A Glimmer of Hope

So here I am.  I go about my daily routine hoping each day will go smoothly with no issue.  Some days do and some…not so much.  A few years have passed so I’m used to it all.  My daughter is almost two and it is what it is.  My head is just counting down to getting out.

One day, as I’m walking home from my in-laws, Just as I finish crossing the street and get the carriage on to the sidewalk, I hear someone call my name.  As I turned and focused on who it was (sigh) my breath was taken away.  It was him.  My Ex.  In previous posts (Here Goes Nothing, Fork In the Road and Choice and Consequence) he was referred to as Guy #2 but from here on out will be referred to as…My Love.  Just writing about him brings a smile to my face.  Okay, where was I…oh yes, so I bump into My Love.  I haven’t seen him in the last three years.  I don’t think I purposely avoided bumping into him although I never went on his block anymore and my parents and in-laws lived across the street so I’m sure I visited when I knew he’d be working so as not to bump into him.  After all, if I bumped into him I’d probably lose it – or so I thought.  Apparently, not the case.  When I turned and saw it was him, I couldn’t stop smiling.  He came over to say hello and to see the baby.  I know he was hurting.  After all, the man he feared would break us up did – and I had his baby.  So he said how cute she was and how I had gotten everything I wanted (out of my house at 18, wife, mother, etc.) and I remember thinking to myself…not everything.  After all, I didn’t get him.  I hadn’t stopped thinking of him over the past three years.  Ever.  I didn’t say much, after all I felt so guilty standing there, horribly sad at the fucked up choice I made.  He asked how I was and I said…I’m okay.  I didn’t elude to the horror my life had become.  I didn’t know how he felt.  If he still thought about me.  So I wasn’t about to put myself out there and make an idiot of myself.  We said our goodbyes and went our separate ways.  My God…I love this man.

We knew when we first started dating there was something special…bigger than us.  Soul mates.  It was as if we had always been together.  From the beginning, it was deep, I can’t recall –when we fell in love– we just did.  We just were.  That was that.  No questions, no discussions.  It was always and forever, the present and the future, for life.  I never once questioned that.  It was my reality.  It was his reality.  I never doubted that it wouldn’t be and I had no reason to ever doubt it.  I never once imagined not being with him for the rest of my life.  Even though I was a teenager (to some that is to young to feel this way) it was as if we were already together, internally, eternally, intertwined souls.  The chemistry was amazing.  The sex was outstanding.  The laughter, the tears, the silence…always mutual.  We were literally one.  The only cloud that lingered…more so for him than me…was this question of what happens if?  I could not ever fathom anything coming between us.  When the topic came up I soothed the heart and calmed the mind.  Nothing like that was ever going to happen.

Then.  It happened.

All of the sneaking around, secrets, plans, hopes, dreams, everything…gone.  With one decision.  And in my defense, never at one moment an easy decision.  Never a happy decision.  Never a clear cut no questions asked decision.  Just a stupid, naive, self gratifying, insensitive, shockingly mind blowing – wrong decision.  Everything I had, everything I wanted, everything I needed, everything I looked forward to…gone.  Just…gone.  It tore at my soul.  The day my parents told us (My Love and I) we couldn’t date – changed me.  My heart was different.  Broken.  I pushed them out and made more room for him.  The day I made the worst decision of my life – changed me.  My soul was lost.  And so now…my heart and my soul were shattered and unfixable.  I would go on for years not knowing if it was only me.

Until now.

After seeing him, I was determined to right my wrong.  I will find my way back…even if it takes 16 more years…I will make it back to him.

I’m not sure how long it was until I finally remembered his job number but it finally came to me and I started to call.  We started to catch up.  How broken he was without me.  He had been fixed up with a girl right after I left to get his mind off of me and she turned out to be crazy.  Literally.  She had issues.  So they broke up.  He then started dating someone who had just had a baby but was not with the father.  He told me how he never stopped thinking about me and how hurt he was.  And still is.  We spoke often.  Eventually, I asked him to meet me before work.  I had worked about 45 minutes from where I lived so I was hoping he’d give me a ride if I asked.

So this one day, he met me.  I got in the car and we spoke in person.  It was so weird.  I mean, we could both feel the tension.  I know he wanted to be mad at me but now in person seeing me in an enclosed space – just the two of us – he couldn’t.  I was very cautious of my words.  I didn’t want to bring up my husband or the baby.  I just wanted it to be mellow and relaxed.  I asked him if he would drive me to work.  He did.  I knew he would.  He wouldn’t if his feelings were completely gone.  So now, I knew were I stood.

I started asking him to meet me once a week to give me a lift to work.  Of course, he did.  On one of these days it started snowing.  It started off light when we left but barely half way you could hardly see in front of you.  I felt bad knowing once he dropped me off he’d have to drive back, as it would be worse by then.  I told him he could drop me off by a bus stop but he refused.  At one point, I asked him to pull over.  I said let’s wait a couple of minutes maybe it will slow down.  As he pulled over, I also said…and I want to speak to you.  We parked and I started to say…I still love you…as I swooped in and gently kissed him.  Then I whispered I miss you so much.  As he grabbed me and kissed me back…he said, I miss you too.  I almost forgot how good his lips, tongue and mouth felt.  In those few minutes…I was home.  Where I should be.

When the love fest was over, he asked, why did you do that?  I said I needed to tell you and I didn’t want to say it over the phone.  He said you know I love you.  Always have.  Always will.  But now everything is complicated.  I sadly agreed but in my heart I knew now that there was…a glimmer of hope.

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