Evolution of Abuse

For a while now, I’ve been coming back to this page and staring at the screen.  There were days I wanted to say so many things and some days nothing at all.  I felt compelled to write yet frozen and unable.  I’m a creature of habit and felt that everything I posted needed to be related to my story.  You see, this blog is where I cut off the top of the onion and started to peel back each layer.  As it all unfolded, I unexpectedly fell in love.  Not with a person but with the purge.

It was such an unnatural experience for me…revealing my secrets.  Yet, it felt so natural.  The more I revealed – the more I understood.  The fog that was hiding every memory of abuse was slowly dissipating and I was able to see clearly, in my mind and in my world.  Each post was as if I was removing an item of clothing, and letting it fall where it may.  At some point, I realized … I was completely bare.

Suddenly, I became consciously aware that not only was there no intention of ever putting on a single item that was tossed off, but there was also no desire to turn around to look at the mess that was strewn about.  In other words, I was tired of talking about it. For me, this became a topic that somehow moved me to the next level.

Basically, I evolved.

This is my story.  This is not who I am.  This is not what I’m about.

I don’t like talking about myself.  I never did.  This forum was probably the most I’ve done of that in my entire life.  It’s possible I never liked the topic because there was never anything exciting to say.  It seems, at one point or another, I was always hiding something.  Now, there’s not much left to hide.  It’s all out there.

Don’t get me wrong, as vocal as I’ve become, I’m still hiding.  Not everyone in my life knows about my true situation.  Not yet.  I’m not “loud and proud” and breaking down the walls of Domestic Violence in my real life.  Not yet.  For now, I remain at my computer being as loud as I possibly can.  Trying to make every keystroke count until that day comes that I am truly vocal.

In trying to step away from my own personal story, October, being DVAM, was the perfect way for me to do just that.  For those of you that followed, I somehow pulled off 31 Facts in 31 Days (by the skin of my teeth).  This was a necessary turn I needed to take.  For my own growth, and, to spread knowledge and awareness, to those testing the waters of possibly sharing their own stories.  I wasn’t sure I’d be able to pull it off but somehow, with the encouragement of everyone reading, I did.

The reward was personal.  Internal.  Something hard to explain except to say it was less about me and more about those who are still silent.  After all, it’s not always about me.  I’m a drop in the bucket.  A dime a dozen.  A speck of dust when it comes to all of those who have dealt with and who continue to deal with abuse, in one form or another.  I don’t want to dwell on my story.  I want to move past it and be a voice for those who can’t muster the courage to speak up just yet.

Beyond that though, I just want to be normal.  I don’t want to sign in and have to blog about abuse.  I want to share my poetry, funny stories, videos, recipes – something, anything – less depressing.  So, things are going to be changing around here.  Don’t you worry, abuse is the foundation this blog was built on.  Domestic Violence will likely be tied into almost everything – well, most of – okay, some of what I post.  I just needed to give myself permission to let go – just a little – and allow the growth I’m feeling out here to be shown in here.

I’m excited to see where this goes.  Bear with me though, I may need some time to transition. 🙂

————————————————-

To read from the beginning… #MyStory starts here.

Advertisements

10 thoughts on “Evolution of Abuse

  1. Good for you! I started my blog not to talk about my story but when I started I realized that for a long time it was all I spoke about. I had to take time off to regroup and rethink. I am sooo excited to see the other sides of you. The true and best sides of you!!!!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Hey girl!!! I was thinking about you recently. I totally get it. That’s exactly how I feel – regroup and rethink. It’s like there’s no more of that part of my story that I can tell at the moment but I love writing and I love everyone that I’ve met on wordpress and I just want to be me, ya know. Regular. 🙂 So glad you commented! Missed you!

      Like

  2. Oh, love, everything you live whether or not it is about abuse is part of your story. Dreams. Goals. Wants. Things that bring you laughter. Things that show your courage. Taking time out and learning about who you are. Doing something for yourself… and so much more. You are not your abuse. It is something that has helped shape you, yes, but it is not you. Many of us reach a point where we break from talking about what we endured, because we do not live in a bubble. We all have many facets to us, and you can share as little or as much of them as you want.

    I’ve taken a break of my own from my blog, not because I don’t have much to say or because I don’t want to. I’m standing at an intersection of paths and don’t know which one to take first. In some ways, I’m overwhelmed. I’ve been moving away from writing about myself so much, because I feel I have regurgitated it enough. I want what I say and what I do to be about others, because I no longer speak to heal myself. I speak out of concern for others. I still have some things to figure out. But I have reached the point where I am considering publicly using my voice at DV events and volunteering to answer calls on hotlines, which means getting DV training. I am also researching how to put together funding request proposals for a property I think is perfect for a shelter in my county. Because we don’t have one.

    You, my dear, are lifting your voice plenty loud already. It takes each of us enough braveness to do what we do after we have left, but you are still in the situation… and you are rocking this world even “in hiding” every time you speak. Every word, every thought counts on hundred percent of the time. It doesn’t have to be all DV all the time.

    It just has to be you. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Every time you reach out you give me such positive feedback and I am always grateful for it. You are so far ahead of me but I feel like we’re on the same path. When I’m out of the situation there is so much I want to do in the DV community. Once I’m able to speak out there will be no stopping me. I look forward to it. You are a guiding light, and a brave and amazing soul. XO

      Like

    • The hardest part is to keep mentally strong. I’ve always had an end game and that’s what’s kept me above water all these years. Once I started writing though, it just opened my mind so much more. The support of others who have reached out has been a phenomenal side effect of telling my story. Best of luck to you. xx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I am not ¨out¨ either. I have been trying. I am just not good at it. I am out online.
    That month of facts was good for me, too. I remember it helping me with processing. I am bad at processing, and I have the PTSD to prove it! Is one of my favorite jokes right now.
    Nice to hear from you, I am looking forward to reading more varied posts!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I too have some symptoms of PTSD. It’s a running joke because the most prominent is hyper startle response so I nearly jump out of my skin if someone quietly enters the room or comes up from behind me. They think it’s hilarious and don’t realize what it’s actually from. Being out online is so much easier! If I could just send everyone else a link to my blog and unplug the phone and never open the door for visitors that might help. 🙂

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s