Breaking The Cycle

Not only was I a victim of domestic violence, this unexpected tragic life of pain and suffering, but now on top of that I was about to bring a male child into this world. There was this overwhelming burden of keeping my life a secret from friends and family and now on top of everything, I somehow needed to figure out how to break this cycle…while still living in it. Prior to my son being born, my husband basically laid down the law letting me know HE didn’t want to continue this lifestyle in front of my son. In which case it was MY responsibility to make sure that didn’t happen. Point being…if I don’t provoke him, he won’t have to be an a-hole.

What I love about these warped handouts of kindness is they somehow always paint me as the perpetrator. If I don’t sneeze too loud and make him miss what they just said on the news…he won’t have to go nuts and scream like a lunatic. C’mon, that is totally understandable. Aside from living inside of this tornado that would twist and turn and destroy at the blink of an eye, sometimes it was quite astonishing to witness how this man’s mind worked. He truly believed he was acting the way he did because everyone around him did something to cause these outbursts. And by him “nicely” (psychotically calm) explaining to me how not to speak to him the way that I do (with an attitude) it meant he was doing his part in the marriage by COMMUNICATING with me. Letting me know how he feels.

This is always amusing. At this point in time…about 10 years into the marriage…his physically abusive ways started to dissipate but now the strange psychological games started. He truly, truly believed he was doing his part. Explaining how when he would tell me things and I snapped back at him HE felt “attacked”. Can you imagine? He felt attacked. Amazing. And he TRULY believed what he was saying was reality. Forget about if I rolled my eyes when he tried to speak to me. Big mistake. During pretty much every argument he needed my undivided attention and eye contact at all times. However, the threat of violence did not end. I should not mistake his slowed physical abuse for weakness. He was just giving me a break since we were both getting older and now a third child, etc. Who knows what he may have really been thinking. Maybe that one day soon I may snap and he would be found mangled in the dishwasher? I should’ve researched postpartum depression when I had the chance. Oh well.

So now here we are, my son is born and I can only be perfectly behaved (in his eyes) for so long. Who knows how long it took before things went back to normal (my sense of time is mush at the point). However, it was explained that he tried. He tried to tell me how to act, how to speak, how to do things the right way (his way) and that if I did everything properly (his way) then he wouldn’t have to act the way he did (like an a-hole). Of course, I don’t listen. So we’ll just resume our (abusive) way of life. After all, I must like it since I always want him to act that way. In the big picture I can say “luckily” the kids were never dragged into arguments. The physical stuff never really happened in front of them. My kids are not stupid but you have to give thanks for the little things. My biggest concern was not bringing another abusive man into society.

As the years went on and my son was old enough to know his father was an a-hole, after arguments I would go to him in his room and talk to him. Apologize that his father was the loser that he was. That I did not know this when I met him. And that something is not right with him in his head. I would explain that this is not how you speak to women – in general – and most especially not to your wife, mother, sister, girlfriend, etc. So that when he gets older he knows right from wrong. I would throw in there that if he ever treated a girl the same way his father did that I could not be on his side. That may have been slightly dramatic for me to tell him but in the younger years kids really take to that fear of possibly disappointing their parents. So far, so good. As the years have been passing, my son is a mellow, kindhearted boy. He plays well with others and is respectful to children who are different from him (special needs, etc). I am proud to say he is well on his way to breaking this chain.

Since blogging, I have read stories and people have commented to me on how terrible it is to stay with or for the sake of the children. Believe me, I am well aware of that. I know how much worse my kids could have turned out. Thankfully, I can say thus far, my kids are amazingly strong and resilient. My daughters are also confident and strong minded individuals who are not afraid to use their voice and say how they feel. No matter what has happened over the years my children have flourished. Smart and social people with bright futures. They do not “love” their father in the traditional sense and surprisingly none of them have ever asked me to leave. Strangely, something here was meant to happen for a reason. Lessons for both myself and my husband, who knows. My guess is that these kids were meant to come into this world and be prepped for whatever may come their way. At the very least, I can say that has been done.

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26 thoughts on “Breaking The Cycle

  1. hey, i’m all for breaking the cycle. let’s start with this piece of shit – breaking his arms, his ribs, don’t forget the collarbones, pelvis, oh yea, his jaw. then we’ll really get busy breaking his legs in about ten places each, though the kneecaps can be handled with a .357 magnum, finally his ankles. his neck you ask? no, no – we wouldn’t want him to slip into a coma and miss the fun. then, and only then can he go the aforementioned rehab facility for a little therapy and r&r. don’t i sound like the caring, compassionate couselor sort?

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  2. Reading through this brings back so many memories of the abuse I survived and was delivered from. The abuser is so manipulative and it does feel like you’re walking on pins and needles to avoid the bomb(him) from going off! He’s the storm and has now put the storm in you…releasing his rage, dumping, firing away and putting his whole psychotic trash in your bin. My sista I thank God for your testimony thus far…how you have reached out through the pain and are helping so many others…this is ministry for broken and healing hearts. I praise God for the wonderful people your children turned out to be and I will continue to lift you and all that concerns you in prayer. Sending hugs through the internet to you 🙂

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  3. from what I have been reading, it seems like control is the common thread in domestic abuse. from that perspective, it makes sense that he would try to take that kind of control over your words and actions. in my situation, I’m learning that ‘being a good boy’ has probably been responsible for any reductions in blatant abusive behavior. control is still abuse, though, and I want to finally be free!

    I totally understand staying for the kids. I always thought I was staying for the kids, but it seems like that isn’t working out here. my daughter has been developing toward a Narc personality. I have to do what I can now toward damage control.

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    • Absolutely, control is key. No matter how subtle. Their need to change the way you normally speak or act is overwhelming. It’s maddening.

      I would be a hypocrite if I told you to take your kids and leave. You have to do what is right for you and your family. Especially if you see your daughter starting to have narcissistic tendencies. Truth be told, whether the kids witness your wife’s behavior or not there is always a chance one of them can acquire her personality traits. I’ve seen a lot of nature vs. nurture cases where some things are just hereditary.

      I apologize in advance but I feel the need to ask. Your blog tells the stories of how your wife is your abuser, are you male or female? It does not matter in the least and my response above stands first and foremost no matter your gender. I’m just interested because I’ve never come in contact with a situation where the male is being abused. Believe me, I know it happens. I know it’s just as taboo if not more so to speak of it for lack of support being as the opposite is more the norm. I was just curious. Forgive me for asking.

      Thank you for reading and reaching out. Stay safe!

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      • Yes, it’s true. It may be genetic. I want to provide her with some contrast, though. It’s possible I could do that while staying, but it doesn’t seem to be working out that way. The Narc abuse tends to have me pretty frazzled. If I could get shared custody, that would be half the time not spent around my wife’s incessant Narc behavior. It might not make a difference in terms of neurology, but it might make a difference just knowing there’s someone who loves her, with whom she does not need to where ‘the mask.’ I’m making major strides in that area now that I realize what’s going on, but it would be even better to escape the poisonous environment altogether. At this point, I’m not sure how long I can stay out of the trance I’ve been living in. If I stay, I’m guessing whatever has woken in me will most likely go to sleep again.

        I am male. I’d guess that economic power and gender conditioning play a role in the abuse scenario: men may be more likely to simply leave a bad situation. Those who don’t may tend to endure to the end quietly, so that they are never heard from. Also, from what I’ve read, the Narcissist is attracted to the positive traits of his victim. Perhaps in our culture, whether by nature or nurture, females more often possess those traits. I know you did not ask for my opinion, but I just can’t resist a juicy opp for speculation.

        Thank you for your comment! Safe is good. 🙂

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  4. Wow, I will hope your spouse gets a lobotomy virus, loses his focus and drive, starts painting flowers and bumblebees and stops torturing and controlling you. Or that someday you feel able to leave and stretch your wings, and you can paint flowers and bumblebees. I’d guess he knows just how far he can go before he senses you will leave and then he backs off. He needs you more than you need him.

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  5. That makes me sick that he acted like it was your fault and your responsibility to make sure he didn’t “have” to abuse you anymore. That sounds all too familiar… And we tend to come to those insane conclusions on our own simply because of the mind-warping experience of abuse. I am glad your children seem to have come out alright.

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