way and I think that’s pretty much what got me.  I thought, he really likes me.  As time went on, I noticed the more I pursued him and showed that I liked him the more he pushed me away and acted like he wasn’t interested.  So I left it alone.  In the meantime, in his world, he was getting into all sorts of trouble.  Being as he was 5 years older than me I knew his crowd but didn’t hang out with them due to the age difference.  Plus I was not allowed to be out past 9 o’clock at night.  Eventually, he got into enough trouble he had to leave the neighborhood.  I don’t think I fully understood what went on, I just knew he was not around anymore and wouldn’t be for the indefinite future.

I continued on with my 15 year old life.  School, friends, work, dating.  I lived in a close knit neighborhood and most all of the kids my age went to school together.  And everyone knew each other.  Even the older crowd knew the younger.  My father grew up in the same neighborhood so even the adults knew who I was and it was same for most of the adults that had lived there for years…they all knew each others kids and had no problem reprimanding you if they saw you were doing something that would get you into trouble.

The following summer (1986), I started hanging out a lot across the street from my building with the same group of kids I had been in school with since elementary.  One of the guys that lived in my friend’s building came over to me and we started talking.  His family knew my family but I didn’t really know him because he was 3 years older and I really hung with the kids my age.  Every time I’d be on the block he’d come over and talk to me.  We became friends.  He was great to talk to and a really good listener.  We ended up talking a lot about the husband to be (let’s call him Guy #1).  As the summer progressed, me and my new friend (we’ll call him Guy #2) started having feelings towards each other.  It was pretty noticeable and he was also pretty shy.  I kind of had to make the first move and drag it out of him that he liked me.  We kissed and a week later (after two months of talking) we were dating.  I will get back to Guy #2 in future blogs…but for now long story short…we dated for a year and a half.  We broke up because Guy #1 came back to the neighborhood.  Major fork in the road decision occurred.

To be continued…