Underneath It All…I’m Still A Girl

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always seemed to be a guy’s girl.  I am at my most comfortable talking to and hanging out with the fellas.  I’m not sure why.  It could be because I have a pretty impressive foul mouth or maybe because I am just as vulgar as most of my male friends.  I mean, I am far from the shy and reserved type.  And I love it. Not to mention that I pretty much tell it like it is. Women are not so into that. Don’t get me wrong. I have a handful of female friends that I am super tight with probably because we have similar personalities.  What’s my point?  Basically, aside from the nonsense that was going on in my house, my attitude and personality of who I’d always been never changed.  I put up with a lot of BS but on the outside, I was still me.  Although, no matter how tough of an exterior I put up, underneath it all…I was still a girl…but only one person brought that out in me.

The day after the reunion, I got in touch with my Ex.  It was so nice to hear his voice.  Like I said, it was the longest amount of time we had ever gone without talking.  I didn’t know what to expect.  What may have changed in the last eight years that I would not be prepared for?  Luckily, he was away visiting family.  On vacation.  He did not move out of state.  That’s a good start.  He had hoped for years to be able to move closer to his family who had moved out of state a long time ago.  He was dating someone.  That’s reasonable.  What I understood was…he’s not married and they will be breaking up shortly after he returns home from vacation (which he did).  Okay, pause.  He. Is. Not. Married.  Hellooo!  He’s not married.  Didn’t have any kids of his own.  One of his ex-girlfriends had a daughter when they had started dating and eventually he took her on as his daughter – still to this day.  Another thing was that he still was working for the same job he had when we were together.  My head said…possible retirement by the time I’m ready to get out of my own hell.  Lastly, as we spoke and his shaking voice asked….why? (“Why” would rear it’s ugly head every now and again. Just one simple word and I always understood what he meant…why did I leave?) I knew right then and there, as I had always known, he still loved me.  That’s all I needed.

The most important thing I needed to hear next was when he was getting back from vacation and when I’d be able to see him.  It would still be another week or two but while he was away we started speaking almost daily.  Was this it?  Was this the start of getting my life back?  The life I deserved…the life I so recklessly threw away.  I certainly hoped so.  We started talking almost daily.  Once my husband left for work I called him and stayed on the phone with him until I had to wake my kids up for school and go about my day.  We’d talk several times during the day and on Saturdays we’d just lay in our respective beds, while on the phone with each other and just talk, watch television, fall back to sleep.  It’s times like these that have been sewn into my life over the years with this man that almost made the flip side of my life tolerable.  It was times like these that helped move along the time I set forth for myself to safely get out of the marriage and move on with my life.

It was not long before I went over for a visit.  Since I worked from home, I didn’t have to worry about calling in sick.  I could go “shopping” or to the “doctor” or “help out at school” and steal time to be with him.  Even though we knew these moments may not last, we made the most of them.  We were able to speak about how we felt – he would mostly talk about what our lives would have been like if we were still together and I spoke about how our lives would be in the future.  This new reunion cycle (as I like to call them) lasted for about six months.  With so much time having passed from the last time we had seen each other (when I was pregnant with my son), there was no way I was about to let that happen again.  This time felt like the old days. When we could make plans for our future. But how could I forget….I was still married. All I had to do now was figure out how to get out of that. After all, I was living two lives. One of misery that I was bound to by a piece of paper and an insurmountable fear and the other that I was bound to by my heart and soul and a ridiculously giddy amount of love and joy.  Even with all that I have been through…somehow I am a hopeful romantic.  Bottom line….yep, I’m still a girl.  Quick heartbeat, butterflies fluttering in the belly, doe eyed, eyelash batting mush. What a mess.