Tag Archive | inspiration

Goals

goals

It has been close to 30 years since I was first struck by the man who would become my husband. After numerous brutal beatings, three children, non-stop threats of murder if I dare leave, in addition to my own prayers for my life to end so I could be free of the abuse…somehow, I survived.

The depth of my fear, fueled by my hate, gave me a pinpointed focus to raise my children and upon the last turning 18… get the hell out! Well, that time is upon me.

I’ve been counting down the days for way longer than I can remember.  Once they became a realistic number, I thought to myself… this is about to get real.  FAST!  Then before I knew it, the days went from 365 to less than half of that number, to within the same calender year and now… mere weeks.  Now, mental preparation.

There is still so much to get done before I go.  Loose ends to tie up.  People I want to explain my inevitable absence to.  And then there is my family.  I allowed my sister and mother to enter into my secret life and read my blog.  When they had a full understanding of my life thus far they seemed genuinely distressed over what I had been through.  My parents had only known about one episode early on but I did a good enough job hiding the life I endured that they had no idea it continued, most especially not for 25+ years.

Since absorbing that I most definitely do intend to go through with my exit plan, my mother and sister seem (to me) to be more concerned about what they need to do to protect themselves than they are about anything I will be going though.  The words, “how can we help” have yet to be spoken.  As these last days are closing in, these words, or lack thereof, have shaken me.  Although I do have friends that have offered their help, I can’t help but feel very much alone.  I’ve been taken back to a mental state where I need to fend for myself, and fear has kicked in.  Worst of all, every specific I had planned for this exit, I now feel unsure about.  I’m second guessing, feeling anxious and deciding whether or not I need to make changes.

On another note, I work from home.  I guess that being helpful or hurtful is up for debate but the point is, I work.  And I do so for many hours a day.  Yet, like many, many others, I live from check to check.  I have been able to put some money to the side for this event.  However, I did not start doing so until the end date was too close for comfort realizing I was broke.  So yeah, my resolution…save something…anything!  I am very much aware that is not nearly enough.  This has added panic on to every other emotion I’m feeling.

How the hell, where the hell, what the hell…am I going to do?  I do not like borrowing.  I’ve had to in the past and it’s just so uneasy for me.  I know I’m not the only one that feels that way.  Unrelated to financial issues, when asking for help – on any level – I’ve been let down more often than not.  So even being here right now, asking, begging, is surreal.  This is so uncomfortable and I apologize for even attempting to have the audacity to think anyone….everyone… doesn’t have a million other things more important to donate money to than me.

I am not even close to a special case.  There are so many of us.  Abuse victims.  And although I haven’t felt like a “victim” for a long time – due to my abuser’s very painful rheumatoid arthritis (lucky me) – Now, I am just a victim of my own poor financial planning.  I don’t even know where to start in asking people to donate, or what an appropriate amount is to ask for.  All I can think of is that if I can afford to pay rent for at least six months, then maybe I can be less stressed about the initial “hiding” period.  My son will be with me and I am not going to be ready for either one of us to be out and about, at least not for the first month or so.  I need to make sure we are completely safe.

This is going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever pulled off.  If there is just one aspect of it that I don’t have to worry over, I would be beyond appreciative.  Once I am fully free, paying it forward will be in using my voice and being as loud as possible for those of us that are still in hiding.  It has been 30 years since I was abused by someone who claimed to love me, and it is clear that this epidemic is far from over.  It’s not even close to ending with me; there are so many others out there.  Every anonymous account needs a voice.  A new fight I look forward to getting into head on.

For those of you who find it in your heart to donate anything to me… I thank you in advance and will be forever grateful.  If you are unable to donate, please share this on your social media.  XOXO

Click here to read my full story.

Off The Cuff

fullsizerender

As much as I knew I would be here…today, the thoughts of what I want to say and need to say are jumping around like the bubbles in last night’s champagne.  So, in keeping it simple, I’ll just say…Happy New Year!  It’s the long awaited and eagerly anticipated 2017.

I haven’t been here in so long, not for any horrifying or unsettling reasons.  More so for a necessary mental respite from spewing the facts of my life.  As much as it was good for my soul and my growth, it also felt like it became an overwhelming (self inflicted) responsibility.  One I was semi prepared for yet not close to ready to take on.

Aside from the basics of my story, those specific details which have been dormant for a long time, there were a slew of other things – detached from the topic – that were going on simultaneously.  I needed to concentrate on those things without feeling guilty for not being present, with you.

Now that everything else I was dealing with is under control, I feel like I can come back and start teething again on this blog.  For those here that I got to know well, rest assured I’m safe.  It’s only day one of 2017, but I’m looking at it’s entirety in the palm of my hand and I’m bursting with excitement.

Health & Happiness to all of you this year and always.

XOXO

Losing Oneself

Ronovan Writes Weekly Haiku Prompt Challenge #48

Prompt Words: Inspire & Loss

This prompt made me think of how people can lose themselves to so many things in life. Drugs, alcohol, gambling, and yes…even an abusive relationship.  Sometimes the smallest thing can become the inspiration that person needs. A pivotal moment in time to help them gain the perspective needed to turn it all around and find their real selves again.  For me it was blogging.  Writing about all I have endured has helped tremendously in the healing process.

No matter the loss, you can find inspiration.
You can find inspiration, and gain perspective.

Opposing themes: loss and gain.