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Weekend Update

Have you ever watched a movie or television show where someone had a demon enter and take over their body?  And when the demon was done the person basically choked out this mist of blackness that just dissipates? With that imagery in mind…

When I started blogging about my situation, I reached far into my memory to scoop up all the demon exudates and flush it out in one fell swoop.  I didn’t know how much I wanted and needed it out of me until I started choking up that mist of blackness.

At a certain point (I know exactly when it was but that is for another time), it became obvious to me I was done.  It was evident in a way that I felt on different levels, physically, mentally, emotionally… I was exhausted.  Reliving all of those memories were SO VERY necessary but it took an emotional toll I wasn’t expecting.  However, I needed to go through all of it.  Again.  I needed to say it.  Get it out.  To whoever would or wanted to listen (read).  It was time.  This was the catalyst that would bring me where I needed to be.

Once my writing caught up to the here and now, and there was nothing left to cough up, the feeling of… ‘now what?’ crept up on me.  What else was I going to say?  What I knew for sure was that in no way did I want to give my abuser anymore airtime.  I’m over that part of the story.  I don’t want to linger in the memories of what happened to me when I was young and naive and still thought I knew everything.  I’m not that person anymore and I don’t want to dwell in that negativity and sadness.

It was now a matter of playing the waiting game and I wasn’t going to do that in a forum where other people reading do not have the luxury to sit around and wait for the clock to strike a point in time that was suitable to them.  People who are in immediate, life threatening danger and need to get the hell out now.  Woman and men who are not sitting back but instead are proactive in getting justice for their situation.  Neither of those scenarios apply to me so who the hell am I to sit here writing poetry on a backdrop of abuse? Give me a break.

As therapeutic as it was for me, there was a part of it that made me feel hypocritical.  If there’s anything I’m not, it’s a hypocrite.  In a small sense, there was a voice saying… ‘omg shut up already, why are you even still talking about this? Why are you writing poetry?  This idiot is sitting downstairs and you’re upstairs laughing and having a great time online with strangers.’  Almost as if… how dare I?  I don’t even know what that was about but it was there.  Hovering.

Not to worry though, as it usually does, real life stopped all that chatter.  Gave me more important things to deal with.  A few bumps in the road in the health department.  Nothing that couldn’t be taken care of with a few extra (annoying) visits to the doctor.  So yeah, that was fun.  It just happened to be one thing on top of the other and obviously that was of higher importance than me sitting down to blog.

There were other things in the mix going on simultaneously that just brought my head down.  None of it – had to do with the abuser or that part of the story.  All of it – put me in a place where I just didn’t want to talk to anyone.  And on top of all of it, I still had to work. And work was getting more and more behind because of doctors appointments and because of me just not caring.

So here we are.  More than a year since true blogging.  I almost forgot how to navigate this website. I feel like a newbie… am I doing this right?  When I signed in, I looked at my stats and thought… people are still reading this?!!  Why?  Well, because the abuse hasn’t stopped.  Several messages say my stats are booming.  So yeah, I need to stop the shit and get back to blogging.

Looking back at my last post (January 1st), I’m slightly disappointed because I had hoped… and had every intention of being back here, at the very least, once a week.  Not so much for me to exercise my write-rs muscles – which need major strengthening – but more so to connect with my people.  The fellow bloggers whose posts I looked forward to reading.  I miss the back and forth in the comments and just … all of it.

Yesterday, I signed in to Twitter (another place I went MIA) and saw there were messages from a few people that I regularly spoke to.  I was happy to see they cared but sad that I left off without saying anything or without at least checking in once in a blue moon.  I’ve felt that fear of thinking something happened to someone I met online, in the same situation, who you can’t call or stop by to check on, and it’s a scary thought.  For that, I apologize to anyone who was worried.  I really didn’t think I’d be absent for so long.

So, here comes the actual update.

It’s not the exciting post-abusive marriage update but it’s as close as it can be today.

I had set an exact exit date a while ago but I didn’t want to advertise it because that’s exactly when things don’t go the way you plan.  Too bad you can’t see my face right now because as I am typing this the smile is getting ridiculously giddy.  Anywhooo…. it’s really close.  I’m still counting double digit days but it’s like… right here.  If I disappeared from the blogosphere again, it would come sooner than my history of returns. If that makes sense.

So yeah, sorting, shredding, storage, repeat.  The clock is ticking SO loud.  I’m nauseatingly excited.  No worries, I’m ever vigilant… always taking note of the enemy.  He is very aware I’m leaving.  We’ve discussed it in not so specific terms but he knows it’s coming.  At this point, it is what it is.

Everything is going to be alright.  I can feel it.

It’s right there… I can see it.  So, so close.

Love you guys.  XO

Flashback

RonovanWrites Weekly Haiku
Poetry Prompt Challenge #80

This two word combo brought me right back to the 80’s.

This week’s prompt words are:  Style & Fresh

Back in the 80’s,
Your style was funky fresh,
Or it was straight whack.

This may not be a proper haiku but it was fun and a good laugh for Monday morning.

 

Missing You

Don’t get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.”― Dolly Parton

To some extent, that’s what happened during my unexpected two month hiatus from blogging. Since I am self employed, at the end of the day, everything falls into my lap. Luckily, work has been good. Busy. And that’s why I needed to concentrate moreso on work and a little less on my extracurricular activities.  Plus, there is a part of me that cringes just a little every time I sign in and see “Battered Wife Seeking Better Life”.  Blech.  So depressing.

That being said, I’ve been missing you. My blogging community, writing, and reading your work. I had some free time today and decided to catch up with my haiku family and do some writing. It’s hard to believe I ended on Challenge #71 and on Monday, Challenge #80 will be posted. When I sat down this morning, I wasn’t sure if I’d have the desire to write a haiku – let alone eight of them – but it is just like riding a bike.  I hope you enjoy.

Challenge #79 – Prompts: Crystal & Hope
Meditation helps,
Find hope for some, while others
Use healing crystals.

Challenge #78 – Prompts: Vast & Clear
Telescopic view,
Bringing us the vast heavens,
With great clarity.

Challenge #77 – Prompts: Year & New
Count down ten to one,
As the year begins anew,
We resolve to change.

Challenge #76 – Prompts: Sing & Day
The prescription said,
Sing daily to soothe your pain,
Just cover your ears.

Challenge #75 – Prompts: Charm & Look
Looks may draw you in,
Charm will keep you attentive,
Love will melt your heart.

Challenge #74 – Prompts: Cake & Wolf
The wolf in sheep’s clothes,
Seeking to devour your soul,
And finish with cake.

Challenge #73 – Prompts: Black & White
Those who only see,
Everything in black and white,
Miss out on rainbows.

Challenge #72 – Prompts: Life & Give
Behold the wonder,
Life given from another,
Taken for granted.

When I signed in today, I didn’t realize it’s been exactly two months since my last post.  Thank you, Ronovan, for saving my place.

Blue Skies

RonovanWrites Weekly Haiku
Poetry Prompt Challenge #71

This week’s prompt words are:  Cover & Color

haiku 71 pic

Like a warm blanket,
Azure skies are a backdrop,
To fluffy white clouds.

Four things to remember when writing haiku:

  • You have three lines of poetry.
  • 17 total syllables in the 5/7/5 pattern.
  • You normally tell two opposite images in the poem.
  • Lines one and two should read as a complete sentence and lines two and three should read as a complete sentence.

Notice the word normally. You can have the poem be about aspects of the same thing, but normally you look at it from two different ways.

I almost never think of the opposing themes when first writing the haiku.  My initial thoughts are to fit the words into something that sounds decent and then I check my syllable use.  If I’m somewhat happy with what popped out of my brain, I’ll knead the words until I’m satisfied enough to share the finished product.

Like a warm blanket, azure skies are a backdrop.
Azure skies are a backdrop to fluffy white clouds.

Although it was not consciously my intent, I think the contrast in colors of azure and white work well enough as an opposing image.

Sunday Sonnet

RonovanWrites Weekly Haiku
Poetry Prompt Challenge #70

Ronovan enjoys racking our brains a little too much, I think.

This week’s prompt words are:  Crane & Gold

Expect great changes,
When we broaden our thinking,
Reap gold in wisdom.

Expect great changes when we broaden our thinking.
When we broaden our thinking, reap gold in wisdom.

A Bit Challenging

My mood has been somewhat -wishy washy- this past week.  I thought about taking a break from all social media, blogging, etc. Basically… people in general. I’ve been feeling an overwhelming need to withdraw. Not really sure why. I even passed up Ronovan’s Haiku Challenge last week.  Thought about doing the same again this week.  Then I just sat here.  Figured, let me just suck it up and write a haiku.  What’s the big deal?  Of course, me being me, I need to check the words from last week and see how to incorporate them with this week’s prompt words and still come up with something that has a personal meaning to where my mind is presently at.

Ronovan Writes Weekly Haiku Prompt Challenge #67 Prompt Words: Cheer & Call and Challenge #68 Prompt Words: Muse & Pen.  No problemo.  Right?  Write.

I’m never good with titles, and giving this haiku one proved to be a little difficult.  My reason for giving it this title is mostly because of what the haiku itself is saying.  It’s not always an easy task to think about one’s past and still move forward optimistically and confident.  Sometimes it can be …

A Bit Challenging
Reflect on dried ink,
As optimism guides you,
With renewed command.

Decided to use synonyms this week:
cheer – optimism
call – command
muse – reflect
pen – ink

My take on opposing themes:
Reflecting (on the past) & Renewed (looking to the future)

Hope you guys enjoyed.