Tag Archive | happiness

Goals

goals

It has been close to 30 years since I was first struck by the man who would become my husband. After numerous brutal beatings, three children, non-stop threats of murder if I dare leave, in addition to my own prayers for my life to end so I could be free of the abuse…somehow, I survived.

The depth of my fear, fueled by my hate, gave me a pinpointed focus to raise my children and upon the last turning 18… get the hell out! Well, that time is upon me.

I’ve been counting down the days for way longer than I can remember.  Once they became a realistic number, I thought to myself… this is about to get real.  FAST!  Then before I knew it, the days went from 365 to less than half of that number, to within the same calender year and now… mere weeks.  Now, mental preparation.

There is still so much to get done before I go.  Loose ends to tie up.  People I want to explain my inevitable absence to.  And then there is my family.  I allowed my sister and mother to enter into my secret life and read my blog.  When they had a full understanding of my life thus far they seemed genuinely distressed over what I had been through.  My parents had only known about one episode early on but I did a good enough job hiding the life I endured that they had no idea it continued, most especially not for 25+ years.

Since absorbing that I most definitely do intend to go through with my exit plan, my mother and sister seem (to me) to be more concerned about what they need to do to protect themselves than they are about anything I will be going though.  The words, “how can we help” have yet to be spoken.  As these last days are closing in, these words, or lack thereof, have shaken me.  Although I do have friends that have offered their help, I can’t help but feel very much alone.  I’ve been taken back to a mental state where I need to fend for myself, and fear has kicked in.  Worst of all, every specific I had planned for this exit, I now feel unsure about.  I’m second guessing, feeling anxious and deciding whether or not I need to make changes.

On another note, I work from home.  I guess that being helpful or hurtful is up for debate but the point is, I work.  And I do so for many hours a day.  Yet, like many, many others, I live from check to check.  I have been able to put some money to the side for this event.  However, I did not start doing so until the end date was too close for comfort realizing I was broke.  So yeah, my resolution…save something…anything!  I am very much aware that is not nearly enough.  This has added panic on to every other emotion I’m feeling.

How the hell, where the hell, what the hell…am I going to do?  I do not like borrowing.  I’ve had to in the past and it’s just so uneasy for me.  I know I’m not the only one that feels that way.  Unrelated to financial issues, when asking for help – on any level – I’ve been let down more often than not.  So even being here right now, asking, begging, is surreal.  This is so uncomfortable and I apologize for even attempting to have the audacity to think anyone….everyone… doesn’t have a million other things more important to donate money to than me.

I am not even close to a special case.  There are so many of us.  Abuse victims.  And although I haven’t felt like a “victim” for a long time – due to my abuser’s very painful rheumatoid arthritis (lucky me) – Now, I am just a victim of my own poor financial planning.  I don’t even know where to start in asking people to donate, or what an appropriate amount is to ask for.  All I can think of is that if I can afford to pay rent for at least six months, then maybe I can be less stressed about the initial “hiding” period.  My son will be with me and I am not going to be ready for either one of us to be out and about, at least not for the first month or so.  I need to make sure we are completely safe.

This is going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever pulled off.  If there is just one aspect of it that I don’t have to worry over, I would be beyond appreciative.  Once I am fully free, paying it forward will be in using my voice and being as loud as possible for those of us that are still in hiding.  It has been 30 years since I was abused by someone who claimed to love me, and it is clear that this epidemic is far from over.  It’s not even close to ending with me; there are so many others out there.  Every anonymous account needs a voice.  A new fight I look forward to getting into head on.

For those of you who find it in your heart to donate anything to me… I thank you in advance and will be forever grateful.  If you are unable to donate, please share this on your social media.  XOXO

Click here to read my full story.

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I’m Not Dead

Every once in a while the numbers game takes a toll on me.  I guess because of my last post (Silver Anniversary), that daunting number – 25 years – has been lingering in my head.  When thinking back over all that time, bits and pieces of memories make their way to the front of my mind.  And sometimes, I can clearly remember moments when I thought I’d never make it this far.

I’m not really sure how long after I made the decision to stay did I think about my own mortality.  I don’t think it was an immediate thought, in respect to when the abuse started, because in the very early stages, as I’ve said before, there was always a logical reason.  So I don’t think I feared for my life at the very beginning.  It may very well have been the first time he clenched a knife in his fist holding it up in the air above me, ready to plunge it wherever he needed to for me to learn my lesson.  If not then – maybe it was when he pulled a gun on me for the first time.  Supposedly, unloaded but how many times have “unloaded” guns killed someone?

There were times over the first five years, before having my second child that I thought who am I kidding…I’m never going to see this kid make 18.  It was something I would think about, panic about, grieve about and then push down deep inside and move on.  With my second pregnancy I was so depressed.  I really couldn’t believe I was going to be stuck for 5 years extra.  This may have been the time frame in which I became determined to survive.  At all cost, I needed to make it out of this hell.

Of course, there were many, many times when I lay there crying after an incident and prayed for God to take me.  Please, please…just let me die.  I would go through phases of just giving up.  Who cares?  People die everyday.  Their kids and families are left behind along with everything they worried about while they were alive and you know what…life goes one.  People mourn them and then get back to life.  There were times I didn’t care if that turned out to be my story.  But there was something else going on.  Nothing that I really noticed until I was far past those dark days.

I’m not really sure how to explain it.  In a simple term…I survived.  I just kept going.  I sucked it up…took each day as it came and kept going.  I’m not sure how and I’m not sure why.  It just happened.  And each year that passed was tallied quietly in my mind.  I’d think, oh my God, I’m doing it.  I’m gonna see these kids to 18 and then get the hell out.  On my own, on their own, on his own.  Done.  Then…bam.  Kid #3.  Geez, I could not catch a break.  Although, strangely enough, with no birth control my kids are all 5 years apart.  So bizarre.  I always wanted to have kids close in age so they’d be close with each other but this way seemed to work out for me well because as one started school full time, I was home with the baby while he was at work.  So there was silence and bonding.  Maybe that was all part of the bigger picture.

Moving forward…over the years my emotions would ping pong back and forth with deciding on jail, praying for death (his or mine), or being plagued with the fear of actually never making it out.  However, now that I have made it all the way to the end – even more so after coming to terms with and purging my secret life of abuse – I sometimes still wonder why…I’m not dead.  It actually amazes me…makes me wonder why.  What is so special about me?  Was I supposed to tell this story?  Are my kids going to play some important role in the future?  I can’t even grasp on to what it could be.  I’m just amazed that – even though I burdened myself with this timeline – that I have come within reach of it.  It’s not to say I don’t have my days when I still want to just give up but as a friend of mine said to me…”You’re 3 feet from gold…don’t stop now.

So, I continue to forge ahead.

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To read from the beginning… my story starts here.

18 Days

Ugh…18 days!!  I can’t believe I have gone so long without a post.  Believe me, this was never intended.  Most especially because I know when writing about this topic going MIA sends people into a frenzy.  I myself have gone into a panic checking on people I hadn’t heard from in a while so I know how it goes.  If I had any of you concerned, my apologies.

Quite a few things have gone on since my last post (nope, still here) and it all has had my head in a tailspin.  My mind was on overload and I could barely form a thought let alone post something semi comprehensible.  Last I left off was midway through my Sweet Heart Series, which I fully intended to carry on until Valentine’s Day.  However, I had weekend plans that took me out of state.  A surprise party.

I had known about the possibility of this party since September – on my last weekend visit to my dear friend – let’s give him a name already or at least an initial – R.  There ya go.  So R is basically my consigliere, my guru, my confidant…my virtual bestie if you will.  Being as he works 99% of the time and most conversations are via text.  But when I have a problem, he’s there.  This is my friend who I have mentioned throughout this blog.  At first, the only one who knew of said blog.

Anyway, his wife mentioned throwing him a surprise party when my ex and I had gone there in September.  I knew it would be highly unlikely that I would be able to make another trip out of state “alone”.  Usually, if I go visit family I will take one of my kids with me and there is never an issue.  When the mention of the party came around again I knew I had to be there.  So, I came up with a story and a travel companion and although there was some huffing and puffing, luckily there was no issue on me actually going.  I was able to get out and go be part of my friend’s surprise.

As luck would have it, I knew someone who was going to the same party.  Someone who just happened to need a ride.  Someone who was looking forward to spending the weekend with me.  Yeah, my ex.

Since our last visit (The Flip Side), we had spoke of the possibility of a follow-up trip.  We were both so relaxed the last time.  It was a really good visit.  This time we were a little concerned about extra people that might be there.  I gave him the option that if he was at all uneasy about being there “together” and others seeing and knowing then I would not go.  He is like a brother to our friend and his presence trumped mine and I would have gladly forfeited if it meant our stay would be less than perfect.

It ended up that the other couple we knew going we both trust.  The husband being someone my ex grew up with and someone I have known nearly since birth.  I had worked with his wife in the past and so I was fine with being there with the two of them, both of us were.  So we went.  Our friend was so shocked and surprised, not only at his party but that we came back — together.

Another perfect two days…relaxed, peaceful, content…just as it should have been all these years.  Which did come up a couple of times.  This was how our lives would have been if we had stayed together from the start.  Comfortable and natural…and a lot of smiling.  Makes me believe that happiness is definitely a possibility in the future.

Of course, coming home is always the let down.  Dropping him off makes me sad.  Walking in my front door…depressing.  The week following was pretty much me spiraling into sadness and depression because of feeling so at peace with my ex yet still living this reality.  Rethinking all of the little things that were said and done while we were away.  There were moments when I contemplated not coming home at all.

I’ve made quick decisions like that in my youth.  Got mad at my parents and stayed out all night….or at least until they made enough calls to find me and come drag me out of wherever I was.  As much as my heart wants to do the same thing now, I know I have to play this out smart.  I have to plan and be prepared in order to get out in one piece and stay that way.  The more I keep things calm here the more I think I can plant seeds – unknowingly – in preparation.  If I use my head and play it smart I think in the end there will be less of a roar and more of a whimper.  We’ll see.

Time always flies when you’re not counting the days but when you’re watching the clock…how slow it goes.

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To read from the beginning… my story starts here.

 

Not Just Wishful Thinking

Today I was read by a psychic medium.

It wasn’t the first time.  The first time was at least 15 years ago and that guy read pictures and told things about what was going to happen and insanely enough…he was right on about everything he said.  Even the stuff that seemed bizarre … happened.

As for today’s reading, it was a wonderful confirmation of things that I have been hoping and praying for.  Things that I am working on and prepping for and that needed validation.

First of all, it was last minute.  I had no idea I was going so there was no prep time for him to research who I was and to feed me some crap that he could find out online.  Nope.  It was nothing like that.  He started off by telling me something that happened to my stepfather last week.  Something no one knows.  Good start.

He moved on to tell me that my maternal grandmother was present and that even though I had never met her (she died 8 days before I was born), she has been with me my whole life.  And that she was very sharp tongued and blunt when she said…my husband was dead weight.  Lol…can you imagine?

He said to me, “You are working alone in that marriage.  You take care of everything.  It’s almost as if he feels he has earned or is entitled to sitting back and you taking care of it all.  You work, you make sure everything is okay with the kids and you take care of the house.  And he does nothing.”

Continuing on he said, “Even for Christmas you did everything.  And he didn’t do a single thing and didn’t worry about it because he knew you’d take care of it.”  Now let me elaborate on how true this is…I bought the (6ft. real) tree…brought it home…put it in the stand…decorated it…decorated the front window and the house…bought ALL of the gifts and wrapped everything, etc.  Luckily, the kids and I were blessed that he had to work Christmas day.  Best gift we’ve gotten in a long time!  Point being…the medium was, yet again, correct.

He continued on to tell me how everything is going to be okay…and that there is happiness in my future.  He confirmed that once my son graduates high school the opportunity will present itself and when it does, leave.  He said, “Do not worry.  You have sacrificed your happiness for the sake of your kids for all these years.  Now it is your time.”

He told me how my marriage was solely meant for my children and nothing else.  Which is something I have said before.  I have felt for a long time my kids were a part of God’s plan and that was why I ended up with my husband.  He also brought up my Ex and confirmed things about him and about us that I already knew to be true.  So that was comforting to hear.

My grandmother had a few more choice words to say about my husband.  I believe he may have picked up on the abuse but possibly didn’t want to go there being as we only had a limited amount of time.  He also hit on other areas of my life that were very accurate. One of them being, “I don’t mean to be rude but your sex life sucks”. (As discussed in Let’s Talk About Sex so we know that’s accurate!)

There was a group of people to see him and not one of us left him without tears in our eyes.  Even the men that got a reading came back crying.  The one thing that I find strange is…he asked all the others except for me and my friend who was hosting the gathering if they had any questions for him.  He didn’t ask me that.  He straight out told me…”when you need me…call me.”  That’s the only thing I find a little creepy.

Otherwise…it was great validation to know that I am on the right path to my exit from this life.  Everything I have been feeling and been aware of for all these years seems to be accurate.  I didn’t really question my own judgment in the first place but it is comforting to know that this is something the universe is confirming and that it’s…not just wishful thinking.

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To read from the beginning… my story starts here.