Battered Wife Q & A

Here’s something a little different.  Usually, in deciding on what topic I want to write about next, I think of a situation with my husband or my Ex that stands out in my memory and how it made me feel.  I take myself back to that time to bring up how I felt when it was happening and pretty much once I start typing it just flows.  Sometimes I may even cut short what I’m saying so it’s not so long of a story that the person reading skims through or gives up.  But this time I wanted to do something else.  Instead of me just going off about one certain incident and how it affected me, I’m wondering what you guys are thinking.

This is for all of those who have been keeping up with me for the past two months and even if you’ve only read one or a few of my posts, it doesn’t matter.  Please ask me something, anything about what I’ve already written about or something you are wondering about in general.  Like I said, I’ve hit on a lot of subjects that have been in the front of my mind for all of these years but maybe one of your questions will pull something out that I have been holding in that I’m not even aware of.  I am interested to see where this may lead so no question is out of line.  I don’t insult easy so no worries about hurting my feelings.

Maybe this will work out the way I’m anticipating or maybe it will be a flop.  I have to admit, this is a little scary.  I’m a semi-controlling personality so the fact that I have no idea what people will ask has got me a little….yikes!  Thanks in advance…wish me luck! 🙂

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23 thoughts on “Battered Wife Q & A

  1. I would like to see a post about how your strength and couraged in leaving and rebuilding your life have helped changed your outlook on life…. Hmm that’s not really a question.

    How about this. I wrote a post several months ago to the me who was still trapped in the abuse but about to leave… what to expect and warnings and tips. Like support, encouragement, and advice about the struggles I was about to face and assurance that I would be not only okay, but would come to a point where I’d have my Kerwyn, my love back again. If you had the opportunity, what would you as you exist now offer in support and encouragement to the version of you who was getting ready to leave the abuser behind? It helped me put a lot of misgivings about myself (that were obviously planted in my head by him) to rest and to be a little kinder to myself.

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    • Marie!!! This is a good one! I read this a couple of times and hope my answer is what we’re both looking for.

      I’d have to say that in the grand scheme my fear of leaving is that he follows me and doesn’t accept that we are just not meant to spend forever together. However, I am going to answer this as if he decides he is too old and tired to get his lazy ass off the couch and attempt that.

      To me: As you walk out the door, know with all your heart that you are doing the right thing. Your kids are grown and are going to be just fine. You have sacrificed so many years of your life and your happiness to provide a good home for them even if it meant you suffered along the way. They know this and they support and encourage your decision. Everyone will be nervous at first because no one really knows how he will take this but once every one sees that this is exactly the right decision it will be okay. As far as being nervous in being on your own and supporting yourself…are you kidding? You ran an entire household and a business. On your own. The only help he provided was in paying for the roof over your head whether it be rent or mortgage. So now that you do not have to shop for a family of five or pay everyone’s bills, etc., you will come to see that you’ll be able to support yourself without worry. You’ve waited a long time to be out on your own. That day is finally here. You are brave and smart and can handle anything that comes your way. Enjoy this part of your life…you’ve earned it.

      Wow…that was more emotional than I thought it would be. Thank you for that.

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  2. What would you say to yourself, back when you were still with him, at that very first moment of “did that just happen?” That very first boundary-breaking manipulation that made your gut twitch just a little.

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    • Well Sofia, unfortunately I am still with him. Although, this chapter will soon end so I can answer your question with clarity as if I was already gone. I am on every level except for the physical anyway. I feel like there are so many little moments that make up that reality of “did that just happen” that it’s almost hard to pin it to one. This is a good one…short and sweet but I’m a little stumped.

      Going by the very first incident of hitting, I would probably tell myself that no matter what excuse he comes up with you know better then to allow anyone to put there hands on you. No boyfriend is worth having if they are not going to treat you with respect. No one else has done this to you so there is no reason you have to accept this behavior…run, now!

      In looking at the different ways of manipulation that crept up on me, since I was a teenager at the time, probably the biggest one had to be slowly taking me away from my friends. I thought it was so cool that I had a boyfriend that wanted to spend all his time with me so what if it meant sacrificing going to the movies or hanging out at my friends house. Looking back, I’d tell myself not to close myself off to the people who’ve known me my whole life. In doing so I may be closing of a friendship with someone who may have taken notice in what I was going through and could have been that voice of reason to help me see what was really going on and to possibly get me away from him sooner.

      Thanks for that question, Sofia! Ugh…thinking back on the whole thing makes my gut twitch – a lot!

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  3. Very bold, very bold indeed!! So my question would be, shall we just kill him in his sleep, which is easier and less messy?? Or, shall we torture by flaying his hide head-to-toe while his is awake, and leaving the rest for the buzzards, which is more deserving? and yes, i could go on and on, you know me.

    Seriously though: are you certain the ex you often mention is the answer to your prayers, or are you open to someone completely unknown, some love that takes you by surprise? Or more importantly, do you have to have a romantic relationship post-escape (or post-execution)?? Are you secure enough in yourself that you do not have to have any man at all to get along and be happy?

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    • Oh, Bob…it’s like you’re the little voice in my head that knows my darkest dreams, the thoughts that are supposed to stay inside of your head otherwise the straight jacket police will come looking for you – except you say it all loud and proud. Kismet, anyone? Lol

      The nitty gritty….great questions! Bold indeed.

      I am so thoroughly secure in who I am that there is no question in my mind that I do not “need” to be with anyone in order to be at peace with myself. I’ve always been confident enough to know what I wanted and how to get it. The only flaw in that was this psychotic’s intimidation tactics with physical violence. Outside of this relationship, I am who I’ve always been. I am not meek, dependent or fearful in anyway. At least not that I’m aware of. So, if need be was that I had to be alone for the rest of my life I would be fine with that…at least I’d know it would finally be quiet and I’d always have the remote!

      This one is a little more intricate. As far as my Ex is concerned, he is not my reason for leaving so being a couple after the fact does not hinge on anything that is going on here. If we decided that we are not meant to be a couple then so be it. However, you don’t know us. It’s been written. (Forgive me in advance for the sappy stuff.) For years, since the beginning, it was clear that we were something more than just a couple in love. It was much more…dare I say – soul mates. We are so interconnected that it’s beyond our control. Lately, I’ve come across literature on Twin Flames and I can see that this is likely our path. In every description I’ve read it mirrors our co-existence so it is very clear to me that we will be in each others lives for a very long tome to come. The funny part is, I’ve never heard of “Twin Flames” before I started to blog. Since I started and began to feel a shift in my way of thinking and believing in my departure is when this term started to pop up. Almost as if things were becoming clearer to me for a reason.

      That being said…if all of this was crap and my entire vision of happily ever after ended up being wrong, I don’t think I’d shut down meeting new people. It would just be different.

      Don’t think I missed that post-execution comment either!! Lol

      Good stuff! Thanks for making me think.

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      • wow!! honored by your thorough response. and i always new the ex was not your motivation for leaving and the current asshole provides way more than enough. well, you know how to contact me when the day of his impending doom nears, and i am ready to assist in any gruesome way possible! p.s what is Kismet? never heard that. Is that what they are calling new and improved cyanide, which they tell me is completely untraceable??

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      • I guess one of my pet peeves is when you ask a question that doesn’t get answered so I try to be as thorough as possible most times.

        Kismet is like fate, luck, destiny, etc. Meant it in that your thoughts have been my hopes and dreams for so many years…we must have been destined to find each other in cyber space.

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      • oh come on girl, you must know i was joking, and not stalking you. the last thing you need is another fucked-up male taurus in your life.

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      • HAHA!!! You…you…Taurus!! Ugh!! Actually, I was laughing to myself and where my mind goes in reference to our conversation the other day and was holding back from saying – Uranus or the milky way.But there…I said it now. And you’d be shit outta luck – no matter what my future brings there will never be a male Taurus at my side again. Sorry. That’s the way the ole’ zodiac sign bounces! 🙂

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      • hey girl, i don’t want me, why would i expect anyone else would?! good thing you’ll never know what you’d be missing. and all this is said in fun. you know i only want the best for you.

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  4. I guess my question has to do with the last post of your that I read, which had to do with a budding relationship you have going with another man. As a survivor myself of domestic violence, I wonder if you really think it’s a good idea to go from one relationship straight into another? For me personally, my head was so screwed up after the years of abuse that it took me about 6 years to get to where I felt sane enough to begin another relationship. Don’t you think you should take some time to be alone, to fix yourself, and to give yourself the time you deserve to fully heal mentally?

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    • Hi Tara, thanks for your question.

      The other man I speak of is actually my Ex. We were together for a year and a half before I left to go with my husband. I left for no good reason other than…curiosity. We’ve had many years on and off during my marriage. Our connection never really went away. In fact, at times we are more connected then ever. He knows my husband is an a-hole but I don’t discuss the details because it brings him back to the pain of me leaving. And he’s never been able to fully heal and neither have I. He knows I asked for a divorce several years ago and he was adamant that he didn’t want to be the reason to break up a family. I had to clarify to him that he was never the reason and that it was because my husband had done so much damage over the years. Even though (for lack of a better term) my husband stole me away from my Ex, my Ex is not the type of man that would do the same in return. No matter how badly he wants me to be with him. My biggest fear in the very beginning when my husband started to get violent when we were dating was that my Ex would see and try to stop him. My husband likes to fight with a knife and so who knows what would’ve happened if he tried to jump in to protect me. So in essence, I felt as though I was protecting him more than myself because I love him that much. I would die for him without a second thought. I would’ve then and I’d still to this day.

      In getting back to your question though, if it was a new man…no way would I go from one relationship to the other. And even still with my Ex, I may not tell him precisely when I leave because if he happens to fall on my husband’s radar once I leave I want his response to be honest and genuine because my husband will be able to tell if he is lying. Who knows how long I’ll be out of here before we decide to make us official again. Could be days, weeks or months. I’m not worried about that part of it. His peacefulness will help me heal. To see a little more of a response on my Ex check out the third paragraph in the response above this one.

      Thank you so much for your concern and asking a really important question. I appreciate it.

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  5. Your blog makes for a good read. As someone who left a bad relationship that almost killed me…. I never used a blog to get attention from it. I also never called my blog “battered” anything…even though I was literally battered. Can you point me to the post where you talk about being battered? Good luck with the other man. I, myself, am happy without a man in my life and just living alone. The last 10 months have been the most peaceful I have had in years with no more yelling, hitting, being choked, kicked in the head, dragged by my hair on the floor. Forgive me…but I am just upset you use the word battered when you seem far from it. My ABUSER never let me speak about anything online and monitored everything I did.

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    • I appreciate your honesty. I have been with my husband for 25 years the bulk of the most horrific parts of the abuse were probably within the first 15 years. As he started getting older, I imagine he became tired of beating me. He was never oppressive in a way where I wasn’t allowed out of the house but the verbal abuse that lead up to me actually going out was at times so unbearable that I cancelled my plans. For the most part I am very strong willed but his threats of violence to my family became so horrific that it kept me put. I sacrificed my safety for the safety of my family. I was so young and feared that if I left and he did follow through then those attacks would be as if I did them myself. My suggestion is that you start from the beginning. It’s not too far in that I speak of the terrors that kept me here. (http://wp.me/p3UZPT-2)

      Also, let me make it perfectly clear to you and to anyone else reading this comment / reply, my husband NEEDED me and STILL needs me. He cannot afford to keep me a stay at home wife and mother and therefore needs my income to run this marriage. Always has. Although I do not cower in the corner like the STEREOTYPE of an abused women doesn’t mean that I haven’t been beat, whipped, kicked, punched, had a knife held to my throat or a gun to my head. In fact, the lock box he keeps his gun in sits in the kitchen next to my refrigerator as I type this. I can only imagine his reasoning for keeping it there. Right next to my back door.

      While I understand and appreciate your views on this blog, let me just state that I have NEVER used this forum for attention. That thought never even crossed me mind. For women (or men) who use this platform for that reasoning may need a little more help then their abusers. That is actually a pretty offensive statement. This was a way for my to get this off of my chest with anonymity. If I wrote in a journal and kept it hidden somewhere and he found it that would become a bigger problem if it was ever discovered. My husband happens to be technologically handicapped and that is why I am able to write online without him being aware of it. Plus, because I work from home (since working in the real world became so exhausting with constant calls, visits and accusations of sleeping with every male employee) I have to work on the computer. He has no idea what I am sitting here doing.

      What I have learned in this short time of blogging – by reading stories of others – is that ALL of our abuse is similar as well as different. Where you and I are similar is that our ABUSER has hit us, choked us, kicked us, dragged us by our hair (to use your examples) but where you and I differ is that I don’t let that stop me from living my life in the midst of it. I know what I can get away with. I know what pushes his buttons and how far I can go before shit gets real. Where he is street smart…so too am I but I am also book smart which gives me the upper hand. My reasons for staying are that only I do not have to drag my kids into hiding. My kids know way more than any child should but they also know how to handle life. It may not have been the best decision to stay but it was the choice I made. When my time comes to leave you can best believe my ass will be out the door. What he chooses to do in the form of violence will be on his head after that…and not on my hands.

      I’m sorry your abuser monitored everything you did. Luckily, mine only beat me, threatened me and harassed me to no end. And the cameras he has set up only surround the outside of my house…not the inside.

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    • I never viewed this blog as a way for the author to get attention but as an awareness…affirmation to others that we are not alone. I think the word ‘battered’ and ‘rape’ are offensive to people because they are both crimes where we still continue blame the victims. Shame on us!! Shame on society!!!
      I say it BRAVO to this blogger for having the courage to speak up!!!
      Stay safe and NEVER lose your voice!!!
      Write yourself a happy ending!!
      ~Veronica

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