Mentally Exhausted

Since I started this blogging journey, I’ve come across quite a few blogs that discuss Domestic Violence as well as all different types of abuse whether it be physical, verbal, sexual, etc.  Some of them are written by abuse survivors.  Those of you who have lived through your ordeal and made it out.  Refusing to ever be in that type of situation again.  There are also blogs written by those of us who are still a victim of circumstance.  Still “living the life”.  Trying to find our voice and strength to get up, move on and move out.  Others are written by those who are our allies, the non-abused.  They will fight the good fight by our side condemning all and any type of abuse.  An objective standpoint if you will.  Each of you are equally wonderful.  Why?  It’s because you are talking about it.  This is a topic that is private for each person who has lived it and for those who are sharing their stories, I find you amazing.

Please excuse the expletives – sometimes they’re necessary.

What I have come to find that seems to affect me most is when I read that the abused are being categorized.  Especially from the non-abused.  I have come across articles that talk about how the world lays the burden on the victim asking, why didn’t she leave?  They talk about the different personality traits and flaws that we possess.  If I have been beat and stayed around and let it continue to happen then I have no self worth.  I am too frightened to use the voice I have to speak up in fear of the heavy hand that will strike me.  Or simply, this one is great, I must be so head over heels in love with my abuser that I think the way he treats me is out of the love he has for me.  Don’t forget the girls with daddy issues. Maybe your father wasn’t around or he neglected you and you are looking for a man to fill that void. There are more stories circulating out there…about us.  The abused.

The truth of the matter is…there ARE women out there that are weak minded.  Who have never had a father figure in their life and believe that this man who has given her the time of day finds her worthy.  She may believe that this is the way men treat women – especially if she has never had a man treat her any better. Some of us may be so in love with our man that we think if he says it’s our fault – it must be. If he promises that he will change and that was the last time then why not believe him? He loves us. What about those of us that feel we are such a piece of garbage that we deserve what we get. You must exist. They’ve written articles about you. You’re disgusting, meek and cower in a corner because your abuser is justified in all he says and does to you.

I guess the reason why these descriptive explanations in the insight as to why we stay whether it be a day, week, month or years after the first strike don’t really apply to me. It’s not what’s wrong with ME. It’s what’s wrong with HIM. He’s a fucking asshole. Point blank. He thinks everything he says is right. Mostly because he is a loser and has feelings of inferiority in the real world. So, at home…he needs to be superior. Guess what…he’s a loser. For one reason and one reason only. He hits girls. I can and HAVE argued almost every single day since we’ve been together. That shit doesn’t bother me. Curse me out call me names…I will say worse back to you. You want to yell like a psychotic lunatic…uh, pretty sure I can scream and yell too. And he HATES it. Because I refuse to bow.

Why I have stayed as long as I have. Straight up fear. It’s the most crippling emotion I have ever faced. Why does he scare me? Because I believe him. That may be considered me giving him power over me. Whatever. I don’t agree. It’s a belief backed by action. Some people are all talk and no action. My abuser is a knife man. He carries one everyday of his life. (In his youth) He has fought with them, and used them to connect with the other persons body. Has he murdered anyone? No. Just a punk that fights with a weapon. Which brings me back to the fear aspect.

When someone you know is a vicious animal and has been known to inflict pain on a person with a knife and they tell you that if you leave they will slice your face up until you are unable to recognize yourself…do you believe them? Hmmm. Let’s see. Should I leave because he threatened me that type of bodily harm? (Obviously, I should run.) If I leave…will he actually do as promised? How eager am I to find that out? If he threatens to kill me if I leave…I weigh it out. Should I leave? (Probably.) Then I wonder, do I want to die at 18 or at 30 or 40? Do I want my kids to live with the fact that their father murdered their mother? I don’t know. Maybe?

The point is. It was MY decision. I’m not saying it was the right one. And I’m not saying anyone else should do the same. Do I deserve the abuse because I stayed? You know what? I’m on the fence about that one. I mean of course I don’t deserve to be treated like garbage…no one does. But if you tell your child not to play with fire because they will get burned but they still play with fire and end up getting burned – 9 times out of 10 your first response would be…that’s what you get. In theory, it’s kind of the same deal. That does not mean that I don’t have bottled up rage that boils inside of me that can pour out like lava and engulf him with his own vengeance. I just chose not to go to jail.

Forgive me for going into a tangent about this crap. I guess it just bothers me that there are people that would think I’m less of a person than I am because I am still here. I have every intention on leaving. I laid out my plans many years ago. There is a short amount of time left for me to do. It’s what was right for me. Would I do it the same if I had to go through all of this again. Fuck no. If anyone says yes then – I don’t know – I honestly don’t know what to say to that. Just don’t come up with excuses about what is wrong with the women who put up with this bullshit. We don’t wake up one day and say…ooh, let’s see if I can find someone who will abuse me. However, the men are walking around in constant flux and treat most of who they come in contact with in the same demeanor. Let’s give them categories. The men that hit have mommy issues, never been hugged, feel inferior to women and must retaliate with physical power, and for good measure (pun intended) they must have a “size” issue. How’s that? Does that work?

My head hurts just trying to get all of this out. I hope it makes sense. I’m mentally exhausted. The end.