18 Days

Ugh…18 days!!  I can’t believe I have gone so long without a post.  Believe me, this was never intended.  Most especially because I know when writing about this topic going MIA sends people into a frenzy.  I myself have gone into a panic checking on people I hadn’t heard from in a while so I know how it goes.  If I had any of you concerned, my apologies.

Quite a few things have gone on since my last post (nope, still here) and it all has had my head in a tailspin.  My mind was on overload and I could barely form a thought let alone post something semi comprehensible.  Last I left off was midway through my Sweet Heart Series, which I fully intended to carry on until Valentine’s Day.  However, I had weekend plans that took me out of state.  A surprise party.

I had known about the possibility of this party since September – on my last weekend visit to my dear friend – let’s give him a name already or at least an initial – R.  There ya go.  So R is basically my consigliere, my guru, my confidant…my virtual bestie if you will.  Being as he works 99% of the time and most conversations are via text.  But when I have a problem, he’s there.  This is my friend who I have mentioned throughout this blog.  At first, the only one who knew of said blog.

Anyway, his wife mentioned throwing him a surprise party when my ex and I had gone there in September.  I knew it would be highly unlikely that I would be able to make another trip out of state “alone”.  Usually, if I go visit family I will take one of my kids with me and there is never an issue.  When the mention of the party came around again I knew I had to be there.  So, I came up with a story and a travel companion and although there was some huffing and puffing, luckily there was no issue on me actually going.  I was able to get out and go be part of my friend’s surprise.

As luck would have it, I knew someone who was going to the same party.  Someone who just happened to need a ride.  Someone who was looking forward to spending the weekend with me.  Yeah, my ex.

Since our last visit (The Flip Side), we had spoke of the possibility of a follow-up trip.  We were both so relaxed the last time.  It was a really good visit.  This time we were a little concerned about extra people that might be there.  I gave him the option that if he was at all uneasy about being there “together” and others seeing and knowing then I would not go.  He is like a brother to our friend and his presence trumped mine and I would have gladly forfeited if it meant our stay would be less than perfect.

It ended up that the other couple we knew going we both trust.  The husband being someone my ex grew up with and someone I have known nearly since birth.  I had worked with his wife in the past and so I was fine with being there with the two of them, both of us were.  So we went.  Our friend was so shocked and surprised, not only at his party but that we came back — together.

Another perfect two days…relaxed, peaceful, content…just as it should have been all these years.  Which did come up a couple of times.  This was how our lives would have been if we had stayed together from the start.  Comfortable and natural…and a lot of smiling.  Makes me believe that happiness is definitely a possibility in the future.

Of course, coming home is always the let down.  Dropping him off makes me sad.  Walking in my front door…depressing.  The week following was pretty much me spiraling into sadness and depression because of feeling so at peace with my ex yet still living this reality.  Rethinking all of the little things that were said and done while we were away.  There were moments when I contemplated not coming home at all.

I’ve made quick decisions like that in my youth.  Got mad at my parents and stayed out all night….or at least until they made enough calls to find me and come drag me out of wherever I was.  As much as my heart wants to do the same thing now, I know I have to play this out smart.  I have to plan and be prepared in order to get out in one piece and stay that way.  The more I keep things calm here the more I think I can plant seeds – unknowingly – in preparation.  If I use my head and play it smart I think in the end there will be less of a roar and more of a whimper.  We’ll see.

Time always flies when you’re not counting the days but when you’re watching the clock…how slow it goes.

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To read from the beginning… my story starts here.

 

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