A while back, I attempted meditation. I only did it a couple of times but it was an enjoyable experience and it seemed like something that would be helpful if I could continue it regularly. Of course, I didn’t continue. No specific reason as to why. Just stopped. You know how it goes, too busy with work, family, blogging…etc. Plus, it’s hard to get a quiet time to really focus. I have a small window before my day gets going and phones start ringing and if I forget then there’s no time to squeeze it in. Also, there are things that I do for me and my own peace of mind (such as writing) that I’m not into the rest of the household knowing – therefore, less comments from the peanut gallery – and meditation is on that list.
So, out of the blue, I decided on Monday to start again. I’m working on “realigning my chakras” and I have to say, I’m enjoying it. Monday happened to be a noisy morning so I put in ear plugs, which really helped me focus, and so I have been using them every day. For me, it’s a smart move because I can tune right into my breathing and clearing my mind.
This week I’ve been working on my Red Chakra which represents my base aka my foundation. The meditative exercises I’ve been employing deal with understanding the source of my life energy. Not only from my current state but what has been passed down to me through the generations. I’ve been focusing on Renewal; change and new beginnings. This is part of the book I’m reading, sort of a Chakra guideline. To my surprise and yet not a shock, apropos my life, part of the meditation was to feel fear, sadness and let my mind journey to that place I want to inevitably be.
Pleasantly, my consciousness has quickly adapted to letting my thoughts and visuals go where I need to in order to conjure these very real feelings. It’s only Thursday, and I’m already feeling a clarity about certain things, so I’m interested to see where this goes. Here’s the thing. This week brought up a feeling I always knew existed but I’ve been so determined to suppress it that when it showed up in my meditation it was very emotional. Very emotional.
Fear.
I just can’t shake it. It’s this shadow that is living inside of me and no matter how hard I push it down it still pops up. Strangely, the fear is not in being here or in the actual act of leaving. I’m very aware of the process I’ve outlined and what needs to be taken care of in order to accomplish this. I’m confident in my ability to get out. However, every action has a reaction. The fear is in the unknown response of what leaving will snowball into.
At this point in “our” lives, I know on some level he knows I’m leaving or at least suspects it but doubts I’d actually do it. He still plans for a future of growing old together – as if. But I know, as with any change, there are going to be stages he goes through. Of course, we’re both going to go through stages but they’ll be vastly different. I already know how he reacts when he’s angry so I anticipate promises, threats, and destruction. I think it’s the hunting down part that keeps me in a certain head space. I mean, he’s turning 50 – does he really still have the chase in him? I tell him continually that I don’t love him and that I’m not happy, and in giving the benefit of the doubt, I feel like that will click (at some point) and he’ll accept the fact that I’m not coming back.
It’s not even fear about what he’ll do to me. That’s pretty much the least of it. It’s more of the lengths will he go to in order for me to come back. Who will he harass? What will he do? Where will he show up? When will he give up? And of course there is – why. I know he’s going to play this pathetic…Why did I leave? Why didn’t I give him another chance? Why didn’t I let go of the past? And whatever else his brain can muster to dump all of this on me, as if it’s my fault. I guess the fear is that he will actually come through on one or more of his threats made over the span of this marriage.
Fear of the unknown is horrifically cruel. It plays every single scenario over and over, each time making the outcome worse and worse. This gut wrenching fear is paralyzing. I was talking to a friend of mine about all of this yesterday, and they said that [since I’m aware] I can start to detach from the fear and start really confronting it. That I’m, moving away from it but it’s a process and I have to move through the process, which has already begun. My friend said, the control needs to shift to me now. The battle is in my heart. The battle is with the fear. That I’m already bigger than that fear at the deepest level and ready to take it on. Now it just has to reach the surface. “When you decide it’s time to go, you’ll be ready for whatever he brings your way.”
I know that’s all true. It makes sense. I guess it’s just that after all these years, now that the end is so close, all the suppressed trepidation is bubbling up. Maybe that’s the point of starting back on this road of meditation. Maybe it was a subconscious decision that is meant to lead me down the path of self realization and enlightenment in order to finish this part of my life. I guess I’ll learn more as I continue on this journey – through darkness, dawn and light.
Battered Wife Seeking Better Life 