Mentally Exhausted

Since I started this blogging journey, I’ve come across quite a few blogs that discuss Domestic Violence as well as all different types of abuse whether it be physical, verbal, sexual, etc.  Some of them are written by abuse survivors.  Those of you who have lived through your ordeal and made it out.  Refusing to ever be in that type of situation again.  There are also blogs written by those of us who are still a victim of circumstance.  Still “living the life”.  Trying to find our voice and strength to get up, move on and move out.  Others are written by those who are our allies, the non-abused.  They will fight the good fight by our side condemning all and any type of abuse.  An objective standpoint if you will.  Each of you are equally wonderful.  Why?  It’s because you are talking about it.  This is a topic that is private for each person who has lived it and for those who are sharing their stories, I find you amazing.

Please excuse the expletives – sometimes they’re necessary.

What I have come to find that seems to affect me most is when I read that the abused are being categorized.  Especially from the non-abused.  I have come across articles that talk about how the world lays the burden on the victim asking, why didn’t she leave?  They talk about the different personality traits and flaws that we possess.  If I have been beat and stayed around and let it continue to happen then I have no self worth.  I am too frightened to use the voice I have to speak up in fear of the heavy hand that will strike me.  Or simply, this one is great, I must be so head over heels in love with my abuser that I think the way he treats me is out of the love he has for me.  Don’t forget the girls with daddy issues. Maybe your father wasn’t around or he neglected you and you are looking for a man to fill that void. There are more stories circulating out there…about us.  The abused.

The truth of the matter is…there ARE women out there that are weak minded.  Who have never had a father figure in their life and believe that this man who has given her the time of day finds her worthy.  She may believe that this is the way men treat women – especially if she has never had a man treat her any better. Some of us may be so in love with our man that we think if he says it’s our fault – it must be. If he promises that he will change and that was the last time then why not believe him? He loves us. What about those of us that feel we are such a piece of garbage that we deserve what we get. You must exist. They’ve written articles about you. You’re disgusting, meek and cower in a corner because your abuser is justified in all he says and does to you.

I guess the reason why these descriptive explanations in the insight as to why we stay whether it be a day, week, month or years after the first strike don’t really apply to me. It’s not what’s wrong with ME. It’s what’s wrong with HIM. He’s a fucking asshole. Point blank. He thinks everything he says is right. Mostly because he is a loser and has feelings of inferiority in the real world. So, at home…he needs to be superior. Guess what…he’s a loser. For one reason and one reason only. He hits girls. I can and HAVE argued almost every single day since we’ve been together. That shit doesn’t bother me. Curse me out call me names…I will say worse back to you. You want to yell like a psychotic lunatic…uh, pretty sure I can scream and yell too. And he HATES it. Because I refuse to bow.

Why I have stayed as long as I have. Straight up fear. It’s the most crippling emotion I have ever faced. Why does he scare me? Because I believe him. That may be considered me giving him power over me. Whatever. I don’t agree. It’s a belief backed by action. Some people are all talk and no action. My abuser is a knife man. He carries one everyday of his life. (In his youth) He has fought with them, and used them to connect with the other persons body. Has he murdered anyone? No. Just a punk that fights with a weapon. Which brings me back to the fear aspect.

When someone you know is a vicious animal and has been known to inflict pain on a person with a knife and they tell you that if you leave they will slice your face up until you are unable to recognize yourself…do you believe them? Hmmm. Let’s see. Should I leave because he threatened me that type of bodily harm? (Obviously, I should run.) If I leave…will he actually do as promised? How eager am I to find that out? If he threatens to kill me if I leave…I weigh it out. Should I leave? (Probably.) Then I wonder, do I want to die at 18 or at 30 or 40? Do I want my kids to live with the fact that their father murdered their mother? I don’t know. Maybe?

The point is. It was MY decision. I’m not saying it was the right one. And I’m not saying anyone else should do the same. Do I deserve the abuse because I stayed? You know what? I’m on the fence about that one. I mean of course I don’t deserve to be treated like garbage…no one does. But if you tell your child not to play with fire because they will get burned but they still play with fire and end up getting burned – 9 times out of 10 your first response would be…that’s what you get. In theory, it’s kind of the same deal. That does not mean that I don’t have bottled up rage that boils inside of me that can pour out like lava and engulf him with his own vengeance. I just chose not to go to jail.

Forgive me for going into a tangent about this crap. I guess it just bothers me that there are people that would think I’m less of a person than I am because I am still here. I have every intention on leaving. I laid out my plans many years ago. There is a short amount of time left for me to do. It’s what was right for me. Would I do it the same if I had to go through all of this again. Fuck no. If anyone says yes then – I don’t know – I honestly don’t know what to say to that. Just don’t come up with excuses about what is wrong with the women who put up with this bullshit. We don’t wake up one day and say…ooh, let’s see if I can find someone who will abuse me. However, the men are walking around in constant flux and treat most of who they come in contact with in the same demeanor. Let’s give them categories. The men that hit have mommy issues, never been hugged, feel inferior to women and must retaliate with physical power, and for good measure (pun intended) they must have a “size” issue. How’s that? Does that work?

My head hurts just trying to get all of this out. I hope it makes sense. I’m mentally exhausted. The end.

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29 thoughts on “Mentally Exhausted

  1. Anyone who hasn’t been through it really has no idea. The reasons people stay or don’t stay are personal. Everyone has their own reasons for what they do. I hate how women are put into categories for anything, let alone abuse. I understand people want to help and the one’s with no real experience in it give “clinical views”, but maybe they should give no view at all. Maybe rather than study numbers and statistics they should go volunteer at a shelter. Then instead of giving a number or category they can think about all the real names of the women and children they saw.
    You see it’s very easy to sit back and give an opinion and advice, but it’s much different when the advice actually comes from experience in this case.
    I don’t care if you stay or go. Or, what your reasons are for your decision. It is your decision and yours alone to make. You have a mind and are capable of using it. Please know that you have support from me no matter what you decide to do. No one has to live your life but you.
    Stay safe.
    P.S. I love the “size issue”, and more than likely it’s true. We could also add impotence… you know, just for the insult to injury factor 😀

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  2. Hey, you make an excellent point here that needed to be made. This tendency to explain the human condtion by categorizing and applying theories is absolute bullshit!! And these “handy explanations” are always arrived at by those of us who have no experience or concept of what you are experiencing. If these smug and pious assholes drive me crazy, i can only imagine what they do for you. Look, life itself, let alone an abused life, is so fucking complex and knotted that there is no explanation, and the only truth that applies is the one you live and make sense of. I’m glad you blew the whistle on these professed “experts” on abuse, most of whom have no idea what your hell is like. But don’t let their shit inform or distract you. You have a plan, and i trust that you and you alone can put it into action when the time is right. But for god’s sake girl (as though god exists or cares), whatever you do, don’t “accidentally” run over this motherfucker as you drive off!! That would be such a shame, and would leave all the experts wringing their guilty hand as they sought to categorize you. “How could she leave skid marks down the back of the man she loved and needed so desperately that she would not leave?” It’s all up to you girl, but some of us care enough not to say anything other than we care. Bob

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  3. So well said! Brava my dear. I can relate very much to staying for fear. I did the same. I knew it was a bad relationship, I knew it was abuse, but I was scared for me and the kids and my family to leave. Even being out now, I am scared to even imagine what can happen when he get out of prison. I am glad to have found you on here and hope to be part of your support system. We all have our reasons, and you do not need to explain them to anyone.

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    • Thank you, Abby. I am glad to have you in my corner. Hopefully your abuser is having a “hard” time in prison. With his new friends making him part of their club – on a daily basis.

      I wrote this because I had to get it off my chest. I am loving reading other women’s stories, it has really helped me understand what I am capable of. But I have come across a couple of “theorists” that I had laid into in their comments section. One responded with – “then why did you stay” and the other hasn’t commented at all. And the one who has not responded is a women. So I was interested to see what she had to say about my comments. Big picture is…I don’t want to be THAT kind of person who spews on someone’s blog because I don’t agree. That was not my intention in being here. So I figured I may as well get it off my chest on my own blog. I feel better now.

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      • I am so glad that you do feel better. I have found that I have only really been able to be helped (in therapy situations) by those who have been there! Its nice the read and talk to people, but unless you have been there it is hard to relate
        I too pray that he has a cellie named bubba that takes advantage of him every night 😉

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  4. People tend to not understand this until they are in it themselves. It’s the whole “what we are going to do and what we actually do reality.” The outside looking in people have small minds and think they would be so strong. The thing is when your in that place you have a fear you have never felt before. You literally are scared to death you realize at some points this might be your death. After a fear like that your life changes.

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  5. I wrote this post a while ago addressing the reasons I stayed for so long. http://cerridwyndarkstrom.wordpress.com/2013/06/10/why-did-you-stay/ I try not to categorize. I try to encourage. Sometimes I have to step away because it is so painful to read what I’ve already experienced and know that the only person with any power to change their situation is the person writing about it, and knowing that fear is what paralyses them from doing so. I also do not co-sign bullshit, and call foul when I see excuses and justifications? Fear for your life is neither of those things. Stay safe. it takes courage to stay, just as it takes courage to leave. That’s something most don’t realize. I just hope your courage one day leads you to safety and freedom as it has done for me.

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  6. Proud of you for getting through this post and saying what you need to say. Keep going. Keep TALKING (writing…whatever!). And yes, I know you deserve more and one day as you rid yourself of the crap that he’s dished out that’s inside of you, maybe you’ll see you are more than the fear and find there is nothing more you want to do than to leave.
    That will be my prayer for you daily.

    Blessings
    Shannon

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  7. I read your post and just had to comment. You don’t deserve anything you are going through, period. I am an abuse survivor but I will be the first to admit that my level of fear was no where near what you must be dealing with. I was threatened, but deep inside I knew I was with a coward who would never follow through with such violence. When I read your posts…God I just wanted to hug you. You are hands down one of the strongest women I know. His threats are horrifying and you are still able to keep your head up for the sake of your children. You are an amazing woman. I recently started a blog to help women escape abuse by working on themselves first (which is how I found your blog…you liked one of my posts). Although I believe it’s still possible for all of us to take our lives back, with a situation like yours you can’t just stand up to him and leave – he has no conscience or remorse and this is a dangerous combination. I completely, 100% agree with you that the only reason to stay with someone like this has nothing to do with self-worth, self-esteem, etc. It truly does come down to fear – it would for me as well. I am going to follow your posts because I want to see you make it out. You are too tough, too inspiring, too amazing not to make it out. There has to be a way and continuing to blog will connect you with other amazing, kick-a** women that overcome monsters like these. Hang in there. Starting tonight, you will be in my nightly prayers – I promise. I’m rooting for you. 🙂

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    • I’m not sure how to respond. Thank you doesn’t seem like nearly enough. Your comments truly touched my heart. It’s almost as if you know me. I appreciate your kind words. A great start to my day. Thank you for reading my story and taking the time to reach out to me. It really means a lot. xoxo

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  8. You have a keen insight on your situation that many people would never obtain even if they lived the same life a million times. Respect to you, your struggles and your life. Here’s that the future is brighter than the past. I have a feeling that for you it will be. Abraços.

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    • It’s been almost one year since I have signed in to my blog and as I scroll down the comments that I didn’t ever imagine would be sitting here left unanswered all I can say is… Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! xo

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