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Weekend Update

Have you ever watched a movie or television show where someone had a demon enter and take over their body?  And when the demon was done the person basically choked out this mist of blackness that just dissipates? With that imagery in mind…

When I started blogging about my situation, I reached far into my memory to scoop up all the demon exudates and flush it out in one fell swoop.  I didn’t know how much I wanted and needed it out of me until I started choking up that mist of blackness.

At a certain point (I know exactly when it was but that is for another time), it became obvious to me I was done.  It was evident in a way that I felt on different levels, physically, mentally, emotionally… I was exhausted.  Reliving all of those memories were SO VERY necessary but it took an emotional toll I wasn’t expecting.  However, I needed to go through all of it.  Again.  I needed to say it.  Get it out.  To whoever would or wanted to listen (read).  It was time.  This was the catalyst that would bring me where I needed to be.

Once my writing caught up to the here and now, and there was nothing left to cough up, the feeling of… ‘now what?’ crept up on me.  What else was I going to say?  What I knew for sure was that in no way did I want to give my abuser anymore airtime.  I’m over that part of the story.  I don’t want to linger in the memories of what happened to me when I was young and naive and still thought I knew everything.  I’m not that person anymore and I don’t want to dwell in that negativity and sadness.

It was now a matter of playing the waiting game and I wasn’t going to do that in a forum where other people reading do not have the luxury to sit around and wait for the clock to strike a point in time that was suitable to them.  People who are in immediate, life threatening danger and need to get the hell out now.  Woman and men who are not sitting back but instead are proactive in getting justice for their situation.  Neither of those scenarios apply to me so who the hell am I to sit here writing poetry on a backdrop of abuse? Give me a break.

As therapeutic as it was for me, there was a part of it that made me feel hypocritical.  If there’s anything I’m not, it’s a hypocrite.  In a small sense, there was a voice saying… ‘omg shut up already, why are you even still talking about this? Why are you writing poetry?  This idiot is sitting downstairs and you’re upstairs laughing and having a great time online with strangers.’  Almost as if… how dare I?  I don’t even know what that was about but it was there.  Hovering.

Not to worry though, as it usually does, real life stopped all that chatter.  Gave me more important things to deal with.  A few bumps in the road in the health department.  Nothing that couldn’t be taken care of with a few extra (annoying) visits to the doctor.  So yeah, that was fun.  It just happened to be one thing on top of the other and obviously that was of higher importance than me sitting down to blog.

There were other things in the mix going on simultaneously that just brought my head down.  None of it – had to do with the abuser or that part of the story.  All of it – put me in a place where I just didn’t want to talk to anyone.  And on top of all of it, I still had to work. And work was getting more and more behind because of doctors appointments and because of me just not caring.

So here we are.  More than a year since true blogging.  I almost forgot how to navigate this website. I feel like a newbie… am I doing this right?  When I signed in, I looked at my stats and thought… people are still reading this?!!  Why?  Well, because the abuse hasn’t stopped.  Several messages say my stats are booming.  So yeah, I need to stop the shit and get back to blogging.

Looking back at my last post (January 1st), I’m slightly disappointed because I had hoped… and had every intention of being back here, at the very least, once a week.  Not so much for me to exercise my write-rs muscles – which need major strengthening – but more so to connect with my people.  The fellow bloggers whose posts I looked forward to reading.  I miss the back and forth in the comments and just … all of it.

Yesterday, I signed in to Twitter (another place I went MIA) and saw there were messages from a few people that I regularly spoke to.  I was happy to see they cared but sad that I left off without saying anything or without at least checking in once in a blue moon.  I’ve felt that fear of thinking something happened to someone I met online, in the same situation, who you can’t call or stop by to check on, and it’s a scary thought.  For that, I apologize to anyone who was worried.  I really didn’t think I’d be absent for so long.

So, here comes the actual update.

It’s not the exciting post-abusive marriage update but it’s as close as it can be today.

I had set an exact exit date a while ago but I didn’t want to advertise it because that’s exactly when things don’t go the way you plan.  Too bad you can’t see my face right now because as I am typing this the smile is getting ridiculously giddy.  Anywhooo…. it’s really close.  I’m still counting double digit days but it’s like… right here.  If I disappeared from the blogosphere again, it would come sooner than my history of returns. If that makes sense.

So yeah, sorting, shredding, storage, repeat.  The clock is ticking SO loud.  I’m nauseatingly excited.  No worries, I’m ever vigilant… always taking note of the enemy.  He is very aware I’m leaving.  We’ve discussed it in not so specific terms but he knows it’s coming.  At this point, it is what it is.

Everything is going to be alright.  I can feel it.

It’s right there… I can see it.  So, so close.

Love you guys.  XO

Off The Cuff

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As much as I knew I would be here…today, the thoughts of what I want to say and need to say are jumping around like the bubbles in last night’s champagne.  So, in keeping it simple, I’ll just say…Happy New Year!  It’s the long awaited and eagerly anticipated 2017.

I haven’t been here in so long, not for any horrifying or unsettling reasons.  More so for a necessary mental respite from spewing the facts of my life.  As much as it was good for my soul and my growth, it also felt like it became an overwhelming (self inflicted) responsibility.  One I was semi prepared for yet not close to ready to take on.

Aside from the basics of my story, those specific details which have been dormant for a long time, there were a slew of other things – detached from the topic – that were going on simultaneously.  I needed to concentrate on those things without feeling guilty for not being present, with you.

Now that everything else I was dealing with is under control, I feel like I can come back and start teething again on this blog.  For those here that I got to know well, rest assured I’m safe.  It’s only day one of 2017, but I’m looking at it’s entirety in the palm of my hand and I’m bursting with excitement.

Health & Happiness to all of you this year and always.

XOXO

Missing You

Don’t get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.”― Dolly Parton

To some extent, that’s what happened during my unexpected two month hiatus from blogging. Since I am self employed, at the end of the day, everything falls into my lap. Luckily, work has been good. Busy. And that’s why I needed to concentrate moreso on work and a little less on my extracurricular activities.  Plus, there is a part of me that cringes just a little every time I sign in and see “Battered Wife Seeking Better Life”.  Blech.  So depressing.

That being said, I’ve been missing you. My blogging community, writing, and reading your work. I had some free time today and decided to catch up with my haiku family and do some writing. It’s hard to believe I ended on Challenge #71 and on Monday, Challenge #80 will be posted. When I sat down this morning, I wasn’t sure if I’d have the desire to write a haiku – let alone eight of them – but it is just like riding a bike.  I hope you enjoy.

Challenge #79 – Prompts: Crystal & Hope
Meditation helps,
Find hope for some, while others
Use healing crystals.

Challenge #78 – Prompts: Vast & Clear
Telescopic view,
Bringing us the vast heavens,
With great clarity.

Challenge #77 – Prompts: Year & New
Count down ten to one,
As the year begins anew,
We resolve to change.

Challenge #76 – Prompts: Sing & Day
The prescription said,
Sing daily to soothe your pain,
Just cover your ears.

Challenge #75 – Prompts: Charm & Look
Looks may draw you in,
Charm will keep you attentive,
Love will melt your heart.

Challenge #74 – Prompts: Cake & Wolf
The wolf in sheep’s clothes,
Seeking to devour your soul,
And finish with cake.

Challenge #73 – Prompts: Black & White
Those who only see,
Everything in black and white,
Miss out on rainbows.

Challenge #72 – Prompts: Life & Give
Behold the wonder,
Life given from another,
Taken for granted.

When I signed in today, I didn’t realize it’s been exactly two months since my last post.  Thank you, Ronovan, for saving my place.

Meanwhile…

…back at the ranch.

This seems like as good a time as any to update y’all on what’s been going on.  Before you get too excited, my address hasn’t changed.  Rest assured, when that day arrives the accompanying blog post title will be straight to the point with something like…I’ve Moved or My New Address Is or more appropriately…It’s Finally Over! Nevertheless, there are a few things that have been happening in between all of the poetry sessions and lack of [this is my life] blogging.

So. In the proper order, last month, my blog turned 2 years old. What?  How have I been blogging for two years?  How have I been talking about this Godforsaken subject for two years?  And how the hell have I still been here for two years?  I know.  Except what I see is… oh man, those two years FLEW by and I can smell the finish line!  I know it’s hard to really fathom how and why I’m still here but I’ve discussed that already.  And in all honesty, the violence is no longer there and there are minimal to no verbal outbursts at this point in time. So it’s really like sitting in a waiting room watching the clock with the stereotypical grumpy elderly folk we see on television who complain about everything.  In fact, funnily enough, while I’m doing the necessary legwork for my exit, he seems to be in a nesting phase for the future of “growing old together”.  It’s really pathetically entertaining because I already know how the show ends.

Something else new and exciting (NOT) that has happened is that I turned 45 this month.  I know, how joyous.  It’s all good because I still feel super young.  Probably younger than I should which must be a good thing, right?  For longevity and all that.  And even though I consider myself pretty keen already, I’m really starting to get into the endless possibilities that the future holds.  It’s not just about living my life, this life, free from drama.  Now it’s more like…what else is there?  What have I been holding myself back from that I may have not even realized.  Even the smallest nuance of change will be a big thing.  And with each little thing will be an ever evolving me.  A friend of mine always says he’s a work in progress. Now I get it.

Okay, now hold on to your seats because this one is a biggie.  If you’ve been following me since the beginning or have read my story in full or are just happening upon this blog for the first time…you’ll get it.  Look at the title of my blog.  I just turned 45.  This has been my life for the last 28 years. I knew the time was approaching.  I could feel it coming.  I wasn’t sure how the hell I was going to do it or what I was going to say but… I told my mother.

I know.  You’re like…she totally already knew.  Yes and no.  She knew of an incident that happened in the past.  She knew I left to go to the shelter a million years ago.  And she knew he was an a-hole.  But she had no idea to what extreme. And she sure didn’t know it’s been going on this long.  I was concerned about telling her because I didn’t know how she’d react to some of the things I discussed about my past.  People have a funny way of interpreting the written word.  I didn’t want anything I wrote to sound as if I was blaming anyone else, especially her, for my predicament.

The day after my birthday, I spoke to my mother on the phone.  I told her that I had a secret.  I reassured her that I was not ill and I figured I’d lighten the mood and told her not to worry that I wasn’t going to “become Bruce”.  With that, I explained how no one ever knew that I liked to write and that I’ve been writing since I was a teenager.  I told her that I started blogging a couple of years ago and that I felt like now was the appropriate time to share it with her.  I didn’t mention the topic.  I had shared the blog with my sister a few months ago and she was with my mother so she was there as a sort of buffer.  Then I waited three long days until she read it in it’s entirety.

My sister seemed optimistic when I told her I was ready to share it. She was glad I was ready.  I was nervous but hopeful.  After writing about it for the past two years, I feel somewhat detached from it now.  Like, this is more of a story to me than the reality of it being my life.  So when my mother called, I was almost more concerned about the writing critique than about the overall horror of this breaking news.  I knew it was going to impact her.  I kept checking with my sister to see if my mother was okay while she was reading it.  Being a mother myself, it’s almost more painful knowing after the fact that your child went through something so unimaginable and even though you were right there you had no idea of their despair.  So I knew her emotions would take her all over the place.

You can all breathe a sigh of relief.  I’m not really sure what negativity I anticipated but her response was anything but.  We live in different states so it’s hard to really discuss this openly  now without being interrupted by people on both ends walking in and out of the rooms we’re in.  I’m thinking a more in depth face to face conversation is in the near future.  All and all it was a positive response. Another huge bolder has been lifted off of my chest. Another person knows and I’m still breathing. Another person who knows ME knows.  The wall is getting lower.  That’s almost as scary as the actual departure!

Now that I am older and wiser (not THAT much older – or wiser), I can see a lot of the err of my ways.  The biggest is… I chose to stay silent.  If you don’t act as if you need help, how can anyone know it should be offered?  I was a pro at covering up mental and physical warfare.  So for anyone that may have known of even one incident or suspected any future incidents, I tried my hardest to keep it hidden so that I would never be confronted by anyone. Either for fear of having to admit it and be embarrassed that it was happening or for fear that they’d try to help me leave and then all hell would break loose.  The same hell that I had been trying to keep from happening since day one.  So I slowly removed the possibility of anyone finding out by just removing mostly everyone from my life.  I kept it down to the bare minimal and the further the better.

Friends and family at arms length worked best for me.  Over the phone relationships were even better.  That way, I was able to breathe.  No sudden pop ins.  No expected dinner and drinks at my house.  In living that way for so long it became normal.  So much so that people would joke with me that they were going to pull a drop in.  I would laugh.  It was all funny ha ha but I would be physically panicking.  What if they were serous?  For years my abuser wouldn’t care about arguing in front of other people.  of course nothing insane.  Just him having an a-hole opinion about one thing or another to show how he was a big mouth.  So to avoid the possibility of that, I would just shut it all down.  Lights out.  Television off.  Everyone in one room.  No one goes near the door.  Don’t even open the refrigerator so the light doesn’t go on.

Nowadays, I think about how it will be living on my own.  Mostly, I look forward to the silence and in all honesty, being alone.  I’ll probably be like that for a while.  However, once the dust settles, I think it will be easy to merge back into “society” so to speak.  Life on the other side of 45, seems to be bright and shiny.  I’ve got a lot of catching up to do…God help society.  🙂

A Year in Haiku

You know that old adage, time flies when you’re having fun? Looks like there is definitely some truth to that statement.  Well, time flies by anyway so why not do something you enjoy.  At least you’ll have something to look forward to on a daily (or weekly) basis. I can hardly believe a year has passed since I stumbled upon RonovanWrites and his Weekly Haiku Prompt Challenge.

While on Twitter, I started noticing all these little poems people were posting.  They were so wordy and full of meaning in only 140 characters.  Each had a different hashtag but as days went on I’d notice the same hashtags pop up on different poems.  I thought maybe it was a certain theme or topic but I just couldn’t figure out the link.  Finally, I asked one of the women I met through my blog, who I noticed was a participant in this poetry, what it was all about.  She explained about poetry prompts and gave me the names of a few accounts to check out on Twitter.

Long story short, I eventually found this Weekly Haiku Prompt Challenge in it’s 8th week.  Initially, I was like… ugh, Haiku?  What the heck is Haiku anyway?  I remember hearing about it in grade school when we had brief lessons on poetry style but that was about it.  Luckily, Ronovan had a section on his blog that explained exactly what Haiku is.  Three lines of poetry, each line is broken down into syllables (5/7/5), the 1st & 2nd lines should be a complete sentence and the 2nd & 3rd lines should also be a complete sentence.  And if you’ve mastered the art, your Haiku will have two opposing themes.

I tried my hand at it.  It’s definitely not easy to write only three lines of poetry that has real meaning, let alone having to count syllables.  However, once you get the knack of it, it’s very rewarding.  In fact, I enjoyed it so much, after my first try, I went back and made up for the ones I had missed since there were only 7.  I’ve participated in every week’s challenge, some weeks I had more to say than others and came up with more than one Haiku.  And now, here we are at Week #60.  My year in Haiku has been nothing short of amazing.  The other bloggers that participate have become regulars and I always look forward to reading their entries as well.

If you are inclined, all of my Haiku are here, for you to enjoy.

#60 – Prompts: Bridge & Move
To move our readers,
Finding ways to bridge intr’sts,
Poetry is one.

#59 – Prompts: Bird & Red (1 of 2)
Flying from their nests,
Non-stop tears and a red nose,
Your baby has grown,

#59 – Prompts: Bird & Red (2 of 2)
A breathtaking bird,
Beautiful red cardinal.
From winter to fall.

#58 – Prompts: Rise & Save (See pic)
A measly attempt,
Saving one’s soul from Satan,
Few make ascension.

#57 – Prompts: Must & Bust
We must try harder,
To understand each other,
Seize traits in common.

#56 – Prompts: Luck & Hope
Time will heal all wounds,
Hopefully that phrase is true,
If so, we’re lucky.

#55 – Prompts: Five & Thrive (1 of 2)
Someone is missing,
While another pleads the fifth,
Live, laugh, love and thrive.

#55 – Prompts: Five & Thrive (2 of 2)
With my five fingers,
I can make the Vulcan sign,
Live long and prosper.

#54 – Prompts: Free & Think (See pic)
Nevermind your thoughts,
As I view my reflection,
Freedom looks so good.

#53 – Prompts: Guide & Mad
Our lives are fleeting,
Choosing anger will rob you,
Let peace guide your days.

#52 – Prompts: Silent & Loud (See pic)
Silent excitement,
Builds great anticipation,
Time to live out loud.

#51 – Prompts: Future & Give (See pic)
Give faith a fair chance,
Believing in the unknown,
Can bless your future.

#50 – Prompts: Gain & Hound (See pic)
With age comes knowledge,
Always choose love over lust,
Steer clear of mongrels.

#49 – Prompts: Lock & Gab (See clip)
Incessant chatter,
Filled with mundane rhetoric,
Fasten the muzzle.

#48 – Prompts: Inspire & Loss (See pic)
No matter the loss,
You can find inspiration,
And gain perspective.

#47 – Prompts: Water & Bard
Bard you say is me,
When sorrow pours from my pen,
With an ocean’s depth.

#46 – Prompts: Think & Fresh (See pic)
No past memories,
When I think of the future,
A fresh start excites.

#45 – Prompts: Pitch & Time
Weekly prompts are pitched,
Usual suspects join in,
Must finish on time.

#44 – Prompts: Charge & Lovers (See pic)
Their chapter and verse,
Lovers cloaked by the shadows,
Valiantly take charge.

#43 – Prompts: Source & Thought
This beautiful man,
The source of my every thought,
Faith, hope and focus.

#42 – Prompts: Love & Last
I was your first love,
Falling deep and forever,
You will be my last.

#41 – Prompts: Want & Tatters (See clip)
Set in wanton ways,
A wood chipper turns me on,
Oh, how it tatters.

#40 – Prompts: New & Time
Time spent together,
Reminiscing of young love,
Making new mem’ries.

As a new day dawns,
We breathe in rhythym and rhyme,
Our hearts know no time.

Twin flames burn as one,
Two souls forever embraced,
Thus, the time is near.

#39 – Prompts: Vie & Reach
A far reach for love,
To vie for one’s attention,
Countless ways to end.

#38 – Prompts: Ill & Rest (See pic)
Your ill fate is sealed,
No one escapes Karma’s wrath,
Best to get your rest.

#37 – Prompts: Foul & Sweet
It was a sweet thought,
Happily ever after,
Turned foul in your hands.

Your foul stench lingers,
As my lungs gasp for fresh air,
Sweet freedom blows in.

#36 – Prompts: Field & Beacon (1 of 2)
Her beacon of hope,
Contemplating the next move,
Waits in flower fields.

#36 – Prompts: Field & Beacon (2 of 2)
I can hear John sing,
Strawberry Fields, forever
a beacon of peace.

#35 – Prompts: Miss & Past
That place in the past,
When life was simple and pure,
Oh, how I miss it.

#34 – Prompts: Beast & Day
Fresh start with daylight,
Inner beast remains at bay,
Until darkness calls.

#33 – Prompts: Fame & War (1 of 2)
Dreams of infamy,
Thoughts on how to end this war,
Battle your own mind.

#33 – Prompts: Fame & War (2 of 2)
Enemy lines drawn,
Lose this battle win the war,
With no claim to fame.

#32 – Prompts: Rare & Harsh
Harsh reality,
Secrets veiled with a smile,
Genuine joy, rare.

#31 – Prompts: Wait & Move (See pic)
Two hearts in limbo,
Out of sight means out of mind,
Both wait for one move.

#30 – Prompts: Force & Free (See pic)
Force will not reveal,
Winning hand held tight chested,
Nothing trumps freedom.

#29 – Prompts: Fret & Chill
Go ahead and grieve,
Longing to mend past actions,
Chills your very core.

#28 – Prompts: Pop & Fail
New bundle of joy,
Too young to be mom and pop,
Love and marriage fail.

#27 – Prompts: Joy & Freedom (View pic)
Visions of freedom,
The taste, touch and smell of it,
A joyous silence.

#26 – Prompts: Empty & Bedlam
Awake and prepared,
Able to thrive in bedlam,
and slumber in peace.

#25 – Prompts: New & Old
With new horizons,
Shadows of the old linger,
As long as allowed.

#24 – Prompts: Innocence & Life
Claim your innocence,
With no tears for the life lost,
Contemplate your own.

#23 – Prompts: Night & Breathe
Dreaming vividly,
Overnight hours rush by,
Leaving me breathless.

#22 – Prompts: Belong & Run
The heart belongs free,
With no deed of ownership,
Free to run and soar.

#21 – Prompts: View & Revenge
In view of your death,
Revenge is most desired,
Justice is prayed for.

#20 – Prompts: Hunt & Wind
Pursuing the truth,
Quite the tiresome journey,
Winded by deceit.

#19 – Prompts: Deep & Truth
Authenticity,
A character strength or flaw,
Depends on the depth.

#18 – Prompts: Stress & Hold (See pic)
Secrets held in vain,
Stressful burden no longer,
Peace of mind awaits.

#17 – Prompts: Focus & Stray
Her mischievous grin,
Focused on the passing clouds,
Straying thought to thought.

#16 – Prompts: Haunt & Release
An err in judgment,
Haunting images released,
With peace yet to come.

#15 – Prompts: Promise & Gift
If your heart is true,
The gift of life resonates,
Promises abound.

#14 – Prompts: Shine & Potential
Dare to shine, just know,
Potential is subjective,
A work in progress.

#13 – Prompts: Spirit & Flight (See pic)
Focused on the moon,
My spirit is awakened,
Yearning to take flight.

#12 – Prompts: Study & Creature (See pic)
Wistfully study,
Every move, step, glance and breath,
Beckon the creature.

#11 – Prompts: Drive & Psycho
Psychological
Battles neither one will win,
Fuels drive for exit.

#10 – Prompts: Create & Destroy
With clouds in my eyes,
Hopes and dreams are created,
While destruction lurks.

#9 – Prompts: Fluffy & Rainbow
Her flowing tears end,
The fluffy tissues are gone,
A rainbow remains.

#8 – Prompts: Rage & Flammable (My 1st Haiku)
His flammable rage,
Sears in to her very soul.
Relief when she’s cold.

#7 – Prompts: Pain & Peace
Colorful canvas,
Full of sacrifice and pain,
Yet peaceful and sane.

#6 – Prompts: Flare & Shadow (See pic)
Her bruises burning,
Like heat from a thousand flares,
The shade keeps her cool.

#5 – Prompts: Cold & Heat
Hot passionate hate,
Cutting to his very core,
Coldly she wants more.

#4 – Prompts: Acceptance & Rejection
Accepting no more,
She rejects his tearful pleas,
As she packs her bags.

#3 – Prompts: Chaos & Calm
Sheer chaotic wrath,
Pounding calmly at her door,
The devil wants more.

#2 – Prompts: Turtle & Snail
Years pass by swiftly,
With the speed of a turtle,
The snail tries to leave.

#1 – Prompts: Silent & Loud (See pic)
Hiding with a smile,
Her painfully silent tears.
So loud, no one hears.

_________________________________________________________

More of my poetry pics are on Pinterest.

The F-Word

It’s about time that I make an appearance and talk about things. There seems to be a build up of thoughts and emotions that have clogged the flow of words from getting to this screen.  For several weeks now, I’ve had an emotional surge and have wanted to come here immediately to release.  Of course, work and life get in the way and all I end up with is my weekly Haiku, which I love, but my life is not all about counting syllables and rhyming.

So.  Here I am.  Mid thought.  Hoping to dump out a bit of what has brought me here without it being all moshed up, and after reading you think…what is she even talking about?  Maybe I should start jotting down thoughts as I have the urge to write just so that I don’t forget what it is I wanted to say.  Anyway, here’s hoping I don’t start rambling and that this makes some sense.

As part of my “self-healing” process, I’ve been taking part in an online chat group with some other Domestic Violence survivors that I’ve met over the last two years.  It takes place on Twitter every Monday night at 9pm EST under #domesticviolencechat – brainchild of Lindsay Fischer (aka @LinsFischer) usually accompanied by her trusty group assistant, Amy Thomson (aka @AMarie9619).  There has been a decent round robin of participants.  Some people stop by every week while some take a pass depending on the topic at hand, as it could be triggering.  Others, I’m sure, just read along without saying anything, if only just to know they’re not alone.

Last week, the topic was forgiveness.  “Forgiveness of our abusers, of ourselves and of others who were not there for us either by choice or ignorance.”  I had made the suggestion.  I’m sure we had covered this topic a while back but forgiveness seems to be one of those ever evolving enigmas.  As survivors begin to heal, I think, their thoughts on forgiveness change.

(Way back) In the beginning, when I started to share my story, I discussed the elusive Missing Ingredient.  Forgiveness.  I pondered “How can I forgive my husband for years of abuse?”  What I came up with were reasons to forgive myself.  At that point, only two months into pouring out my story, I wasn’t sure I could ever forgive my abuser and I certainly wasn’t sure I was ready to forgive myself.  I understood all of the reasons why it is beneficial but it was still too early.

Yet again, two months after initially discussing this topic, I posted Forgiveness 101 and still  I was unsure of where I stood.  I had read an article by Deepak Chopra, which read in part:

Some people are so ashamed that they can’t bring themselves to tell anyone their secret. The result is the worst kind of guilt, that festers inside with no chance for relief. If you feel that you have this kind of deep guilt, you must still find a way to believe that you are forgiven. You may have to take baby steps to get there.

In reading back my post and the article, I could see how close I was.  Just on the outskirts of understanding the necessity of this “F-word”.  I knew somehow it was key but I wasn’t sure how to obtain it and I wasn’t even sure I deserved it – let alone give it away to my abuser.

Since then…it’s been something along these lines:

“Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different.” ~ C.S. Lewis

And by that I mean, I can’t pinpoint when it happened or even how I’ve changed but I can feel something different.  It’s this bizarre internal feeling.  Almost evolutionary.  Maybe enlightenment.  I’m not sure.  All I know is, I feel good.  Mentally.  For the first time in a long time, my mind is clear and focused.  It’s weird.  Kind of like an out of body experience.  As if to say, I’m aware of my awareness. If that makes any sense.

So back to last week’s #domesticviolencechat group session.  I didn’t think about it when I was in the moment.  It wasn’t until someone retweeted my comment:

“I forgive myself for falling prey to my abuser. I was 17 and didn’t know how to ask for help.”

Wow.  That’s an eye opener.  First thing, apparently I forgive myself.  Kudos to me.  And the other thing, which is huge, is that I don’t think I ever allowed myself to acknowledge the fact that I was indeed a kid.  Probably because back then, when I was a kid, I was so intent on being a grown-up.  Plus, I had a lot of responsibility at a young age, so I always felt grown-up.  In comparing me at the age of 17 and my own daughters when they were that age, I was a grown-up!  There’s no comparison to the way the kids are today and the way we were in the 70’s and 80’s. Granted, it was a different time, no matter where you were raised.

Nevertheless, this statement I made, almost unaware, really opened my eyes.

I was a kid pretending to be a grown-up who got caught up in a world of unexpected trouble with no real skills on how to get out of it. For those of you that can’t comprehend the intensity of the situation that child was in, for those of you that judge her choices and for those of you who think she deserved everything that came her way…I forgive you.

Most of all, I forgive her.

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My story starts HERE.

Read more about Lindsay Fisher.

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