What about me?

Here I am.  A wife and a mother, among other things, and at the very least – a grown woman.  Still married to a verbal, emotional and these days (only) an occasional physical abuser.  He is nothing but a mental terrorist waiting for my brain to explode.  I know what you’re thinking.  Why am I still here?  My sole reason for being here this long…I have kids.  And although that should have been more of an incentive to get out – I didn’t.  I chose to wait until my kids got to an age where they could get out on their own.  When I wouldn’t have to drag them into hiding or have the state take them.   Two down, one to go.  Yes, over the years I have sacrificed and suffered, as have they.  But now I can see the finish line.  I am in training for the biggest day of my life….the first day of the rest of my life.

The time is near.

93 Comments

93 thoughts on “What about me?

  1. hey! like the dipship i can be at times, i did not put 2 and 2 together and figure out a) you had a blog of your own (which i now follow), and 2) that your tag line is the story of your life. let me say with all honesty, i hurt like hell for you, and when you make the final break, i will be there at the finish line, cheering you on. i feel so helpless, and can do little more than hope and think often of you. i am on my second marriage to the sweetest woman i know, who is a survivor of sexual and emotional abuse from her stepfather (poor bastard just died, thus saving me the cost of a bullet i wanted to put in his brain), and as a physically and emotionally abused spouse of every other relationship she was in until she met me. i’m certainly not the perfect husband, and things aren’t always roses, but i take great pride in being the first person in her life that has not abused her and with whom she can fully be herself. thus, i have great sympathy for you and will keep you front and center in my mind and heart as you find your way out of hell. also, thank you for viewing and liking some of my writing. i know it betrays my shifting morals, but i really am true to my old gal, and i hope you continue to find things that speak to you. peace and dreams, bob

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    • Seriously….tears. I have to say I am a guys girl and of course those friendships ended with my marriage (due to extreme jealousy…shocking, I know) but the male friendships I have been able to maintain (secretly of course) which quite literally are only two (one being my ex) have kept my heart at peace knowing that not all men are like this. So I do not take your words lightly. It means a lot that as a man you took the time to read my words and that you decided to reach out and speak to me and relate your wife’s story. Thank you. And thank you for breaking her cycle of abuse. She is lucky to have found a life where she won’t be hurt again. I look forward to that day. I know it is coming. I have a little more time to do but that’s okay, my rewards will be great. I take one day at a time which is all I can do. Thank you for following my blog and no joke…I so totally appreciate you reaching out. Thank you!

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      • i hear you sister. even after i divorced after many years of marriage, which had been good for many years, i discovered how much of myself was buried that i’d not had a chance to get to know and live. you will be surprised to find that there is so much more of you to discovered than you even believe possible. i am all for you and can’t wait to see how you become who your truly are to be. peace and best wishes to you. in the meantime, stay safe.. bob

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  2. Oh, don’t wait. You don’t wanna teach your kids that is what love and relationships look like, do you? There are so many resources for women starting new lives – it’s not like the Bad Ole Days. You and your children are too precious to risk further harm. I know, it’s sort of a guy thing to come up with all these solutions…Just saying.From a less guy-based viewpoint, I feel you, sister. I send you my blessings, love, and prayers. Be well. : )

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  3. I’m a year out of an emotionally/ verbally abusive relationship and going through the dreaded let’s fight for divorce stage. It has not been an easy year. He lives with our two children; a 20 yo. girl and a 17 yo. boy. I often felt I’d suffer until the kids were old enough to be independent. Whether or not it was the right thing to do, honestly I didn’t reach that point of ‘this is futile’ until they were 19 & 16 years old. Before that I really hoped if “x” happened, things would get better. If only I did this, he would be happy, finally. Now that I am a year out of a 20 year marriage I can see, I should have left the man when the kids were babies. Then again, my legs were wobbly and I didn’t have the self confidence like I do now that I could actually be independent of him. The kids either way would have suffered as well, IMO. {{hugs}} to you on your journey. You are not alone, unfortunately.

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    • Thank you for reaching out and telling me your story. Some days I wonder what would have went on if I left immediately. I’m not sure I could have handled having to deal with him and trusting him with our daughter if there were visitation issues, etc. I was young and unsure and trusted way too much in his looming “promises”. My last one just turned 14 and now that I can see the end is near I don’t want to wait. But I know I have to have everything in order and do it the right way or I will be dealing with him in ways I have been avoiding all this time. I’m glad you’re out. Sadly, you are right…we are not alone.

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      • Me too. I am hoping for a happy ending to mine too. I understand your bravery. Sometimes it is better to stay than to divorce and be forced to relinquish your child every other weekend unsupervised to a bitter x spouse. At least if you stay you have some control.

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      • I had to do what I felt was the lesser of two evils. It was not the best scenario but if I had taken the children things would have been a lot worse. Maybe ended already with a blurb in the local newspaper. We each have to work it out the best we can. Best of luck to you. Stay safe and know…we’re not alone.

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  4. I have only begun to read your story, but already, I am in tears for you. I got out and you should and can too. DO NOT stay fro the sake of the kids as my mom did. It ruined my relationships and kids would do better in a one-parent, loving home than one in turmoil. If you read my post on my blog called: “Here I grow Again Changes” You will see I am looking for people to tell their story on my blog too and what our goal to help others is. I want to help men and women like you or anyone else trying to make a change in their life for the better. Come tell your story and keep telling it here! We will be turning stories into a book to help fund the Charity to help others and you should write a book of your own yourself. Keep writing, it helped me, and I am sure it helps you. Much love and blessing/prayers your way, Chrisssy

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    • Thank you for stopping by and reading. I have every intention on getting out and I have to say starting this blog has helped fuel that exit so much more. Writing has always been such a release for me and I am grateful to have come in contact with others who are writing their story as well. I am in the process of turning my story into a novel with a happy, beautiful ending. I will check out your page and add to your collection. God Bless.

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  5. hey, hadn’t hear from you in a minute. just wanted to see that you are ok. keeping you in deepest thoughts for your health, safety, and soul. bob

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  6. Hello friend!
    Thanks for the following and I am looking forward to our friendship as I follow your life’s writings. I commend you on your sacrifice and don’t judge your reasoning. You know why you chose your path and how it will be accomplished. Your children are blessed to have you. Being able to speak about abuse, is a step closer to reclaiming your life. It took me years and lots of patience, to have my friend speak freely. Healing is a long journey, I will hold her hand, listen and support her and you too. May God watch over you and give you strength. Lulu

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  7. Pingback: What about me? | lulupoetrycorner

  8. Thank you for the follow on Kerr Chronicles. I look forward to getting to know you and reading more on your site. I look forward to hearing of your escape, freedom and peace of mind. Keep your head up and your heart open to awaits you in your future.

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  9. I want you to know that you are not alone. I escaped my abusive ex 11 years ago. I lived through childhood sexual, physical and mental abuse for years at the hands of my own father. Unfortunately chose a man just like my father to marry and spent 10 years in sheer terror. It took A LOT for me to build up to the escape, but I’m so glad that I did. My daughter was 9 years old when I left her father. Shortly thereafter, my best friend, Erik, and I fell in love and we’ve been married for 8 years. Erik is kind, sweet, romantic, caring, tender and just amazing! I now live in peace and tranquility. And even though the abuse has caused permanent, degenerative spinal, nerve and joint issues which have left me in a wheel chair with constant pain, I am still happy. Happy because I’ve lived for 11 years now in absolute peace and love. My daughter is now 20 years old, in college and in a serious relationship with a lovely young man who, amazingly, resembles her step-father Erik in so many ways. I truly, truly do think that getting away from her abusive father when she was still young and choosing better the second time gave my daughter a solid foundation from which to build her own romantic relationship. Every single day this young man shows my daughter how special she is, how much he loves her and how much he treasures her. Best of all, she and I have a very close bond which allows me to help her through all of life’s serious questions and choices. For her I am so glad that I left that abusive situation so long ago. That move helped guide my daughter in more ways than I ever thought possible.

    I truly hope that you do find a way to escape. You DESERVE a good life. Your KIDS deserve a good life. And making an escape plan, with a safe place to hide out, with people to help you get away and stay safe is the key. It makes all the difference and in the end can ensure your safety and your children’s safety.

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    • Thank you for taking the time to tell me about your situation. Before I started writing on WP to be honest I hadn’t thought much about a “plan” just really the running and hiding part of it. I’ve read so many stories of other women who were able to get out and now I see a serious detailed plan needs to be made. That is my next course of action. I’m not in physical danger much any more but when the time comes who knows what it will trigger so I know I need to have all my stuff in order. I’m glad you and your daughter have come to know a better, happier life. Best wishes to you. And thanks for the follow.

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  10. You have to leave on your own time… No one can tell you when or judge you for not leaving now..It’s your life and you will know when the time is right. The only advise I would give is DO NOT LEAVE during a heated argument. Plan the escape methodically and dont let anyone bully you into anything different.
    Becki

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    • Thank you for that Becki. Sometimes I feel like since he’s been (physically) calm for so long that there almost needs to be something big to happen for me to use as an excuse to him. When in reality I know I have 25 years worth of excuses. Logically, I know I need to plan the proper escape. I’m not worried, I trust I will be able to pull this off. No one will bully me into anything ever again. I’m excited for my freedom and that is my guiding force. Thanks again! xx

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  11. I nominated you for the Brave Heart Award. http://avictimsjournal.wordpress.com/2014/03/25/brave-heart-award/ I call you a survivor, because that is what you are. There are days when you don’t feel like a survivor and there are days when the memories trigger your past and it feels like you are losing the fight – but you are not. Take the past and heal with it. You are strong. I want you to know that the abuse was not your fault. It does not matter what age it happened. You did not deserve it, you did not cause it, and you did not bring it on yourself. You own no shame, guilt, or remorse. In your life, you have faced many demons but look around you and you will see there is hope, and there is beauty. You are beautiful, You are loved, there is hope. You deserve to be loved and treated with respect. You deserve peace and joy in your life. Don’t settle for anything less than that. God has plans for you. Your future does not have to be dictated by your past.

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    • Morgan, nominations aside, this comment is one of the best I’ve received throughout my entire time blogging. It was something I needed – right words at the right time. Not that there is any turmoil at the moment but sometimes certain words trigger necessary emotional healing – and this did just that. Thank you doesn’t seem a worthy enough reply but it’s all I can offer. Thank you so much for your kind words. And I truly appreciate the award nominations as well. 🙂

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  14. hello,
    I’m currently a student in high school researching about the cultural and social norms affecting wife battering. I’ve read your blog and I can’t imagine the hardship you’ve been through. You’re an amazing women, having gone through all that abuse and yet still having the strength to share your story. Thank you for that! I was just wondering if you could possibly help me out with my research assignment and complete a survey relating to cultural and social norms affecting wife battering?

    -Thank you!

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    • Thank you for your thoughtfulness. My reasoning is written within this blog. I never say my decisions were the right ones but I have accepted the fact that I was a teenager when I made them. I am more than ready to go and my time is very near. Prayers are always appreciated.

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  15. Thank you for being brave and bold enough to share your life with us, giving us insight into your world and your suffering. You are an inspiration and I hope and pray that you can stay safe and will feel some freedom soon.

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  17. Hey. I am a living breathing example…only, I got out. My ex hit me in the face in front of my daughter, her step-sister and her cousin. But that wasn’t what made me finally leave, if you can believe that. Two things – he smoked pot in front of his 17 yr old daughter and tried to justify it as self-medication – that was the main straw – and then he broke my dishwasher so I would have to hand wash everything because I put a pot on the top shelf of the dishwasher. So stupid, that second one, considering how many holes he put in my walls, floors, windows; he even pushed me through a shower door, kicked my son in the chest for biting his brother and threw a bass guitar through my kids bedroom window because he felt my eldest son wasn’t grateful enough for the things he had been given. I believe that it was a culmination – it didn’t help that just the week before, he pulled up into the driveway intoxicated on prescription meds, vomited on himself; I had to fireman carry him past my kids bedroom without being seen, put him in the shower and strip him and try to revive him. Hard to believe at one time, I truly, deeply loved this man. Overall, I seriously wonder if I had become addicted and desperate to hear him apologize to me for his indiscretions. I am not totally ready to face that yet because I still don’t know. What I do know is that my youngest son is being held hostage between us and I feel like I abandoned him – so if that is remotely close to why you still stay (my best friend stays in her relationship for similar reasons) – I live it and I wonder every day if holding on wouldn’t have been better for him overall. Which tells me there is a FAULT WITH OUR SUPPORT SYSTEM FOR WOMEN IN THIS SITUATION. So I wait as my ex and his new gf build a case to attempt to try to take my son from me. I commute 200 miles a day to share custody (which was the only way I could escape him – no child support requested); but they are now claiming and documenting how tired he is from the commute in the morning. I am just reaching out to either support or encourage – not sure which – feeling lost but on a different path and still just as insecure about it – save that at least when I wake up in the morning, I don’t have to hear his voice right away, I don’t have to make him breakfast or pretend intimacy with him…at least I have that, I guess. Oh, and I can say that I have at least shown my children that it’s not normal to have that type of relationship in their lives…that’s the worst part of hanging on as long as I did…being a living demonstration of acceptance of the abuse so that my children started to learn that behavior was okay. Perhaps, you could take a look from that perspective for a bit. From that angle, all of his craziness now is worth every moment of leaving…

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    • Wow. That’s was an intense read. Thank you for sharing. I’m a little stunned for a response except to say, thank God you got out. I’m glad you are safe and that you do not have to hear his voice. That’s a very big deal. That silence is worth so much. People do not get it. And to answer you’re question, yes my main reason for staying was that I could never do the back and forth with the courts and my kids and all of that nonsense. I would have been in prison for sure, without a doubt. Even though there is absolutely NO justification for it, I can say my kids were never really “eye witnesses” to anything severe. Of course, the arguing is enough and although my kids aren’t stupid – the didn’t have that added trauma of seeing daddy hit mommy. From all that I have read over this past year, I can see mine is a very rare case where my kids have actually flourished from having both parents. That of which he lacks in all areas, I can say he’s always maintained a job and been a provider, concerned about his credit and making sure the kids had what they needed, etc. I also was very active in discussing that his behavior was not the norm and that something was medically and psychologically wrong with him and he refused to go for treatment. As they’ve gotten older, they have very much become my allies (as they always have been) active in cutting him down to size at the slightest attempt at a verbal attack towards me. He can very clearly see that that tables have turned and Karma is slowly creeping up on him. It is now 4 to 1 and he is enjoying playing the victim. Also, I know he is aware of my impending exit. Even last night I had mentioned…your time is almost up…he knew what I meant and said, yeah I know…and referred to my son turning 18. He may not be surprised when it happens but he will be shocked I actually did it.

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  18. …ps…
    Safe deposit box in my name, gift cards purchased during grocery store visits placed in that box and extra jobs I could find on the side for cash were how I escaped. I called one person and had my 16 yr old daughter help me pack and move while he was at a golf outing…it took me almost a year…

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    • I love the gift cards idea. I’ve read about that from numerous other people. I am leery on putting things in my name (safe deposit, etc) because who knows what extent he’ll go to in the end…maybe claiming I’m “missing” and if authorities got involved I wouldn’t want to leave a trail. Although, I know it won’t come to that because my kids, sister and mother will know I left. I’m so glad you’re out. Thank you for sharing your story with me. 🙂

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    • Mind? Why would I mind? For a person who has never been involved in an abusive relationship you took the time to read my entire blog in two days. And cared enough to write a post about it on your own blog. That makes you awesome. A very caring and genuine human being. I appreciate the gesture, and thank you very much. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  25. You are stronger than you think you are and I am keeping you and your children in my prayers. I pray that the two that are no longer living at home will find healing from the turmoil they have witnessed and be able to have loving relationships in their futures. My prayer for you and the child still at home with you, is that you are safe, that you have faith and know that are worthy of love, respect and that better days are ahead for you…you just have to BELIEVE.

    Liked by 1 person

  26. I found your blog this morning. I really needed it i live in a simliar situation and am currently looking for hope. I live with an alcoholic who has narcissistic tendencies i think i may be codependent i have 4 children and no way out i stay to protect my kids but last night i was told i need to leave and now my brain is mush! My kids are a mess and i am so mad at myself for never leaving. He has me over a barrel im afraid i have nothing i own nothing. I am scared but glad i found someone who understands what it is like to fear your kids being with someone like this. It has kept me cemented in place for 16 yrs.

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    • Please let me know if you are safe. I took an extended break from blogging but I am starting back today. I’m just seeing your message. I pray you are well. xo

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