Have you ever watched a movie or television show where someone had a demon enter and take over their body? And when the demon was done the person basically choked out this mist of blackness that just dissipates? With that imagery in mind…
When I started blogging about my situation, I reached far into my memory to scoop up all the demon exudates and flush it out in one fell swoop. I didn’t know how much I wanted and needed it out of me until I started choking up that mist of blackness.
At a certain point (I know exactly when it was but that is for another time), it became obvious to me I was done. It was evident in a way that I felt on different levels, physically, mentally, emotionally… I was exhausted. Reliving all of those memories were SO VERY necessary but it took an emotional toll I wasn’t expecting. However, I needed to go through all of it. Again. I needed to say it. Get it out. To whoever would or wanted to listen (read). It was time. This was the catalyst that would bring me where I needed to be.
Once my writing caught up to the here and now, and there was nothing left to cough up, the feeling of… ‘now what?’ crept up on me. What else was I going to say? What I knew for sure was that in no way did I want to give my abuser anymore airtime. I’m over that part of the story. I don’t want to linger in the memories of what happened to me when I was young and naive and still thought I knew everything. I’m not that person anymore and I don’t want to dwell in that negativity and sadness.
It was now a matter of playing the waiting game and I wasn’t going to do that in a forum where other people reading do not have the luxury to sit around and wait for the clock to strike a point in time that was suitable to them. People who are in immediate, life threatening danger and need to get the hell out now. Woman and men who are not sitting back but instead are proactive in getting justice for their situation. Neither of those scenarios apply to me so who the hell am I to sit here writing poetry on a backdrop of abuse? Give me a break.
As therapeutic as it was for me, there was a part of it that made me feel hypocritical. If there’s anything I’m not, it’s a hypocrite. In a small sense, there was a voice saying… ‘omg shut up already, why are you even still talking about this? Why are you writing poetry? This idiot is sitting downstairs and you’re upstairs laughing and having a great time online with strangers.’ Almost as if… how dare I? I don’t even know what that was about but it was there. Hovering.
Not to worry though, as it usually does, real life stopped all that chatter. Gave me more important things to deal with. A few bumps in the road in the health department. Nothing that couldn’t be taken care of with a few extra (annoying) visits to the doctor. So yeah, that was fun. It just happened to be one thing on top of the other and obviously that was of higher importance than me sitting down to blog.
There were other things in the mix going on simultaneously that just brought my head down. None of it – had to do with the abuser or that part of the story. All of it – put me in a place where I just didn’t want to talk to anyone. And on top of all of it, I still had to work. And work was getting more and more behind because of doctors appointments and because of me just not caring.
So here we are. More than a year since true blogging. I almost forgot how to navigate this website. I feel like a newbie… am I doing this right? When I signed in, I looked at my stats and thought… people are still reading this?!! Why? Well, because the abuse hasn’t stopped. Several messages say my stats are booming. So yeah, I need to stop the shit and get back to blogging.
Looking back at my last post (January 1st), I’m slightly disappointed because I had hoped… and had every intention of being back here, at the very least, once a week. Not so much for me to exercise my write-rs muscles – which need major strengthening – but more so to connect with my people. The fellow bloggers whose posts I looked forward to reading. I miss the back and forth in the comments and just … all of it.
Yesterday, I signed in to Twitter (another place I went MIA) and saw there were messages from a few people that I regularly spoke to. I was happy to see they cared but sad that I left off without saying anything or without at least checking in once in a blue moon. I’ve felt that fear of thinking something happened to someone I met online, in the same situation, who you can’t call or stop by to check on, and it’s a scary thought. For that, I apologize to anyone who was worried. I really didn’t think I’d be absent for so long.
So, here comes the actual update.
It’s not the exciting post-abusive marriage update but it’s as close as it can be today.
I had set an exact exit date a while ago but I didn’t want to advertise it because that’s exactly when things don’t go the way you plan. Too bad you can’t see my face right now because as I am typing this the smile is getting ridiculously giddy. Anywhooo…. it’s really close. I’m still counting double digit days but it’s like… right here. If I disappeared from the blogosphere again, it would come sooner than my history of returns. If that makes sense.
So yeah, sorting, shredding, storage, repeat. The clock is ticking SO loud. I’m nauseatingly excited. No worries, I’m ever vigilant… always taking note of the enemy. He is very aware I’m leaving. We’ve discussed it in not so specific terms but he knows it’s coming. At this point, it is what it is.
Everything is going to be alright. I can feel it.
It’s right there… I can see it. So, so close.
Love you guys. XO