For a while now, I’ve been coming back to this page and staring at the screen. There were days I wanted to say so many things and some days nothing at all. I felt compelled to write yet frozen and unable. I’m a creature of habit and felt that everything I posted needed to be related to my story. You see, this blog is where I cut off the top of the onion and started to peel back each layer. As it all unfolded, I unexpectedly fell in love. Not with a person but with the purge.
It was such an unnatural experience for me…revealing my secrets. Yet, it felt so natural. The more I revealed – the more I understood. The fog that was hiding every memory of abuse was slowly dissipating and I was able to see clearly, in my mind and in my world. Each post was as if I was removing an item of clothing, and letting it fall where it may. At some point, I realized … I was completely bare.
Suddenly, I became consciously aware that not only was there no intention of ever putting on a single item that was tossed off, but there was also no desire to turn around to look at the mess that was strewn about. In other words, I was tired of talking about it. For me, this became a topic that somehow moved me to the next level.
Basically, I evolved.
This is my story. This is not who I am. This is not what I’m about.
I don’t like talking about myself. I never did. This forum was probably the most I’ve done of that in my entire life. It’s possible I never liked the topic because there was never anything exciting to say. It seems, at one point or another, I was always hiding something. Now, there’s not much left to hide. It’s all out there.
Don’t get me wrong, as vocal as I’ve become, I’m still hiding. Not everyone in my life knows about my true situation. Not yet. I’m not “loud and proud” and breaking down the walls of Domestic Violence in my real life. Not yet. For now, I remain at my computer being as loud as I possibly can. Trying to make every keystroke count until that day comes that I am truly vocal.
In trying to step away from my own personal story, October, being DVAM, was the perfect way for me to do just that. For those of you that followed, I somehow pulled off 31 Facts in 31 Days (by the skin of my teeth). This was a necessary turn I needed to take. For my own growth, and, to spread knowledge and awareness, to those testing the waters of possibly sharing their own stories. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to pull it off but somehow, with the encouragement of everyone reading, I did.
The reward was personal. Internal. Something hard to explain except to say it was less about me and more about those who are still silent. After all, it’s not always about me. I’m a drop in the bucket. A dime a dozen. A speck of dust when it comes to all of those who have dealt with and who continue to deal with abuse, in one form or another. I don’t want to dwell on my story. I want to move past it and be a voice for those who can’t muster the courage to speak up just yet.
Beyond that though, I just want to be normal. I don’t want to sign in and have to blog about abuse. I want to share my poetry, funny stories, videos, recipes – something, anything – less depressing. So, things are going to be changing around here. Don’t you worry, abuse is the foundation this blog was built on. Domestic Violence will likely be tied into almost everything – well, most of – okay, some of what I post. I just needed to give myself permission to let go – just a little – and allow the growth I’m feeling out here to be shown in here.
I’m excited to see where this goes. Bear with me though, I may need some time to transition. 🙂
To read from the beginning… #MyStory starts here.