Figuring It All Out

Yet again, I should be sitting down to catch up on work that has been taking a backseat to my thoughts over the past several weeks but instead here I am – slacking off, again.  It’s like my brain is on overdrive thinking about all I have taken in over the past two months and all I have let out.  Now, it’s about what to do with that which has been let out.

Have you ever seen the movie Poltergeist? At one point, Craig T. Nelson’s character started off acting romantic with his wife who didn’t notice anything different but his actions quickly became insatiable and she finds herself fighting him off only to see him turn around and throw up the evil spirit that had taken over his body.

Well, I’m sort of feeling somewhat similar.  With finally talking about my abuse I have let out all of the evil that has held me down for so long.  However, I still feel like something is holding on.  As if the evil spirit has been let out but is holding on to my foot still trying to drag me down with it…as I hold on for dear life to something stronger than it.  I just can’t see what it is that I’m holding on to that is keeping me afloat.  My sanity?  My determination?  My own physical strength?  I’m not sure.  I feel like I am in a bizarre state of limbo, almost as if I am standing at another [fork in the road].

This whole experience of telling my story has been inexplicable.  My story and your stories have carried me to a place of openness in where I don’t care who knows.  I want to say it loud and proud.  I want people to see the man I have been living with for who he really is.  To them, yes he may be the loudest neighbor on the block, but he is an overall good guy. To them, he will always help a neighbor out. He is a strict and loving father.  He is a hard working man whose main goal is to provide for his family.  So what if he’s a little loud and argues with his wife once too often.  I’m sure they’ve all argued with their spouses.  So what if he curses like a maniac as soon as he walks in the door from work because something didn’t get done (e.g. watering plants). I’m sure he must’ve had a hard day at work and was hoping the one thing he asked to get done was actually done.  So what if he threatens to punch his wife in the head or even kill her.  I’m sure he doesn’t mean it, after all she’s still there so it must just be him venting with overly violent verbiage.  If she can deal with it – so can the neighbors.

What amazes me is in the last 25 years we have lived in three different locations.  In every place there has been abuse.  Not once, ever, did anyone call the police.  Of course, I always feared what would happen if they did because he would quietly tell me that if the cops show up to the door he will shoot me first and then put the gun down open the door and kneel on the ground with his hands on his head.  What the fuck is that?  Sounds like something he had thought through.  Always sounded logical enough to me that I would not want the cops at my door.  I think it just kept me from screaming or crying loud enough for anyone to hear.  It’s just shocking -because there have been some doozies- that no one once, not ever, called.  Then again, who am I to talk, I never called the cops on him either.

Anyway, it’s hard for me to relate the way I am currently feeling.  That’s why I am trying to be descriptive by example.  Another would be…the butterfly emerging from it’s cocoon only to find that it’s lower half is unable to break free.  I’m sure there is something metaphoric between the two instances that came to my head…the evil spirit and the butterfly.  Your mind always has a way of trying to bring your subconscious to your conscious self.  To make you understand in a way that is tangible to you.  So here I am, trying to figure out why I feel stagnant.

Since I’m aware that I have some time before I am out and now have the informative stepping stones of getting my act together and setting up and planning everything I need in order to make my exit swift and safe with the least amount of damage, that maybe–just maybe, there is more to it.  I’m left wondering if there is more to this.  More that I have to accomplish before shaking off this part of my life for good.  Whether it be physical or spiritual or something else.  There is something, I just can’t put my finger on it.

Every once in a while, I get these feelings.  Sometimes an overwhelming feeling of sadness or just very lethargic and it turns out to be something happening to someone who is very close to me.  This time though, it’s very real that the person is me.  I’m sorry if all of this sounds a bit disconcerting.  For those who have come to know me here it may be out of the ordinary for me not to sound so exact and to the point of what I’m trying to get across.  This is part of why I have been unable to focus on work.  Mostly because I have been purely unable to focus – on anything.  I’m thinking and rethinking and planning and wondering and it’s got me all perplexed.  For those of you who have been able to leave…were you feeling this way?  Is this part of the process or am I overwhelmed by all I have revealed and all that I have been reading of others’ situations of abuse and escape?

Maybe all of this boils down to straight up fear that I won’t be able to pull this off or maybe the unsettling feeling is that I can and will and he doesn’t take it well.  How long will I have to hide?  Will I put my kids in danger?  When will my life be normal and peaceful?  Geez.  I have so much to work on.  I can see that unloading my burden of abuse was just the tip of the iceberg.

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19 thoughts on “Figuring It All Out

  1. As a victim myself I can tell you that the process of healing is not an easy one, often times it is downright confusing; there are may facets, steps to healing from DV I feel. I too go through this many confusing, heart wrenching phases of healing, geez I’ve even gone as far to feeling bad for my husband, make excuses for his actions and even felt guilty for taking the steps I took from getting away out of a hostile relationship. These feelings are normal and its okay to allow yourself to feel them as long as you can resolve them, not allowing them to swallow you whole. There are no words that can change such confusing feelings, but nothing lasts forever, better days will come…stay strong. The positive side of it is that you recognize these feelings and are open to delve into them, to comprehend them and are open to talk aboit them. I wish you all the blessings-strenght-wisdom-clarity through your journey of healing

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    • Thank you so much. If this is part of healing then I am good with that. As long as like you say, it doesn’t swallow me whole. I think now, that I have the forum to speak openly about the way I feel to people who have been there it will help usher me through these stages as they come. I appreciate you taking your time to respond. xx

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  2. One of the best pieces of I guess you can say advice that I got and would pass on is that you have deserved the right to mourn. Mourn what was not, mourn for the good times (if there were any) mourn for all that you wanted and that you were not given. It is ok to miss, smile, and even be so angry that you cant see straight. Part of the process is that it is hard to leave. I can relate when you talk about the little part that makes it hard to leave. I think that if it was not hard, we as survivors would not have been in the shit as long as we were. When the time is right. it will be right. In the meantime, please please be safe

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    • I never really thought about that. Mourning. I guess for me it would be mourning the years wasted. All of my youth was thrown away on being unhappy and doing nothing about it. For that I am also angry. And angry that he couldn’t have been a normal person to be able to go to and just say, I want a divorce. Instead this was the hand I was dealt. Thanks, Abby. That was a good bit of advice. It would never have crossed my mind. I promise, I will be safe. xx

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  3. ok girl, of course you know before you even post that i am going to comment, so you cannot accuse charge me with cyber abuse from another taurus, can you?? first point is, you should not feel guilty about “slacking off”. the rest of us members of the blogging community are pissing our lives away blogging instead of what we should be doing, like work, paying the bills, flushing the toilet after use, etc. and most of us don’t live in the world of shit that you do, so are without excuse. but what the hell, the world is going to end someday (or so they say). so why go to work when we can quickly get in one more post, comment, or like before the mushroom cloud descends upon us. secondly (and you knew there would be) the thing that is missing, that you cannot put our finger on is providing me with the precise time of day and intersection necessary for my rented cement-mixer truck to rendezvous with a “certain pedestrian”.
    and third (as you exhale and thank the god’s that he’s almost done with another insidious comment) is that you will put it all together, i know. and whatever state of togetherness, readiness, willingness, etc. you are or are not in – you owe none of us and explanation. you owe us or anyone else anything in way of explaining yourself. just believe we are on your side until the very happy end. peace girl, peace and perhaps a xanax or two after surviving one more of my comments.

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    • I swear it…you are hysterically out of your mind and I love it. I hope your wife appreciates you, Bob! I know I appreciate that with everything I post you will undoubtedly lay some words of wisdom on me along with a desire to end it as quickly and cleanly as possible for the aforementioned “pedestrian”. Again, using descriptions I have dreamed of for many years. I know I don’t owe out an explanation but being as I have so many here on my side and rooting for my safe departure it comforts me in giving one. Plus I can always use a good laugh from someone I’d swear works for ACME in the anvil department!! 🙂

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      • well, i’ve been sitting here trying to come up with a reply worthy of yours, but my wife and stepdaughter have some “reality” t.v. show going on full tilt (which is the abuse i suffer) and i can’t even hear myself think, let alone reply appropriately to you. i am, however, looking out the window at the cement truck and wondering if there is any possible way to drive it over myself to end such misery. and of course, to say whatever you need to put out there to get through this, it is good. we read and hope and, oh dear,…. must i say it? pray. your story unfolding makes us feel like we are all part of a team that, against all odds, is going to win it all. i just didn’t want you to feel you had to explain yourself to anyone. you are you. no one has any right to judge or opine for you. be well girl, and stay in touch – assuming i don’t end it all before this show is over!!

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      • Wait…did you just say…pray? What is happening??!!! I will assume whatever reality tv was playing in the background had your wires crossed somehow! lol. Although I do appreciate the sentiment. I actually love being part of the team…no matter what got me here. You know me, things happen for a reason. I was meant to walk this path and hold my story until now, for you all, for whatever reason that may be. P.S. Keep the cement truck purring. 😉

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      • you got it sister. and after an evening of blaring t.v., the roar of the cement truck will be a welcomed quiet. well, i’m not sure i agree with “things happen for a reason…meant to”, and i’m not being contrary. it’s just that i see it as there is evil in this world that are inflicted on some, and no one (god included and assuming…) that meant such shit but the evil person who inflicts and tortures the innocent. life is random and none of us know when or how we will fall victim. i’m sad it was you who did. so, to that end, and even with the admission of god (don’t get too overly excited) there is no meaning to a lot of things, and this especially. what is meant is that you have survived and are overcoming by your own determination and because of your tremendous inner strength, intelligence, ability to laugh, etc. your victory is what is meant to be – what put you there in the first place was not meant by anyone because the motherfucker made his own choice to be horrible to you. i guess it is a matter of perspective, but whatever, i and everyone following believe solely in you and your power to break out and seize for yourself the life you desire. and with that mini-sermon, i can find no humorous remark to leave you with. so as always sister, i leave you with my every best intention and wish for you. peace.

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  4. Abby is right– it’s a grieving process. Both parties to a divorce grieve, but the person who initiates the divorce often does the grieving before asking for the split, whereas the other person typically begins the process at the point of separation. I learned that, and a lot of other sanity-saving things about negotiating the end of a marriage from a fantastic book called “Rebuilding when your relationship ends.” I highly recommend you get your hands on it. It was hugely comforting to me to realize that I was working my way through a normal progression of thoughts and emotions.
    We survive for years in dysfunctional relationships because we are desensitized into accepting the situation as normal. When our eyes are finally opened to the reality that what we have accepted as normal is anything but, then it becomes much more difficult to put up with. Your writing is your way of clearing the fog away from your eyes and seeing with greater clarity, but that’s a stressful and exhausting process. Be kind to yourself. When the moment is right, you’ll know.

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    • I appreciate your response. Thank you. I will look into picking up that book. I’ve been waiting for the end for so long and now that it’s in eye shot it’s not soon enough and I guess I’m just angry. You’re right though, the writing definitely helps and I know everything will fall into place when the time is right. Thanks again.

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  5. I think that I struggle with my subconscious sometimes. Some nebulous negative feeling of insecurity, doubt, or lack of self-worth creeps up on me when I’m not careful. It takes on different guises, trying to insert itself into current situations, when I think it’s really just a relic of an unhappy childhood (and abusive marriage). When I’m feeling that way, meditation and exercise help. Whatever it is, I hope you find something that does the trick for you!

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    • Funny you should mention that, I’ve actually been thinking of starting meditation. Of course I always feel better after coming from the gym but I still walk in and he’s still here. I don’t know. I guess I’ll figure something out. Thanks for taking the time to respond. I hope all is well on your end. As good as it can be. I try to ride the wave of calm whenever the opportunity allows, I hope you do the same.

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  6. I agree with the rest. You’re mourning. And it’s normal. I’ve been out now for well over a year and I will tell you…every single day I think of him, of what was, what wasn’t, the coulda, shoulda, wouldas. I still grieve. I still miss. I still despise. I still…all of it. It’s normal. But I can also say that it’s important to stay focused and proceed in spite of these feelings that you can’t quite make sense of. Because with time they will lessen and you will be able to identify them. You’ll have a better understanding. “It will all make sense” as I always get told. How long will it take? Nobody can say. I had a period of about 4 months where I didn’t think of him or anything related to him once. He sent me one email three weeks ago and I’m right back there again….angry, sad, confused, etc. It comes and goes. Be strong, know that you’re perfectly normal, and that you are fully capable of moving in any direction you choose. And as a side note: you could very well have PTSD. I would highly recommend some counseling when you are able.

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    • Thanks, Paula. Yeah it seems to make sense that this is a bit of mourning that I am going through especially since I am really believing that I am coming closer to end of this life with him. It seems logical. Someone else mentioned PTSD to me yesterday and I really never thought that I had symptoms or would be a candidate. Almost as if I was more in control of my head and could control whether or not things would effect me in such a strong way that I’d have PTSD. But it seems likely that I will have some sort of association to it with all that I have been through. I will definitely look into it and I’m sure will be in need for some sort of counseling once all is said and done. I greatly appreciate your input. Thanks again.

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