Yet again, I should be sitting down to catch up on work that has been taking a backseat to my thoughts over the past several weeks but instead here I am – slacking off, again. It’s like my brain is on overdrive thinking about all I have taken in over the past two months and all I have let out. Now, it’s about what to do with that which has been let out.
Have you ever seen the movie Poltergeist? At one point, Craig T. Nelson’s character started off acting romantic with his wife who didn’t notice anything different but his actions quickly became insatiable and she finds herself fighting him off only to see him turn around and throw up the evil spirit that had taken over his body.
Well, I’m sort of feeling somewhat similar. With finally talking about my abuse I have let out all of the evil that has held me down for so long. However, I still feel like something is holding on. As if the evil spirit has been let out but is holding on to my foot still trying to drag me down with it…as I hold on for dear life to something stronger than it. I just can’t see what it is that I’m holding on to that is keeping me afloat. My sanity? My determination? My own physical strength? I’m not sure. I feel like I am in a bizarre state of limbo, almost as if I am standing at another [fork in the road].
This whole experience of telling my story has been inexplicable. My story and your stories have carried me to a place of openness in where I don’t care who knows. I want to say it loud and proud. I want people to see the man I have been living with for who he really is. To them, yes he may be the loudest neighbor on the block, but he is an overall good guy. To them, he will always help a neighbor out. He is a strict and loving father. He is a hard working man whose main goal is to provide for his family. So what if he’s a little loud and argues with his wife once too often. I’m sure they’ve all argued with their spouses. So what if he curses like a maniac as soon as he walks in the door from work because something didn’t get done (e.g. watering plants). I’m sure he must’ve had a hard day at work and was hoping the one thing he asked to get done was actually done. So what if he threatens to punch his wife in the head or even kill her. I’m sure he doesn’t mean it, after all she’s still there so it must just be him venting with overly violent verbiage. If she can deal with it – so can the neighbors.
What amazes me is in the last 25 years we have lived in three different locations. In every place there has been abuse. Not once, ever, did anyone call the police. Of course, I always feared what would happen if they did because he would quietly tell me that if the cops show up to the door he will shoot me first and then put the gun down open the door and kneel on the ground with his hands on his head. What the fuck is that? Sounds like something he had thought through. Always sounded logical enough to me that I would not want the cops at my door. I think it just kept me from screaming or crying loud enough for anyone to hear. It’s just shocking -because there have been some doozies- that no one once, not ever, called. Then again, who am I to talk, I never called the cops on him either.
Anyway, it’s hard for me to relate the way I am currently feeling. That’s why I am trying to be descriptive by example. Another would be…the butterfly emerging from it’s cocoon only to find that it’s lower half is unable to break free. I’m sure there is something metaphoric between the two instances that came to my head…the evil spirit and the butterfly. Your mind always has a way of trying to bring your subconscious to your conscious self. To make you understand in a way that is tangible to you. So here I am, trying to figure out why I feel stagnant.
Since I’m aware that I have some time before I am out and now have the informative stepping stones of getting my act together and setting up and planning everything I need in order to make my exit swift and safe with the least amount of damage, that maybe–just maybe, there is more to it. I’m left wondering if there is more to this. More that I have to accomplish before shaking off this part of my life for good. Whether it be physical or spiritual or something else. There is something, I just can’t put my finger on it.
Every once in a while, I get these feelings. Sometimes an overwhelming feeling of sadness or just very lethargic and it turns out to be something happening to someone who is very close to me. This time though, it’s very real that the person is me. I’m sorry if all of this sounds a bit disconcerting. For those who have come to know me here it may be out of the ordinary for me not to sound so exact and to the point of what I’m trying to get across. This is part of why I have been unable to focus on work. Mostly because I have been purely unable to focus – on anything. I’m thinking and rethinking and planning and wondering and it’s got me all perplexed. For those of you who have been able to leave…were you feeling this way? Is this part of the process or am I overwhelmed by all I have revealed and all that I have been reading of others’ situations of abuse and escape?
Maybe all of this boils down to straight up fear that I won’t be able to pull this off or maybe the unsettling feeling is that I can and will and he doesn’t take it well. How long will I have to hide? Will I put my kids in danger? When will my life be normal and peaceful? Geez. I have so much to work on. I can see that unloading my burden of abuse was just the tip of the iceberg.