Tag Archive | health

Goals

goals

It has been close to 30 years since I was first struck by the man who would become my husband. After numerous brutal beatings, three children, non-stop threats of murder if I dare leave, in addition to my own prayers for my life to end so I could be free of the abuse…somehow, I survived.

The depth of my fear, fueled by my hate, gave me a pinpointed focus to raise my children and upon the last turning 18… get the hell out! Well, that time is upon me.

I’ve been counting down the days for way longer than I can remember.  Once they became a realistic number, I thought to myself… this is about to get real.  FAST!  Then before I knew it, the days went from 365 to less than half of that number, to within the same calender year and now… mere weeks.  Now, mental preparation.

There is still so much to get done before I go.  Loose ends to tie up.  People I want to explain my inevitable absence to.  And then there is my family.  I allowed my sister and mother to enter into my secret life and read my blog.  When they had a full understanding of my life thus far they seemed genuinely distressed over what I had been through.  My parents had only known about one episode early on but I did a good enough job hiding the life I endured that they had no idea it continued, most especially not for 25+ years.

Since absorbing that I most definitely do intend to go through with my exit plan, my mother and sister seem (to me) to be more concerned about what they need to do to protect themselves than they are about anything I will be going though.  The words, “how can we help” have yet to be spoken.  As these last days are closing in, these words, or lack thereof, have shaken me.  Although I do have friends that have offered their help, I can’t help but feel very much alone.  I’ve been taken back to a mental state where I need to fend for myself, and fear has kicked in.  Worst of all, every specific I had planned for this exit, I now feel unsure about.  I’m second guessing, feeling anxious and deciding whether or not I need to make changes.

On another note, I work from home.  I guess that being helpful or hurtful is up for debate but the point is, I work.  And I do so for many hours a day.  Yet, like many, many others, I live from check to check.  I have been able to put some money to the side for this event.  However, I did not start doing so until the end date was too close for comfort realizing I was broke.  So yeah, my resolution…save something…anything!  I am very much aware that is not nearly enough.  This has added panic on to every other emotion I’m feeling.

How the hell, where the hell, what the hell…am I going to do?  I do not like borrowing.  I’ve had to in the past and it’s just so uneasy for me.  I know I’m not the only one that feels that way.  Unrelated to financial issues, when asking for help – on any level – I’ve been let down more often than not.  So even being here right now, asking, begging, is surreal.  This is so uncomfortable and I apologize for even attempting to have the audacity to think anyone….everyone… doesn’t have a million other things more important to donate money to than me.

I am not even close to a special case.  There are so many of us.  Abuse victims.  And although I haven’t felt like a “victim” for a long time – due to my abuser’s very painful rheumatoid arthritis (lucky me) – Now, I am just a victim of my own poor financial planning.  I don’t even know where to start in asking people to donate, or what an appropriate amount is to ask for.  All I can think of is that if I can afford to pay rent for at least six months, then maybe I can be less stressed about the initial “hiding” period.  My son will be with me and I am not going to be ready for either one of us to be out and about, at least not for the first month or so.  I need to make sure we are completely safe.

This is going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever pulled off.  If there is just one aspect of it that I don’t have to worry over, I would be beyond appreciative.  Once I am fully free, paying it forward will be in using my voice and being as loud as possible for those of us that are still in hiding.  It has been 30 years since I was abused by someone who claimed to love me, and it is clear that this epidemic is far from over.  It’s not even close to ending with me; there are so many others out there.  Every anonymous account needs a voice.  A new fight I look forward to getting into head on.

For those of you who find it in your heart to donate anything to me… I thank you in advance and will be forever grateful.  If you are unable to donate, please share this on your social media.  XOXO

Click here to read my full story.

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Off The Cuff

fullsizerender

As much as I knew I would be here…today, the thoughts of what I want to say and need to say are jumping around like the bubbles in last night’s champagne.  So, in keeping it simple, I’ll just say…Happy New Year!  It’s the long awaited and eagerly anticipated 2017.

I haven’t been here in so long, not for any horrifying or unsettling reasons.  More so for a necessary mental respite from spewing the facts of my life.  As much as it was good for my soul and my growth, it also felt like it became an overwhelming (self inflicted) responsibility.  One I was semi prepared for yet not close to ready to take on.

Aside from the basics of my story, those specific details which have been dormant for a long time, there were a slew of other things – detached from the topic – that were going on simultaneously.  I needed to concentrate on those things without feeling guilty for not being present, with you.

Now that everything else I was dealing with is under control, I feel like I can come back and start teething again on this blog.  For those here that I got to know well, rest assured I’m safe.  It’s only day one of 2017, but I’m looking at it’s entirety in the palm of my hand and I’m bursting with excitement.

Health & Happiness to all of you this year and always.

XOXO

Sweet Heart Series: Day 7

I must say…this is exhausting!  Even though I’m not blogging a piece of my personal story on a daily basis, deciding on which posts I want to shine a spotlight on is not an easy decision.  I have read SO MANY good stories in such a wide variety of subjects.  Being as my personal blog is at times a pretty depressing subject (to say the least) there are moments when all I need is HUMOR.  Luckily, this chick can tell one heck of a story, not to mention draw one mean stick figure!  Enjoy…

This one was posted by: Becky Says Things

Listener, you have before you a virtuous Becky. A wholesome Becky, a saintly Becky. A Becky so pure, so unsullied by evil, that I wouldn’t be surprised if you feel a trifle overwhelmed. I feel a little overwhelmed at myself.

Yes, most admiring Listener, I have given up booze for an entire month. I have been on the sobriety wagon for the whole of November. Not a drop of alcohol has touched my lips, tickled my nasal hairs, or been dribbled down my chin. I am, to quote my good friend Mary Poppins, practically perfect in every way.

Continue reading here… Becky says things about … giving up booze for a month

Sweet Heart Series: Day 5

Let me be clear…not everything I read has to do with abuse.  It’s just that when I started on WordPress that was the topic I was writing about and it was the topic I needed to read in order to find my way.

Beyond that joyful topic is so much more.  I love reading your poetry, and your hysterical hijinx in the work place, as well as the inspirational posts and not for nothing…there is some nice erotic fiction on here. Haha!  Hey…I’m being honest.

Today I wanted to share a post that really resonated with me.  Made me rethink and change my way of speaking.  You see, I have a few friends who are all about positivity.  Being grateful for everything they have is just second nature to them.  Even if things don’t always go their way for some reason they take it with a grain of salt and understanding that maybe something better is ahead.  I’ve taken notice that this attitude has worked for them and that what they wish for others was returned to them.  So when I read this post it wasn’t something foreign to me.  It really made sense.

I started to change the words I used and after a while I didn’t have to stay on top of what I said…it came naturally.  For those of you who have followed me since the inception of this blog, you may have noticed there has been a change.  Many of you have commented on the growth you have seen.  I truly appreciate that and it would be remiss of me not to pass this post on, as I feel it was a true turning point in my way of thinking.

This one was posted by: The I Am

Like so many other people, I have a list of words that I try very hard not to use. For the most part, they’re easy to avoid. One word that takes more concentration than others on my list is “hope.” *

I’ve looked for synonyms, but none really satisfy the requirements of this single, simple word. So, I fall back on the good ole’ standby, “trust.” As in, “I trust you had a good time.”

But why do I avoid “hope?”

In my thoughts on anything, I try to always think positively. I want to manifest this and that and to do so requires a constant flow of positive thoughts. And “hope,” I’ve determined, is not as positive as I’d like it to be.

Continue reading here… There is no Hope