Something Is Going On

Something is definitely going on.  I’m not exactly sure what it is – but it is undeniable.  There is something stirring, even as I sit here typing this.  When I get the urge to talk to you (those of you that may catch a glimpse of this), there is this streaming sensation I get in my chest, an urge almost, to speak, to vent, to let it out.  It’s insanely powerful and when I start to feel the very beginnings of it, I know it’s time.  So I sit here and close my eyes – and wait.  Within minutes my head and my heart come to an understanding (best way to describe it) and voilà…here I am.

What is it exactly that is happening?  I feel awakened…alert, oriented, as if my mind is mentally preparing itself – by itself.  How do I even begin to describe this?  Almost as if my mind is craving a sort of knowledge.  Not the…DIY how to build a bookshelf or what the best green products on the market are…no.  It’s more of the self awareness/enlighten me sort of thing.  An overwhelming sensation of the need to acquire all of the information I will need to guide me along the rest of my journey.

Truth be told…

If I play the numbers game, and wait for my son (the youngest) to turn 18, mathematically I still have 3 years.  Which seems like forever now that I am so close.  Of course, in the grand scheme…I have done 25 years already, so the last 3 years should be a cake walk.  And if I look at it in school years, he’s half way through his first year of high school.  Between week long vacations here and there, summer will be here and gone before you know it and I’ll be talking about his sophomore year.

Now, this is the part where people say don’t wait, take your kids and leave.  My older two are over 18.  Although they still live at home, I’m not worried about them.  I have already prepped the oldest that I will not be here that long past her brother’s 18th birthday and I have started to drop hints to my middle child – who is the more clingy of the three.  Over the years I’ve said plenty of times that I am out when my son turns 18 – albeit in the heat of an argument – or under my breath – or just out loud when none of them have the time to help me around the house because they’re all busy on their electronic whatevers.  So I know, in one way or another, this departure will be no surprise.  Not even to my husband – except I think he’s in denial.

I don’t want to push my luck by continuing to state that at the moment there has been no physical abuse for quite some time, but the verbal and psychological bullshit is enough to make me contemplate throwing it all away and adding another 25 years to my sentence.  That being said, I know him well enough that if I were to leave now – with my son – it would not play out well.  It’s the one topic he has made clear – if not directly to me – then talking out loud (as if to himself but we both know it’s directed towards me) during Jerry Springer-type shows, what would happen if I ever took any of his kids away from him.  Plus, as I said before, I don’t want my kids to live in hiding.  No reason for it.  They didn’t choose this life.  It would’ve been different if I left when they were small and they didn’t know any better or even when three kids was only two kids, or even one.  I’m not doing that to them now.  I have no issue going into hiding when I leave – but it’s not for them.

So, I’ll do the remainder of my time…sorting, selling, tossing…ridding myself of the bullshit that I have acquired these past two decades that are unnecessary and that I will not leave behind for him.  Basically, a slow but steady decrease in the non-essentials.  I will take advantage of my health insurance and keep up with regular visits to every and any doctor I am entitled to visit, get my bills paid, and paperwork in order.  I have already started to plan a course of action and will continue to do so.

Let me be the one to point out the elephant in the room…anything can happen in a course of 3 years.  That’s obvious.  If the opportunity arose that was a now or never situation, I’d be all over it like white on rice.  No worries there.  Unfortunately, he seems to be somewhat healthy (even without regular visits to the doctor).  Although there is an overwhelming possibility of sleep apnea…but he always ends up taking another breath of air.  Haha!!  Oh well.

Seriously though…I feel good.  I feel strong.  I feel amazingly optimistic (which is unlike me).  Whatever changes are happening within me are definitely for the positive.  And as I come to the end of this post…that feeling…the stirring I get before writing…is slowly leaving.  That’s how I can tell that what I have poured out was right and appropriate.

Even though I cringe at the thought of being so close but yet so far…when I go, I don’t want to “run” out of here.  I want to “walk” with my head up high.  At least that’s the plan.

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To read from the beginning… my story starts here.

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15 thoughts on “Something Is Going On

  1. Sometimes, when your life could be in danger, or you have no choice, there is no shame in running. I ran. It was run or die, and I made the better choice.

    The dignity you get to keep is in knowing that you have decided to act in concert with the fact that your life is worth so much more than what you are getting now. I would be wary of the impact you walking out the door deliberately can have on his actions. Some things need to be planned in background so you can leave as quickly as possible and not have to come back. It might make him unexpectedly violent and do something on a level you have yet to see. Be careful just how much of your plans to leave are allowed into the light.

    I urge you to be vigilant to that cycle of calm you are experiencing in regards to the physical violence. It will return, and when it does, it could do so with a vengeance.

    The verbal abuse. I don’t know what to say about that, because even after you leave, it’s aftermath will be felt for a long time to come. That will take some working through before you can find some stability within yourself. I still battle myself every day. I think I am emotionally in a fairly good position right now, but I have to say that it’s because of my support system. And I also have Kerwyn there correcting me every time I turn on myself and say something about myself that Kevin would say. The pain of this is so confusing and tedious to navigate. There will be no easy way through it, so roll up your sleeves. You are in for the long haul.

    Most of all, please be safe. The second you let down you guard, he will use that against you. This is what they do.

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    • First of all, no matter the scenario I leave under, in no way ever would I be leaving when he is home. That would be of extreme stupidity on my part. My not running but walking is more metaphoric then it is literal. I didn’t mean for it to sound like a shameful choice in the least. No matter how I leave, I still have to hide so the physicality of it is really all the same.

      The verbal stuff is sheer noise at this point. I don’t buy into his woe is me BS which is why he likes to put on a show as much as he does. Anything triggers him to react like a lunatic and he’s said straight out in the past that he yells louder and louder purposely to embarrass me to my neighbors. What he never anticipated is that I actually do not give a shit. So again, more of a reason for him to put on a show.

      No worries, I am vigilant and on my toes at all times. I know all to well how a simple argument can escalate into a hostage crisis and a free wielding fist. Although he may be able to take me physically, I hold the upper hand when it comes to intellect. My mind has stayed strong throughout and I refuse to let it waiver when i am this close to the end. I have no doubt…I will finish the game.

      As always, I appreciate your concern immensely. XO

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      • Amy, I just want to add on to the above comment…

        I was thinking about you this morning and how I started off my comment with “First of all”. I had to laugh. I write the way I speak and that is usually with an attitude. For those that know me in person, they can read my words and hear my tone perfectly. I hope you didn’t think I came off nasty…I didn’t mean to sound that way and I apologize if you took it personally.

        Funnily enough, I guess you can say I had an “aha moment” on Thursday. I was telling my (childhood) friend, that I speak of in this blog, how I just realized that being mean is my defense mechanism where as I always thought it was my humor. He joked and said…you’re just realizing this? Lol. So, the “first of all”, came from that place. Not sure why. I know with you (and everyone else here) it is unnecessary. I guess, it’s just habit. 😉

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  2. hey, good to hear from you. i got the sense in this post that you felt like you had to justify to some of us why you were still there and had not left yet. and i know some of my comments probably leaned in that direction. but you don’t have to justify it. i know you have this under control and will get out when the time is right. like anything, the time has to present itself. meanwhile, just keep talking to us and preparing yourself. and who knows, maybe he won’t catch his next breath. peace.

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    • Honestly, I didn’t really look at it like I had to justify myself to anyone. Unless, somewhere inside I felt I had to justify myself…to myself. If that is the case, I was unaware of it. But that’s why I am lucky to have the consistency of people like you who he keep tabs on me. Quite possibly I feel ready but am aware now is not the right time. Who knows. I do appreciate you always being there with kind and honest words. (And fingers are always crossed on that last breath situation). 🙂

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  3. Everything will come exactly as it is meant to. I am glad your mind is in a positive place and you fully know tbat it is just a matter of time. You are by far an asking woman and I had to laugh at the part where you mention your intellect. Other readers: this is one absolutely hyper intellectual woman; I’m assuming you can tell by the way she writes. A true author. Aside from that: an amazing mother who single handedly makes sure All of her children have what they need and she is their best advocate. Xo my dear friend!

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  4. I admire your strength. You are doing what feels right for you, and that takes courage. Nobody has the right to judge you on staying – every survivor has been where you are (some for a shorter time, others for longer).

    I understand why you do, but like sweetmarie I’d also caution against revealing your plans to leave – likely, your child turning 18 currently seems a long way off to your abuser, but it won’t always feel that way.

    Abusive men ALWAYS react to threats to their control with more abuse. That’s just the way they are wired, as I’m sure you know from all your years living with this man! Leaving is one of the most dangerous (and best) things we can do, so there’s no harm in not putting him on his guard. Whatever you choose to do, stay safe.

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    • Thank you! For sure my plans will be held close to my vest without a doubt. I haven’t really felt judged in this forum, which I’m grateful for, so maybe I felt I needed to just “say out loud” how long I actually have left, maybe more for me than my readers but in part still for both of us. If that makes sense. It’s like when I was a teenager proclaiming that I was moving out at the age of 18…at a certain point I started counting down the days, maybe from a year before hand. It came to a point where friends would pass me by in the hall and ask “how many days you got?”. Quite possibly I’m feeling the need to start the countdown (shrugging shoulders). Have no fear, I am totally aware of that fine line from light and joking to serious when it comes to my husband. It’s as quick as a snap and I always walk it cautiously. xo

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      • I can totally understand that. I’m really glad you haven’t felt judged (as it wasn’t my intention to suggest that you were). You know what’s best for you, and how to keep safe. I think anyone who has lived with an abuser somehow expects and even pre-empts the question, ‘So why don’t you just leave?’ I’ve done it myself. Only if you’ve been there and done that do people understand that it’s not so straightforward! I think it is great that you’ve got a plan 🙂

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  5. You wrote “Seriously though…I feel good. I feel strong. I feel amazingly optimistic (which is unlike me).”

    I disagree.

    Your feeling good, strong and optimistic is *all* your doing, and it is “like” you (otherwise you would not have experienced those feelings!).

    When those feelings come on, focus on them to make them stronger (that meditation thing) and they will permeate your entire being. Do that enough times and that’s the state you’ll be in most of the time.

    I have no doubt you’ll walk away with your head held high because that’s where you’re positioning yourself right now. 🙂

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  6. It’s hard to imagine having to endure any additional time still there if you are ready in your mind. But the thought of all the bullshit a custody battle would bring down… yikes. You know your situation and yourself best. You’ll do what is right.

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    • Thanks, Aussa. It’s true, mentally, I could leave today. If I had to deal with him on any other levels for any reason it would be far worse then just staying here until my son is 18. Once that day comes my kids are free to make their own decisions and I don’t have to deal with him ever again.

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