31 Facts in 31 Days – Day 2

Today was a very draining day for me and I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I feel like I’ve been crying for weeks but it was more like 10-15 minutes. Part of the reason I have been able to stay somewhat sane over these past 25 years is more likely due to control. Not someone controlling me but my control in keeping this “situation” contained. You’d think that holding that burden for so long would break me down more than keep me steady. I guess I won’t know how my control has helped or hurt until I’m out and can get some true therapy.

As for today, well, I basically had what I would consider to be an “episode”. I was talking to my mother briefly about general aggravating behavior of all the people that live under this roof with me. Regular everyday venting. And then – the meltdown. All of a sudden, tears are flying out of my eyes and my voice hits a pitch I’m not really sure what animal can hear, and I start giving her some detail about the crap I have to deal with. Nothing pertaining to abuse, just the normal build up of nonsense that goes on in a marriage. At the end of the conversation, I felt (somewhat) better and I’m guessing she felt way worse. When I hung up, I was left wondering…wait until I tell her I’ve been writing this blog – and wait until she reads it. Ay caramba! I’m not ready for that day! Talk about a meltdown!

My mother doesn’t know everything. She knows he hit me one time in the early stages of my marriage, which lead to me ultimately leaving and going to a women’s shelter for barely a night, but due to the way things turned out, I never really discussed those types of occurrences again. I mean overall, she and my sister know that I’m not happy. They know I’m planning on leaving but we’ve never delved into the reality of my life. Our conversations consist of typical venting everyone does about their significant other and then we move on to the next topic.

The difference in today’s conversation was interesting. In the midst of me spewing my undeniable loathing and saying how I needed to wait until my son graduated from high school to leave, she said “And with him {the husband} you’d have to move very far away.” So somewhere inside she knows he’s not all there. I was telling a friend of mine about the conversation and he said, “You don’t have to tell them who he is. They know instinctively—even if they try to look away. They’re probably in denial. That man scared ALL OF YOU.

My friend is right. Ultimately, I think that is the answer as to why my parents may not have stepped in. His reputation was well known. For me, personally, keeping your enemies close may have been what has kept me alive all these years. I have no doubt whatsoever that if I had left while in the eye of the storm, things would have ended a long time ago and way differently than they are going to end now.

Moving right along…

The information I would like people to be aware of are the signs of abuse. Not every case is textbook. There are a lot of these signs that are not even close to what I was put through but there are a few that pinpoint things to the letter. It definitely can vary, the approach these predators use, so it’s important to know the facts.

Signs of Abuse

If a person displays three or more of the following behaviors, there is a strong potential for emotional, physical or sexual abuse. The more of these behaviors they display, the more likely that person is to perpetrate abuse.

Jealousy – questions the victim about her conversations, accusations of flirting, jealous of time spent with family, friends or children, repeatedly checking on her whereabouts or asking friends to watch her.

Controlling Behavior – questioning where she went or who she talked to, controlling decisions regarding the house, clothing, or finances, restricting her ability to leave the house, excessive texting, calling or emailing.

Quick Relationship Involvement – comes on like a whirlwind, says “you’re the only person I can talk to” or “I’ve never loved anyone this much,” pressures the woman to commit.

Unrealistic Expectations – very dependent on the woman for all his needs, expects a perfect wife, mother, lover and friend, expects her to take care of everything involving their home and his emotions.

Isolation – attempts to cut the woman off from all her resources, accuses her supporters of “causing trouble,” restricts access to a car, or keeps her from working or going to school.

Blames Others for His Problems – chronically unemployed, someone is always “doing him wrong” or “out to get him,” blames the woman for his mistakes or anything that goes wrong.

Blames Others for His Feelings – uses his feelings to manipulate the woman – “you made me mad,” “you made me hit you,” “I can’t help being angry with you.”

Hypersensitivity – easily insulted, claims his feelings are hurt when he is really mad, takes slight set backs as a personal attack, rants and raves about the injustice of what has happened to him.

Cruelty to Animals or Children – punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain or suffering, expects children to do things beyond their abilities, teases children until they cry, isolates children from the rest of the family.

Playful Use of Force in Sex – holds the woman down during sex, acts out fantasies where the woman is helpless, the idea of rape excites him, manipulates the woman into compliance, demands sex when she is ill or tired, unusual interest in or addiction to pornography.

Verbal Abuse – cruel or hurtful remarks, degrades the woman, diminishes accomplishments, name-calling, wakes her up to continue verbal abuse.

Rigid Sex Roles – expects a woman to serve him, insists she stay in the home at all times, he is the boss and she must obey him in all things, sees women as inferior to men.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde – sudden changes in mood, nice one minute – then explodes the next. Nice outside of the home, convincing others he is charming and the perfect mate, but angry, defensive and critical behind closed doors. Friends often have a difficult time believing the same person could have such opposing behaviors.

Past Battering – has hit women in the past, but they “made him do it,” has a history of fighting or violence outside the family, record of trouble with the police.

Threats of Violence – any threats of physical force used to control the woman.

Breaking or Hitting Objects – used as punishment (breaking her possessions) or to terrorize the woman into submission.

Any Force During an Argument – holding a woman down, physically restraining her from leaving, pushing or shoving as a means of control.

If any of you reading this are experiencing any of the above situations, please DO NOT disregard what I am telling you. It is only the beginning. Be very careful and … get out before it is too late. xo


Fact Source: Genesis Woman’s Shelter & Support


To read from the beginning… #MyStory starts here.

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