Threats and Wires and Hangers…Oh My!

So I guess it’s time to get down to the nitty gritty.  I can tip toe around the meat and potatoes of the story but that would be leaving out the entire point of why I am doing this.  I’ve been holding this life of madness in for so long I’m hoping that by putting it out there in the universe – I don’t know – maybe God will finally lead me out of this nightmare.

This has been a 25 year roller coaster ride. I’ve been dizzy and nauseous for most of it.  When I started out I thought I was so great I could take this broken man and fix him.  Help him to see this was not the answer.  That I was not his enemy.  To the outside world he was this former bad boy turned upstanding guy, with a wife and child.  Everyone saw a change.  I saw a change too…from the quiet guy I had a crush on to a controlling maniac that used abusive words, threats, weapons and fists against his own wife.  What a piece of shit.

At the root of most of it was trust.  He always seemed not to trust me.  If I was working he questioned who I was interacting with.  If I was home he wondered if I was talking to people on the phone.  Did I let anyone in the house.  When we got into arguments he’d start over nonsense.  Maybe (to him) I had an attitude when I answered him.  Or I jumbled my words which meant I was lying.  Who was I on the phone with?  Then it turned to why isn’t the house clean?  Why was I late from work?  Always, always something.

It started out with a slap, maybe shaking my body, pushing, cursing….always cursing.  I’m a stupid bitch, dumb whore, fucking slut, etc.  The name calling I could take.  It bothered me but my mind was strong.  I always knew it was him and not me.  I knew I didn’t do anything wrong so for sure it wasn’t me.  Early on in the marriage, sometimes when he would really go at me I’d argue back…that never worked out.  But you know, sometimes I had to say what I had to say…sometimes it was worth the fist.  He hated to hear me speak.  He still does.  And as time went on I knew how to push his buttons.  The less i argued back the more it drove him crazy.  It meant that all of his yelling and screaming was a waste of time.  I wasn’t listening.  I didn’t care.  And I loved that it pissed him off.  Sometimes I’d look at him all interested like he was telling me an amazing story.  I’d shake my head and widen my eyes and even through in a… “Really? Wow.”  Eventually he’d shut up.

After he saw that arguing didn’t phase me and a slap in the face or a punch in my head didn’t deter me from doing whatever caused him to snap….he’d start looking around the apartment and would grab items to hit me with.  Sometimes it was a boot or a hanger.  After a while it was extension cords.  He’d grab it and whack my leg or back with it.  Then as it would start to bruise and welt up almost immediately … he’d gently say “see what you made me do…go run that under cold water” and I’d refuse.  I don’t want lessen the way this bruise is going to look tomorrow so you feel better.  I’ll take the punishment but so will you when you go to hold me in the middle of the night and I flinch and scream out in pain.  Believe it or not…that fucked with his head.  Sometimes I’d pretend to be sleeping and he’d rub my head and say sorry in a very quiet voice before rolling over and going to sleep comfortably….while I lay awake in massive pain.

One day, he hit me with an extension cord and the bruise ran from my shoulder to my wrist.  And because he had the wire folded over the bruise was a double line so it took up the entire front and side of my arm.  It bruised immediately.  My entire arm was black and blue.  When he went to work that day, I took my daughter and went back to my mother’s house.  My daughter was about a year and a half at that point.  I went home and told my mother….not in it’s entirety…but that he hit me.  I didn’t show her my arm.  I thought she’d understand because….YES…she too was abused, by my father.  However, not to excuse the act, but in no way did she suffer at the hand of my father the way I was getting beat by my husband.  My father was more of a cheater and when he’d get caught or she accused him then he might lash out with a slap.  It was never as intense as the shit I landed in.

Of course when my husband came home from work and couldn’t find me he went straight to my mother’s house.  I stayed in the back room with my daughter.  If I recall properly, I believe I sat in the closet so if she spoke too loud he wouldn’t hear her.  He pleaded with my mother to let him see his daughter and how he was sorry for hurting me and such.  I remember my mother saying something to the effect…”she’s not ready to see you right now, give her a day or two, I’ll speak to her.  The baby is fine.”   My brain is like…she’s sending me back to him.  Why would she do that?  Is she saying it’s okay that he hit me?  Is she saying if I went through it so can you?  Or so SHOULD you?  I don’t know.  I ended up going home the same day.

Here comes the apology.  He’s so sorry.  He’ll never do it again.  But then with the flip of a switch something triggers the monster and now he starts to threaten me.  “If you ever leave and take my daughter again I will quit my job and hunt you down.  I will not stop until I find you.  When I find you, I’m not going to kill you…that would be too easy.  Instead of killing you I am going to slice up your entire face so that when you look in the mirror you won’t be able to recognize yourself.  And every time you look in the mirror you will remember me and what I did to you.”  Imagine all of that in such a mellow tone of voice as if we were sitting having a normal conversation at the dinner table.

What people who are not the victims of abuse don’t understand is the power of the words.  Why would I stay?  Yes, I was afraid but it wasn’t only that.  I knew him.  I knew what he was capable of.  I knew what he’d be willing to do and far he would go.  In essence…I believed him.  With 100% faith in my heart and mind, I believed he would do what he said.

That day, the cold hard slap of reality opened my eyes.  What the hell did I get myself into?

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13 thoughts on “Threats and Wires and Hangers…Oh My!

  1. your ex (I hope) sounds a lot like mine. and what you got yourself into is exactly what most of us in that situation got ourselves into. it’s ironic how the patterns these men have are so similar. most people don’t realize the systematic breakdown an abuser uses to gain their control. know that you are not alone. and much stronger than you think. thanks for sharing your story.

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    • Thank you for reading. A childhood friend of mine that I hadn’t seen in 20 years recently came back into my life and is the only person I have confided 100% to, told me about narcissistic personality disorder. It seems to be the common thread with abusers. My husband (yes, still) also had a very traumatic childhood which seems to be a common thread as well. Thank you for your comment.

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  2. You abuser is so much like mine its scary . I too remember those days when I knew I was gonna get a black eye but I just had to say what I was going to say. Remember when you are ready, there is a better life for you out there. There is a life without abuse for you. Please please be safe in your journey.

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    • Thank you. Your comment brought tears to my eyes…almost immediately. Sometimes we need to say what we need to say no matter the repercussions. These days I prefer biding my time rather than proving a point. Unless it’s of extreme importance. His reflexes have slowed over the years so now he tries to cut with his tongue…that too is slow. I appreciate your words and look forward to the future when I will recount as a survivor. My safety is key and my time is near.

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      • I will stand with you throughout. There is no judgement here. I understand that it is not an easy time you are going through and I understand that it is not always easy to up and leave. Be as safe as you can be. I look forward to the time when you will be a survivor as well. It will happen. Just remember. No matter what he says, You are strong. You are important. You are beautiful. You matter. Be safe. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  3. Jesus Christ!!! Couldn’t bring myself to hit the “like” button, and hope you’ll understand. I have never understood how a man (if we could call him that, which we both know we can’t) could do such to a woman that he is supposed to love and protect. I’ve never been a violent person, but child and spousal abuse push me over the edge. For god’s sake (assuming there is even a god who cares), stay safe!!!

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    • ❤ Thank you. That was a rough one to post. It was a really volatile time. As I continue to blog more of my story will unfold but in present day he is less physical. I'm not sure if you've met Karma yet…but yeah…she got him with the rheumatoid arthritis. It's quite amusing hearing him scream out in pain in the middle of the night. It's kind of like a lullaby. But his mental warfare makes up for the lack of punches. I have learned to tune him out but sometimes the sharp tongue cuts through. One day at a time…I'm hopeful.

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      • yea, i’m not sure i believe in an all-powerful, all-caring god anymore as i believe life stands on its own without our expectation of eternal reward or punishment; however, i am always elated to see Karma come into play – even when it pays me back. i’m never quite sure where the dividing line falls between waiting for Karma and taking matters into our own hands, but i am very happy to hear Karma is visiting some torment on your tormentor’s head. now, if he would only have the deceny to quietly go away, drop dead, etc.

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  4. The power of words … so true. The real power comes in (like you said) the fact they absolutely mean what they are saying. I believe he meant that too. I believe my ex meant everything he said. That is why I still have fear for what will happen when he gets out of jail. The pure level of commitment they have to the crazy is amazing. And it is hard to believe if you have not seen it first hand.

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    • Absolutely right. To the public my husband seems like such a nice and loving family man. No one would believe my stories today because I am more vocal towards him now, so he almost seems like the victim. And there are days when I think that when I leave he’ll just give up and surrender to the truth that he did this and that I really don’t love him. But there are certain comments I make that even though overall he thinks I’m joking..I say something that hits a nerve that I could be setting him up by telling the truth and he gets a look on his face that I remember from way back when…and I wonder if he’d really leave me be.

      Not an easy life at all… made harder when others don’t believe the desperation of what keeps a person from fleeing.

      Thank you for reading. ~Hugs to you.~

      Liked by 1 person

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