The Flip Side

It’s been two months since I started this blog-o-rific journey.  Deciding to tell my story of marital abuse to everyone who stops by.  Yes, it has most definitely been more therapeutic than I anticipated.  I love writing.  I don’t even care anymore that all of my dirty laundry is out there for all to see…well, most of it anyway.  Whenever I have a chance, I come by to read what every one else is posting.  There are times I have neglected work and spent hours being impressed by stories and poetry.  Actually, I’ve blown off work more often then not in the last two months.  Luckily, I’m the boss.  But still.  This is why I haven’t written anything all week.  Been playing catch-up.  Except for right now – while I should be working I couldn’t help but come by and say something.

So, aside from just getting back on track with work, I also had my cousin’s wedding to attend this past weekend.  Usually, I am depressed when I go to these events because I never had a big wedding, didn’t have a white gown or a party.  Just me, my 5 month old fetus and my abuser. Oh, and our parents to bear witness on this less than holy event.  In a make shift chapel in a court room.  A cold room, on cold snowy day, for what would become a cold heartless marriage.  I digress.  As per my usual preparation for attending any wedding, I was anxious the entire week before and basically couldn’t wait for it to be over.  The best part about when I attend these things is that my husband does not come with me.  He could care less about anything to do with my family so at least when I do go, it’s peaceful.

Two nights before the ceremony was the rehearsal dinner.  I was part of that because I was doing a reading at the alter for my cousin, which is another reason I was riddled with anxiety.  After the rehearsal was dinner at a local pub that has a separate party room in the back.  This way the guests are not part of the “bar scene” up front.  Everyone had a great time.  Seeing family members that I haven’t seen in years was nicer than expected.  By the time I was ready to leave, I was more on the way to being excited then anxious.  It was towards the end of the night and some of the guests started to leave.  I was ready to go too.  As I made my way to the front of the house, heading towards the exit, there is a familiar face sitting at the bar…not facing the bar…so I would’ve walked past likely not taking notice of his presence, but instead he was (the only one) facing the pathway to the exit.  Within seconds our eyes locked and we both smiled.  It was my Ex.

We talk on a regular basis, even speaking with him earlier in the day, but he had no idea where the dinner was going to be.  This was a total fluke.  An awesome one at that.  Of course, I stop by and say hello.  Ask how long he had been there.  Shocked by the entire situation of him being there and sitting in the direction he was.  I said hello to the friend he was with who I also know.  And as I am saying my goodbyes, he leans over and whispers into my ear…”I need you to stop by tomorrow”.  And yes, all that sappy love stuff happened, the ridiculous grin, my heart was jumping, the butterflies were flapping…geez, what a girl.  I can’t help it though…I love him.  Always have, always will.  So, I laughed because I was almost sure he had no idea what he had just said.  Who knows how much he had to drink – even though it couldn’t have been much since he was only there for an hour.  So I indulged.  I told him it was probable I’d be able to do that and that I’d call in the morning.

This right here is the flip side of my life of hell.  Over the years, we have had times that we speak regularly, almost daily, now the texting, and when I’m able, going over for a visit.  Of course, there are only so many excuses I can use as to why I am going to be out the entire day being as I work from home.  So it’s not often but when it can be done…it gets done.  This request for a visit was fresh off of the heels of another visit just two weeks prior.  He’s letting his guard down.  Even though we’ve had a somewhat decent communication over the years the truth still was I left him for a man that not only abused me but that I am still with.  That stings.  It always will.  There is no healing that.  At least not while we’re in the present.  So he’s always guarded just a little.  If he let’s his wall down reality sneaks in and hits him in the gut all over again.  So I always tread lightly.  Even though I live with the reality on a daily basis it still hurts when I am having a great day with him and then I have to leave to come to this .. crap.

Our last few visits have been different though…because we recently spent our first night together.  Can you even imagine?  He has had my heart since 1986 and we are STILL having firsts.  I was able to swing an overnight trip out of state.  To “visit my family” which this moron (my husband) has no use for so I don’t get questioned.  Although, I usually take one of the kids to tag along – except for this time.  We went to visit a mutual friend a few states away.  So, it was our first road trip, our first over night and the first time we could be in public without fear.  It was so nice.  It was more than relaxing.  We were at peace.  Our friend knows the entire situation.  That’s the one I mentioned in earlier posts that is my one and only that knows everything.  So he’s more than a friend.  He’s family.  Everything about those two days was just amazing and I think we’ve both been riding a high since.  My friend keeps saying how something has happened since our visit.  The universe is shifting.  Things are falling into place.

A couple of weeks later, I started blogging and ever since I am starting to feel it too.  I know my time is coming to a close here and it is starting to feel like all of this is possible.  Most especially since after my last visit this past weekend he said to me…I’m falling in love with you all over again.  That was it.  Pick me up off the floor please.  He never puts his heart out there like that.  It’s just an unspoken word.  I know how he feels and he knows how I feel.  We don’t really discuss it because it brings all of the other sad reality into the mix.  But…HELLO!!!  I nearly died from a heart attack right then and there.  I’ve always believed in my future with him once I am out of this hell but with that … it was just so real.  The universe gave me that one – a freebie to hang on to – to keep the faith.

The next day at the wedding, I was so happy.  My cousin and her husband are so in love.  A beautiful couple.  It was a beautiful ceremony and reception.  I could see myself in the future at our wedding.  I enjoyed every moment that night and look forward to when I am up there dancing with my man.  For now I will hold on while the universe guides me out of this nonsense and back into my true reality.  I. Can’t. Wait.