This existential journey I decided to take has been pretty amazing. Who knew several weeks ago I would have been more excited about getting on a blog to read stories, poems, random thoughts written by strangers rather than sign into Facebook even once the entire day to read anything posted by people I’ve known forever. Even more so, that anything I would be reading would have such an impact on me or that I would become so interested in the people writing these tidbits. What’s more mind blowing is that anyone became interested in not only reading my story but also relating it to theirs. Some of you who have reached out have become regulars and I always look forward to hearing from you and appreciate the offering of your kind words.
As I have been surfing WordPress in this uplifting topic of Domestic Violence (there goes my sarcastic streak), there have been many stories written about that one thing. The missing ingredient I can’t quite grasp on to. That would be…forgiveness. Of course, from a religious standpoint we are taught to forgive. It is the right thing to do. It’s good for our soul, and so forth and so on. What we’re not told, is that forgiving someone is hard as a mother—. It’s the flip side of sin. We know sinning is wrong. (I’d like to believe) Most of us do not wake up and say to ourselves, “how can I sin today”? We wake up, go about our daily routine and…sin happens. No matter what type of righteous path we hope to be on the real story is we screw up and hopefully wake up tomorrow and try again.
My biggest problem is I’m not sure I want to forgive. Of course, I can forgive the petty stuff. For instance, if my friend said or did something that bothered me I may let it go and do the old forgive and forget thing. Mostly because I value our friendship more than some trivial misstep or maybe because I know it was not intentionally done to harm me. Which leads me right to the question…how can I forgive my husband for years of abuse? Obviously there is no forgetting. I can’t really be expected to wake up one morning and say…”remember when….oh wait, I can’t remember”. But for some reason bigger than us I should say…”hey, you know what…I totally forgive you for punching me in the head all those times. No biggie”. It’s not like if I forgive then he’s going to be a normal person. Why do I have to cave in and forgive a person who has no intention on changing? It’s not like I want any sort of relationship with the man. Marriage, friendship or anything else. Even if we came to a mutual agreement and he said. “Hey … you go ahead and move on. Have a great life.” It’s not like I’d be inviting him over for Sunday Night Football. When the ties are severed…that’s it.
So what am I missing? Don’t get me wrong, I completely understand that it somehow relates to my own personal healing. I get it. Really I do. It’s just going from understanding it to applying it is where I am stuck. My feet are literally in the mud and I won’t budge. If this is the only key to me moving on what am I supposed to do? There is no doubt that when I walk out of this door – if he backs down and does not follow me, stalk me, threaten me, or jeopardize my children’s life or my life then maybe after a few years pass and I feel safely away from him, maybe then, I can begin to forgive him. Even as much as I hate him after all these years, I do not think he wakes up or comes home from work looking to start an argument. I know it boils down to him having issues beyond his control. I just don’t care is all.
The other aspect of this that I have been reading about is…not in forgiving him but in forgiving myself. That really struck me. I’ve been seeing that pop up A LOT over the past couple of days. I almost felt like I was being sent a sign. Helping me to see that it’s not about forgiving him and that I need to forgive me. Now that really started me thinking. Yes, I absolutely need to forgive myself for some things but how do I forgive myself for his crap? Even though it means nothing because it’s only words shouldn’t he be apologizing? Shouldn’t anyone be apologizing? I mean it was my husband, my father, my grandfather, even my mother, who have all wronged me in some way. But that is so ridiculous. It sounds like an episode of trash-tv. I am not one to blame everyone for my circumstance. It’s no one else’s fault. It’s mine. I made these choices. Maybe that means I should apologize to myself? Okay, let’s try…
I am sorry. I’m sorry that when I was growing up I stole candy, bathing suits and money out of my father’s draw. I knew it was wrong but at the time the candy tasted good, the bathing suits looked great and the money came in handy. Today, I am sorry for my actions.
I am sorry. I’m sorry that I was not always nice to the next kid. Sometimes I went along with the crowd. Not always…but I did. I knew it was not nice to call you names or pull your hair but at the time I thought I was so tough and cool. What goes around does come around. Today, I am sorry for my actions.
I am sorry. I’m sorry that I was a lying little teenager. Lying got me into trouble and lying got me out of trouble. As I got older, I knew this was wrong and armed myself with the truth. I decided to tell the truth no matter the consequences or if it hurt someone’s feelings. I am still walking a fine line between the two. I do recognize that sometimes both have been the wrong choice at times. Today, I am sorry for my actions.
I am sorry. I’m sorry that I left the greatest love of my life for a man who treated me like garbage. I’m sorry I did not have the courage to stand up to him and walk away before it was too late. I’m sorry that when I left…I came back. I’m sorry that someone who claims to love you has beaten you, called you names and treated you like you are beneath him for so long. Today, I am sorry for my actions.
A brief list of some of the things that I have done wrong in my life. That I am most definitely regretful of. But even if I were to say to myself…I accept your apology. In other words…I forgive me. Do I really? When it comes down to it, I really have worked through the first three things on that list. I am good to go as far as that stuff is concerned. Basically this entire theory is moot. I have no idea if I should forgive my husband or myself. I’m not sure either of our actions deserve forgiveness. If that’s the only thing holding up the progression of this situation, I’m afraid I may be screwed. Now what?