Tag Archive | friends

Goals

goals

It has been close to 30 years since I was first struck by the man who would become my husband. After numerous brutal beatings, three children, non-stop threats of murder if I dare leave, in addition to my own prayers for my life to end so I could be free of the abuse…somehow, I survived.

The depth of my fear, fueled by my hate, gave me a pinpointed focus to raise my children and upon the last turning 18… get the hell out! Well, that time is upon me.

I’ve been counting down the days for way longer than I can remember.  Once they became a realistic number, I thought to myself… this is about to get real.  FAST!  Then before I knew it, the days went from 365 to less than half of that number, to within the same calender year and now… mere weeks.  Now, mental preparation.

There is still so much to get done before I go.  Loose ends to tie up.  People I want to explain my inevitable absence to.  And then there is my family.  I allowed my sister and mother to enter into my secret life and read my blog.  When they had a full understanding of my life thus far they seemed genuinely distressed over what I had been through.  My parents had only known about one episode early on but I did a good enough job hiding the life I endured that they had no idea it continued, most especially not for 25+ years.

Since absorbing that I most definitely do intend to go through with my exit plan, my mother and sister seem (to me) to be more concerned about what they need to do to protect themselves than they are about anything I will be going though.  The words, “how can we help” have yet to be spoken.  As these last days are closing in, these words, or lack thereof, have shaken me.  Although I do have friends that have offered their help, I can’t help but feel very much alone.  I’ve been taken back to a mental state where I need to fend for myself, and fear has kicked in.  Worst of all, every specific I had planned for this exit, I now feel unsure about.  I’m second guessing, feeling anxious and deciding whether or not I need to make changes.

On another note, I work from home.  I guess that being helpful or hurtful is up for debate but the point is, I work.  And I do so for many hours a day.  Yet, like many, many others, I live from check to check.  I have been able to put some money to the side for this event.  However, I did not start doing so until the end date was too close for comfort realizing I was broke.  So yeah, my resolution…save something…anything!  I am very much aware that is not nearly enough.  This has added panic on to every other emotion I’m feeling.

How the hell, where the hell, what the hell…am I going to do?  I do not like borrowing.  I’ve had to in the past and it’s just so uneasy for me.  I know I’m not the only one that feels that way.  Unrelated to financial issues, when asking for help – on any level – I’ve been let down more often than not.  So even being here right now, asking, begging, is surreal.  This is so uncomfortable and I apologize for even attempting to have the audacity to think anyone….everyone… doesn’t have a million other things more important to donate money to than me.

I am not even close to a special case.  There are so many of us.  Abuse victims.  And although I haven’t felt like a “victim” for a long time – due to my abuser’s very painful rheumatoid arthritis (lucky me) – Now, I am just a victim of my own poor financial planning.  I don’t even know where to start in asking people to donate, or what an appropriate amount is to ask for.  All I can think of is that if I can afford to pay rent for at least six months, then maybe I can be less stressed about the initial “hiding” period.  My son will be with me and I am not going to be ready for either one of us to be out and about, at least not for the first month or so.  I need to make sure we are completely safe.

This is going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever pulled off.  If there is just one aspect of it that I don’t have to worry over, I would be beyond appreciative.  Once I am fully free, paying it forward will be in using my voice and being as loud as possible for those of us that are still in hiding.  It has been 30 years since I was abused by someone who claimed to love me, and it is clear that this epidemic is far from over.  It’s not even close to ending with me; there are so many others out there.  Every anonymous account needs a voice.  A new fight I look forward to getting into head on.

For those of you who find it in your heart to donate anything to me… I thank you in advance and will be forever grateful.  If you are unable to donate, please share this on your social media.  XOXO

Click here to read my full story.

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This Guy I Know

There’s this guy I know who has been a part of my life since we were about 8 years old. We went to school together all the way through high school and then lost touch. He went off to college and I became a mother. We didn’t see or speak to each other again until 20 years later, and there was no one I was more excited to see than him.

You know how when you’re a little kid, and you have your bestest friend ever or someone you will call on to come play outside or confide all your secrets to – well, that wasn’t him. However, if you were to make a list of friends from your childhood of kids you always thought were in your “circle” that you never minded if they were around or part of the group or just in eyeshot…he was always on that list. I guess there was just an air about him that I picked up on back then. Something that I would never be able to explain as a child, or a teenager – just an innate sense that there was something.

Over the years, I often wondered about him. If he was still in the same area, whether or not he got married, had a family, moved out of state. You may recall, before all the social networks, there was a website called “Classmates”. It allowed you to put your name in a database according to the school you went to and the year you graduated. I believe you had the option to make your information public in case people wanted to get in touch with you or you could click on the names of registered people and the website would send them an email letting them know so and so is looking for you. When I signed up on that site, he was one of the first people I looked for.

It’s now been just about 7 years since our renewed friendship and I would never have been able to predict just how important he’s become to me. I can’t imagine going any significant amount of time without speaking to him – which is mostly via text because he is always working. Even when he’s on vacation with his family for only a week, I am losing my mind waiting for him to get back so I can tell him whatever funny or dramatic story happened while he was inaccessible.

He has without a doubt become my bestest friend ever. He probably doesn’t believe me when I tell him that he is the only person on Earth that knows 99.9% of everything about me. There’s just some sort of connection that made me so comfortable in confiding things to him that I would not tell anyone else. In short, he’s become my confidant, my listening ear, my guru, my therapist, my consigliere, and more importantly – my family.  Whatever the topic may be, there’s always some piece of sound advice that he gives that just makes more sense in the way he says it than if I were to have thought of it myself.

Now, I’d like to say I am all this and more to him, I’m sure on some level I am. After all, he’s a man and men don’t always pour out their feelings and emotions the way women do. But when he does, I appreciate the fact that he is letting me see a side to him that I’m sure he keeps out of view from others. It’s rare that you really get a glimpse into what a man feels and thinks, and it’s actually very endearing.  And it makes me feel extra special when he let’s his guard down with me.

The hard part about this friendship is that we live in different states and so I don’t get to see him often. He doesn’t get time for too many phone calls because his job is beyond ridiculous and he’s basically always working. Plus, being in my current situation, I can’t really just pick up the phone and talk to another man without it causing some type of fallout – unless of course it’s a relative. Also, probably as a result of being in my situation, I feel a certain level of consideration for his wife’s feelings because I wouldn’t want her to think there was anything more than a sincere friendship, so I don’t bother him when he’s on family time. Not to mention, from a woman’s viewpoint, I don’t know that I’d be so comfortable with my man (of the future) being on the phone with another woman, even if I knew her and was friends with her, no matter how innocent.

With all of the above being said, this post is being written as part of #BeWoW which stands for Be Wonderful on Wednesday. In which we are asked to share something inspirational, motivational, encouraging or something that just brings a feeling of wonderful to our lives. This friendship is all of that to me and so much more, and although I try to sneak that in there every once in a while, I’m not sure he gets it. So, why not post for the world to see?

I’m letting you know, ever so publicly, that you truly mean the world to me and I am so grateful to God for reconnecting us. There has not been one day that has passed that I am not aware that there is a reason and purpose for you being such a strong presence in my life – and I am beyond blessed for that. You are a wonderful human being, a wonderful man, son, brother, husband, father and friend.  I hope you know and believe that.  It’s something you should be told often and by many.  I am also fully aware that you are gonna have at me with this, telling me how sensitive I am – that’s fine – I can take it. 🙂

For everyone else who reads this, my advice to you is to let the wonderful people in your life know what they mean to you – whether it be a friend or family or someone you only know on social media. If they make you feel wonderful…let them know and reciprocate.

Have a Wonderful Wednesday!