Survival Mode

Everyday I read a little bit here and a little bit there from all of the blogs I have been following. I search out new ones to see what else is out there and to see what is on everyone’s mind. Today, I read a post that I really connected to (That Wasn’t Me…This Is Me). It was about a woman who was explaining how we assimilate into this (abusive) lifestyle. It is not this massive oppressive nature that comes at us all at once. Instead, it innocently seeps into our everyday consciousness until it’s all that we know. All of a sudden, I realized how incredibly true that was. Even though the little things seemed so big as they were happening, by the next “BIG” incident that last one could easily be considered almost nothing. I learned the dos and don’ts of what makes an abusive man angry and quickly and without conscious knowledge I knew just exactly what would rock the boat and so my main goal from day to day was NOT to rock it. I was in…survival mode.

What? How incredibly absurd does that even sound? I’m married. To a man that says he loves me. We have a child, a nice apartment in a decent neighborhood, we’re both working good enough jobs…yet, I am tiptoeing around my own life. It’s so crazy to explain if you’ve never been in the situation. It’s like, you’re going about your business and you hear the keys in the door and the pit of your stomach drops out from under you and within a split second you eyeball the apartment and your brain is going a thousand miles a minute…Is the house clean enough? Is everything in order? Is he going to complaint about having leftovers? Did I remember to do that thing he asked?…and the list goes on and on. Then he asks a simple question, in a normal mood. It’s clear he is not agitated or has any intention on starting a fight but you are so frazzled at the sheer possibility that when you answer the question you sound like you’re lying. Thus, the war begins. And it’s clearly your fault because you answered like an idiot. Why did you have to sound like you were double talking? I knew I was telling the truth yet even to me it sounded like I was lying. And after the three hour argument on how he doesn’t believe you he lets you know how this was all your fault because he came home in a good mood.

As the years go by you just learn how to respond. What facial expressions to use and when to just answer yes or no without a story behind it. People wonder how you can live so many years this way…truth is, when you are so busy living from day to day just trying to make it through the day without a hitch, time friggin flies. I imagine its how normal, happy go-lucky people live when everything is going great. They’re kind of in cruise control. Very relaxed and loving life, get-togethers, parties, vacations, etc. all without anyone else staring at the man screaming at them or one of their kids. For me (or us if I may be so bold), it’s like…okay, here’s my plan and in order to get from start to finish without blowing myself into a thousand pieces I need to hop around the land mines, day in and day out. Fun stuff.

So long story short…I’m a fucking survivalist! And a pretty amazing one at that.

No one goes into a relationship anticipating this nonsense. How can you even prepare to deal with something so intense? Somehow we each deal with it in our own way. No one’s way is better or worse than the next. It’s just right for us at that particular moment, until one day – it’s no longer right. That day is coming towards me like an asteroid falling from the sky. I can see it. I’m not sure how fast it’s going to get here but I know if I stay the course I will see it through and dodge out of the way…just as it lands on my husband.

Then I will live happily ever after. 🙂