Five Year Plan

When I decide to post something it’s because I can feel it physically.  The emotional need and desire to write.  Almost beyond my control, what I want to say just rises within me and…I write.  Some sort of purge, I guess.  Whatever it is…once I get it out onto “paper” I feel better and it’s gone.  Giving it up and out for the universe to take it away from me.  On days when I don’t feel the urge to write, I literally feel calm and rested.  For the past couple of days though it’s been so emotionally bizarre for me. I’d stare at the screen ready to post and it was just inner madness.  So strange.  The best way I can explain it is like seeing bits and pieces of debris flying out from a spinning tornado.  Except this debris was whatever it is I need(ed) to get off my chest but I just couldn’t focus.  It wasn’t clear.  It still may not be clear but here I am.

I’ve been thinking about it for a couple of weeks now and today I decided to just do it.  Meditate.  Quite literally, like less than two hours ago I just gave it a shot.  I did some research and read all about my energy and chakras and just went for it.  Let me say, it felt good. Like really good.  I think it will definitely help my clarity and focus on what lies ahead of me. I am excited to start this new endeavor.  I’ll take it day by day and see how it goes.

As far as this post goes…my five year plan.  This is one of those “assignment” type activities teachers / therapists give to help – I don’t know what – help us realize we only think in the now? Give us an outline to guide us through our future?  Who knows?  I just figured this might be something good for me to do.  I am the type of personality that needs to see that plan, work out the kinks and put it into action.  Now, this is just a general overview but I trust that putting it out there will definitely provoke me to follow through.

Not sure how to start this so bear with me.

My main goal, obviously, is to be far gone from my current situation.  I trust that in five years this life will be nothing but a distant memory.  Something I lived in a different lifetime.  I will be happy and at peace with my new life.  Well earned and much deserved.

I look forward to living on my own.  After all, I went from living with my parents to living with my husband.  I never had the opportunity to be in a self-sustaining environment.  Even though I have always been independent, I have been either a dependent of my parents or depended on by my husband.  In five years from now, I will be happy and content in my surroundings, be them a studio apartment, a trailer, or a house that needs some TLC.  It will be mine to come home to and be at peace in.

At present, I work at home and run my own business. It is something I can do no matter where I go but if for some reason I need to go back into the working world on the outside, I am fine with that too.  In fact, in five years I may need that face to face humanity.  So be it at a desk, behind a cash register or in some form of help to those who have gone through the same life I have, so be it. I am ready. I have thrived in every job I’ve ever held and I would accept and embrace the change.

In December 2018, I don’t know if I will necessarily be in a new relationship, a rekindled one, or just on my own.  At this very moment, it actually doesn’t matter.  I don’t see that part of my new life as being an issue.  The important part will be for me to be able to live on my own first. A relationship is not necessary and doesn’t define me.  However, in five years I have no doubt I will know where I stand as far as this part of my life is concerned.

At some point in time, whether or not it will fall within the five years or shortly thereafter, I want to travel.  Not so much around the U.S. – that can be done anytime – mostly, I have a deep desire to go to Italy, at least sometime before I die, to the town where my great grandfather is from and just soak in my heritage.  It’s actually been about five years since I started genealogy research on that side of my family and the amount of new information I’ve come across that no one else in my family knew is overwhelming and I just need to feel that in person.  And, of course, eat the food.

This is all I have at the moment.  I feel better.  The tornado has stopped spinning and something made it out of my mind and onto the screen.  Wishing us all inner peace. ❤

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To read from the beginning… my story starts here.

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31 thoughts on “Five Year Plan

  1. Just wanna say I love you giving you a virtual hug. I remember doing something similar in therapy while i was trying to escape my abusive relationship. It does help..I exhaled with you :-). That fierce and furying bubbling cauldron that can turn and twist through our brain with destructive force can be “thrown” onto the page. I’m so grateful we have our writing. My heart cries and I prayed for you as I read your 5 year plan. I prayed for freedom. For wholeness. For healing. For your life…brand new. 🙂

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  2. i guess i’ve been so busy lately that i missed this post. and…… i know you’ve been dying in eager anticipation or my certain, but pending comment. alas, you did not leave me anything to hook my usual commentary on. but, as you well know, day one of that plan, which i hope is today or tomorrow has handgun or cyanide at the top of the checklist. cheers. hope you are well.

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    • For a minute I was wondering if maybe you were on vacation or something. No worries, you only missed it by a day. 🙂 Sorry to disappoint but in all honesty, if I knew I was going to be in this situation for this long, a handgun or cyanide would’ve been put to good use a long time ago. He would’ve been long gone and I would’ve already been out. So…now it’ll just be done the old fashioned way. A Dear John letter…if he’s that lucky.

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      • I got so busy at work that i was way behind on my reading. Dear John letter? Ok. I still think just directing him to your blog would be enough to induce a heart attack. Or, maybe you could solicit all of your followers to send him a letter, all of them arriving at the same day. I think if that did not kill him, he would certainly be ready for the rubber room and straight jacket.

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      • Oh I would sign up to send a letter!!! I recommend making a doll with a lock of his hair. You can have leave it on his pillow with the mouth sewn shut and the hands tied up!!!
        You know…just an average every day thought…

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      • yea, well he is entitled to that stupid look, right up until the first one of us puts a bullet in his forehead. i volunteer.

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      • Death is too good for him. He should live a long life in silence knowing his family is happily living without him. Let him suffer with knowledge and not be able to do a thing about it. That’s the best revenge…a happy, beautiful life!!

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      • Lmao!! The two of you have me cracking up. Veronica, I asked a “friend” of mine who goes to New Orleans every summer to pick up a voodoo doll for me. I have yet to see it. Once he saw pins sticking out of it’s body and him feeling ailments in the same areas he’d start getting nervous for sure! Bob, although I love every single one of your violent thoughts on how to take care of him…sadly, she is right. I’d prefer him to live in misery for the rest of his life. Preferably getting beat by a women.

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      • LOL…Maybe you can order one online and use it as a topper on your Christmas tree!!! I wonder how THAT would feel to have an evergreen shoved up the ole a hole…
        Oh my mind is warped and twisted!!!
        I hope you have a peaceful weekend my friend.

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      • well, i could go along with that provided he’s also spending life suspended above the ground with hands and feet shackled to the wall.

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      • yea, damn i had no idea i’d stir up so much shit. now one of your other followers is conspiring with us based on some “innocent” comments i made. i think if you keep blogging (which you must), you’ll soon have an angry lynch mob that even you can’t control.

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      • alright, this is your third comment today, so you have just provoked me into going over and checking out your blog. and you may regret that if i start commenting on yours as thoroughly, and might i add, though provokingly as i do on our mutual friend’s blog.

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  3. All joking aside, you do need to be careful. Anyone leaving an abuser should exercise great caution. I don’t believe people of that mentality are too lazy to just give up that control without a fight. He LIVES to control you. He can sack out lazy on the couch because he has you where he wants you.
    Please be careful and stay safe!!!

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    • Believe me I am fully aware. I’ve thrown out hints over the years that once my son turns 18 I’m out but you can tell he doesn’t believe me. Once it hits him that I didn’t just run away for the night and the thought that I may have been planning this for years sinks in…he is going to go nuts for sure. At the moment, I don’t feel in too much danger. He’s all about the arguing but I don’t let my guard down. I know him too well. Thank you though. XO

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  4. You are doing so well! When I left the abusive father of my child, I had little understanding of the extent of the abuse, and certainly didn’t have a plan. I only knew that getting out was the most dangerous thing I would ever do, which is why I left while he was out and did whatever I could to keep him away from me afterwards.

    As another commenter has said, abusers are never more dangerous than when their partner is trying to get out. I am sure your plan includes a safe exit strategy. Sending you prayers!

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    • I am trying so hard to use all I have learned from all of the survivor stories I have read. I have days where I feel like I can pull this off tomorrow and some days I feel frozen with panic and fear of what may happen. Writing has been an outlet and very helpful to start getting over the past but it’s the future that concerns me now. I am working on putting together an exit plan that will be rock solid and I hope to get feedback from those I know who have made it and are living free of abuse. Thank you for your prayers. XO

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  5. This is great! It’s really neat, over the last 5 years I have done a list every year or so of things I wanted to accomplish and more often than not when I go back to those old journals, I end up crossing off all things that I completed and it feels amazing. It’s true….it’s as if by writing it, you are making it concrete and the universe works out the rest 🙂 :). I had a dream to visit Hungary where my dad’s side of the family is from and I wrote it down as a desire a while back, but was fearful in going…but I did it and it was the most surreal and amazing trip…I felt my ancestors in spirit, no doubt. Anyhow, I wish you much luck in all your dreams and desires, although it’s not really luck you need, all you need is the desire written down and you shall see it manifest :).

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    • Thank you for reading and your comment.

      You are so right, I have started to learn that what you put out into the universe is what you get back. I am seeing in manifest with others I know and I can feel it -just the very beginning stirrings- at work within me. I do believe if I say what I want out loud the universe will answer. Between writing it down and saying it out loud…someone is bound to answer. 🙂

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  6. Thanks for liking my blog. I enhoyed reading this post.

    How I identify with your need to get things on paper. Sometimes I think it is a bit narcissistic but hey, if it helps me go out in the world and be a better person does it matter.

    Same with meditation. I recently returned to meditation through a difficult time in my life, I found a little app which gives me a thought for the day and rings a little bell after two minutes. Two minutes a day for positive energy is not much to ask.

    Hope you five year plan works. what have you got to lose?

    love Denise

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