Human Shield

Memories pop in and out of my head all the time.  As if playing a game of tag with my consciousness.  Sometimes they fade as quickly as they come in.  Other times they linger and make me ponder and replay scenarios over and over.  Of course, this never happens at a convenient time.  Either I’m in the middle of working and need to concentrate, but my brain has other plans and decides to hijack my thoughts, or I’m exhausted from the day and just want to sleep but can’t because now I’m thinking.

This is what happened last night. So bizarre how our brains work. It’s a never ending game of word association…or actually, thought association.  Layer after layer of one thought linking to another.  All I wanted to do was sleep when I started thinking about what I have going on this weekend and boom, I’m back there.  Not sure why.  When they say everything happens for a reason, does it also mean your thoughts too?  Is this a post I was supposed to write? In all honesty, I have been meaning to write about this.

As part of my self-healing process, I had began meditating a while ago. Almost immediately, I started becoming very aware of things. Things from the past. Unexpectedly, meditation was cleaning the dirty windows in my mind and I was able to get a good look inside. And here I thought it was going to be all about peace and tranquility. Ha!  I remember all of a sudden understanding why I made certain decisions that I did.  Just like that, clarity.

In the early days of my situation, while I was still dating my abuser, there had been incidents that happened outside.  He usually didn’t do anything in front of a crowd, since obviously his behavior was a secret.  Although, that doesn’t necessarily mean people didn’t see what was happening.  Could they have been walking by and thought we were just rolling around in the grass lovingly?  I guess.  Although, being punched and strangled doesn’t fall into the same category, maybe they blinked during the more aggressive and less loving moments.  Regardless, I’m sure some people saw and knew just what was happening.  Even more so than I did at the time.

I remember telling my Ex once, that if he ever saw anything going on NOT to approach the situation.  My abuser always, carried a knife on him.  And he was never afraid to use it.  In fact, I think using it turned him on just a little.  Maybe even a lot.  My fear was deep and I was scared to death that if anyone I knew approached him in the heat of battle he would use it on them. Most especially because when he was in a rage, he was no longer there.  It was something else within him that took over. Almost like he was fighting his own demons. So imagine being in some blackout state and someone approaches you telling you to stop? No.  I was not having him possibly hurt someone I cared about.  Not gonna happen.  Continue hitting.  I got this.

As time went on, after we were married, his threats became more specific.  He now was threatening me with harming family members if I ever attempted to leave.  Once, he made a threat towards my family members who lived out of state. I laughed. What an idiot. He doesn’t even know where they live or how to get there. Really? He clued me in to the map I had hidden in my drawer that he took and made a copy of, which was now safely tucked in his work locker. So yes, now I believed him.  He could get there if he truly wanted to. They never even met him.  Why would I contemplate leaving and possibly have him think I was hiding out of state and go there and hurt my innocent family?  Not gonna happen.  Continue hitting.  I got this.

Easier targets were my immediate family that lived locally. He knew were they all lived.  He made his threats. Always vicious. Always during a heated battle. Always believable. There was never a reason to brush off what he said as -all talk no action- because he was indeed THAT GUY. He only calmed down from what he was known to be once our first child was born.  It’s laughably sad that this life I was living with him, was him…calm. Calmer than what?  Hannibal Lecter?  Hitler?  All I know is, I didn’t want to know.  No need to hoist psychotic threats towards my family because no one is leaving.  Not gonna happen.  Continue hitting.  I got this.

Unaware of my own actions at the time, I had started distancing myself from people.  My friends, my family.  Anyone who he would have the chance to use against me.  Plus, in keeping a distance, I could also keep my secret.  After all these years, only now have I come to realize that I had made myself into a human shield.  In order to protect those I loved, I blocked the threat.  Even if they were only words, I believed him.  So I did what I thought was necessary.  I was young and had never heard someone spew such hateful and vindictive words.  Especially to a person who they claimed to love.  All I knew was, I could handle it.  I could take the pain.  Just leave everyone else alone.

I guess…well, actually, I can’t guess what his tactics were. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, his threats worked. I stayed put. He got his punching bag and dinner on the table too. Eventually though, the verbal threats got closer to home. It now stayed within the home.  He always threatened to kill me. That was a given. The easy go to.  However, on a few occasions, he threatened to kill me and the kids. And of course himself.  But who cares about that if we’re all already dead, right?  Here’s the strange thing.  Although I believed he was capable of these new and improved threats, a mother can’t distance herself from her children.  Now that I’m writing about this…this may actually be the turning point in where I became the one he now fears.

I see your threat and I raise you a…go right the fuck ahead.

Reverse psychology.  It seriously works.  Especially with the weak minded.  This guy is out of his ever loving mind if he thinks he’s going to continue this game. So I one up’d him. Guess what loser, if you kill us no one has to hear your mouth ever again! Helloo…bonus!  Bet you didn’t think of that one.  So I played that card.  At this point in time, he was definitely running out of steam.  He was getting older.  His rheumatoid arthritis was setting in.  And I was halfway to the finish line.  His words no longer frightened me like they once did.  It’s not that he lacked intensity or imagination with what he tossed my way but I was tired of it.

Never did I hold back from speaking my mind over the course of the marriage because it might result in bodily harm.  My armor was strengthened with each blow.  The more that came my way, the more I survived, the more I could take.  Holding my tongue was never an option.  In fact, that may be the one thing that has truly kept me alive all of these years.  Verbal abuse would now work both ways.  It may not be the right thing to do but it got done.  An idiot flinging wild threats every which way eventually bounces off of this human shield.  Being a knowledgeable and calculating user of words has it’s benefits.  Mind games.

Present day. He fears me more than I fear him. My inner Italian Mobster is present daily and he never knows what I’m capable of. I’m partial to the phrase, what goes around comes around and karma is coming to collect.  I enjoy the confused look on his face. He has been playing very nice for a while now as I remind him of the choices he made. For example, he might say to me, I love you. And I’ll say, I’m sorry to hear you have that problem. He’ll say how that hurts his feelings and I’ll say, aww it did…now imagine I said that as I punch you in the head with my knuckles.  He then puts his head down and walks away.

The good news is, he is fully aware that I’m leaving.  I’ve thrown it out there in random conversations almost in a way that seemed as if I misspoke.  He too has brought it up in a matter-of-fact sort of way, saying he knows what I have planned.  In a very non-aggressive manner.  As of late, the bulk of my days have been non-aggressive, thankfully.  So I’m leaning toward the belief that this will be a peaceful exit.  At least until he realizes there will be no return.

Not gonna happen.  Not this time.  I got this.

Infinity House Magazine Interview – Part 2 of 3

“We believe your story has the opportunity of inspiring our readers and even us here…”

In the beginning, there was no way I would have believed anyone if they said that by telling my story I’d be helping others who may be or may have been in the same predicament as I was.  I could not comprehend how that would make sense, especially since I am still here.  I remember the first time someone said to me that…my story inspired her.  I thought to myself, HOW?  WHY?  I DON’T GET IT.  On some level, I still don’t.

Then I think about all of the people who have reached out to me.  Everyone’s kind words, advice, and words of encouragement (even the few negative comments), have made a lasting impression.  All of the stories I’ve read, the stories shared with me about how they left, every word… has touched me in some way.  Men who have told me their stores of verbal and physical abuse have left me speechless.

If telling my story has done that for one person, then I guess it was well worth it.  I didn’t know the effect any of this would have on me but now that I do, I would never trade that feeling.

The Real Reasons I Stay

Many people on reading … would have asked the same thing: why doesn’t she just leave?  Here we explore … exactly why it isn’t that easy…

http://infinityhousemagazine.com/2015/02/04/why-i-stay/

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To read from the beginning… #MyStory starts here.

Infinity House Magazine Interview – Part 1 of 3

“Your story is absolutely incredible…we would love the opportunity to interview you.”

My brain’s response was – Interview who?  ME?  Are these people for real? Is this SPAM?  Why me?  I’m not sure I read that correctly.

Well, it wasn’t SPAM and apparently, they are for real.  The kind people at Infinity House Magazine took the time to read my story and felt that I had something to offer.  Although my story has been discussed thoroughly on this blog, there is something about a Q & A session to really see it from an entirely different perspective.  It’s the same and somehow different.

Upon reading the first installment, I was taken aback as if I was reading another woman’s story.  It was brutally honest and sad on so many different levels.  I was able to see the naivety of my youth fall victim to this unexpected den of abuse.

Real Account of Living With Domestic Violence

Battered Wife Seeking Better Life explains what led her in to a domestically violent relationship and exactly what it’s like. A heartbreaking story but a must read.

http://infinityhousemagazine.com/2015/02/03/domestic-violence-real-account/

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To read from the beginning… #MyStory starts here.

31 Facts in 31 Days – Day 10

Jealousy was the very first trait of abuse I was exposed to by my abuser.  It was severe and I didn’t understand why at the time.  I’ve always been more comfortable around men.  I think I get along better with men because I can be myself,  as women seem to be much more judgmental and catty.   During my teenage years, I had a different type of attention from the guys.  They didn’t all just – want to be “friends”.  So it goes without saying that it was hard for me to maneuver through those years, that are difficult enough trying to figure out who you are as a person, and then on top of that trying to ward off people who only wanted one thing.

Luckily, I had a group of guys I could rely on for friendship.  Whether they felt a certain way or not, it was not discussed, and these friendships remained intact from grade school through high school – that is until I ended up with Mr. Jealousy.  After that, most friendships ended (male & female) and everyone was suspect.  Some guys gave a peck on the cheek hello which made him furious, and he demanded it stop.  Hanging out also stopped.  It was no longer necessary being as my time was now to be exclusive to one person.  As the years went on, any man I spoke to, whether it be at work or at a supermarket, gave way to me being questioned.  Did I ever date them?  Did I ever sleep with them?  Am I currently sleeping with them?  The barrage of questions was never ending. And no answer was believed.

Be warned…what may start off as cute “aw, he’s jealous” will without a doubt turn into a psychotic unrelenting abnormal hail of bullshit.

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Fact Source:  Beauty Cares

Follow them on Twitter.

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To read from the beginning… #MyStory starts here.

31 Facts in 31 Days – Day 8

Today’s post is meant specifically for a friend of mine.  Someone I let in on my secret life earlier this year.  We’ve only known each other for about 10 years which, out of the 6 people I’ve let read my blog, is the shortest relationship of the bunch.  When we met, there was, I think, an instant connection.  A mutual respect, as mothers and as women.  It wasn’t until a few years into knowing each other that we really began talking about our lives.  There are many similarities (except the abuse) that we came to discover about one another and the paths our lives took.  I think this helped nurture our friendship and now I can’t imagine not having her in my life.  I think we’ve both known for quite a while now that our paths were definitely meant to cross.

She is a beautiful and intelligent woman – but even the best of us get duped.

10 signs for spotting a sociopath

#1) Sociopaths are charming. Sociopaths have high charisma and tend to attract a following just because people want to be around them. They have a “glow” about them that attracts people who typically seek guidance or direction. They often appear to be sexy or have a strong sexual attraction. Not all sexy people are sociopaths, obviously, but watch out for over-the-top sexual appetites and weird fetishes.

#2) Sociopaths are more spontaneous and intense than other people. They tend to do bizarre, sometimes erratic things that most regular people wouldn’t do. They are unbound by normal social contracts. Their behavior often seems irrational or extremely risky.

#3) Sociopaths are incapable of feeling shame, guilt or remorse. Their brains simply lack the circuitry to process such emotions. This allows them to betray people, threaten people or harm people without giving it a second thought. They pursue any action that serves their own self interest even if it seriously harms others. This is why you will find many very “successful” sociopaths in high levels of government, in any nation.

#4) Sociopaths invent outrageous lies about their experiences. They wildly exaggerate things to the point of absurdity, but when they describe it to you in a storytelling format, for some reason it sounds believable at the time.

#5) Sociopaths seek to dominate others and “win” at all costs. They hate to lose any argument or fight and will viciously defend their web of lies, even to the point of logical absurdity.

#6) Sociopaths tend to be highly intelligent, but they use their brainpower to deceive others rather than empower them. Their high IQs often makes them dangerous. This is why many of the best-known serial killers who successfully evaded law enforcement were sociopaths.

#7) Sociopaths are incapable of love and are entirely self-serving. They may feign love or compassion in order to get what they want, but they don’t actually FEEL love in the way that you or I do.

#8) Sociopaths speak poetically. They are master wordsmiths, able to deliver a running “stream of consciousness” monologue that is both intriguing and hypnotic. They are expert storytellers and even poets. As a great example of this in action, watch this interview of Charles Manson on YouTube.

#9) Sociopaths never apologize. They are never wrong. They never feel guilt. They can never apologize. Even if shown proof that they were wrong, they will refuse to apologize and instead go on the attack.

#10) Sociopaths are delusional and literally believe that what they say becomes truth merely because they say it! Charles Manson, the sociopathic murderer, is famous for saying, “I’ve never killed anyone! I don’t need to kill anyone! I THINK it! I have it HERE! (Pointing to his temple.) I don’t need to live in this physical realm…”

FACT:  The best way of handling a sociopath is to get them out of your life for good. Do not forgive them for the wrongs they have done to you. Avoid finding a reason to tolerate their company again. This is easier said than done when the sociopath is a family member, or long time friend. You may even miss the sociopath to some extent, even though they have hurt you. Yet if you know a sociopath, the only way of protecting yourself is to avoid them completely, even if it hurts.

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Fact Source:  Natural News

Fact Source:  HubPages

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To read from the beginning… #MyStory starts here.

31 Facts in 31 Days – Day 7

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Fact Source:  Beauty Cares

Follow them on Twitter.

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To read from the beginning… #MyStory starts here.

31 Facts in 31 Days – Day 5

Soon after we started dating, once he was through with the lovey dovey – I can’t live without you and you’re the only one for me – honeymoon phase, he would always be very loud and verbally abusive in public.  I hated going anywhere with him because something would always happen that would cause him to make a scene.  I had two ways of coping with this.  I either acted like he was telling me a story about someone else and I’d have a lighthearted grin and make faces of shock and dismay as if I couldn’t believe what he was telling me or I would act just as pissed off about whatever “story” he was screaming at me.  This way anyone that may be passing and caught only a tiny bit of what he was saying would think he was just a loud talker.

One day, in the very beginning, I accompanied him to a doctor’s appointment and as we arrived – either because we were late or just because I was breathing – he was screaming all kinds of things at me.  As I walked past this older woman, clearly in her 60’s or older, she turned to me and said, “Honey, you better get away from him while you still can.  Trust me, he is never going to change.”  He heard what she said and yelled at her to mind her business.

I had to only be about 17 or 18 when this happened and I have never forgotten her or her words.  He even remembers her.  I brought her up once a few years ago … “I should have listened to that woman.”  Of course, he had some stupid comment but he knew exactly who I was talking about.

She was right.  And she was the only one who ever approached us during an argument.  A little old woman.

FACT: What is dating violence?

Teen dating violence  [PDF 187KB] is defined as the physical, sexual, or psychological/emotional violence within a dating relationship, as well as stalking. It can occur in person or electronically and may occur between a current or former dating partner. You may have heard several different words used to describe teen dating violence. Here are just a few:

• Relationship Abuse
• Intimate Partner Violence
• Relationship Violence
• Dating Abuse
• Domestic Abuse
• Domestic Violence

Adolescents and adults are often unaware that teens experience dating violence. In a nationwide survey, 9.4 percent of high school students report being hit, slapped, or physically hurt on purpose by their boyfriend or girlfriend in the 12 months prior to the survey. (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2011 Youth Risk Behavior Survey). About 1 in 5 women and nearly 1 in 7 men who ever experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner, first experienced some form of partner violence between 11 and 17 years of age (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2010 National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey).

Today I decided to post a couple of videos.

I’m not sure if these will cause any triggers for anyone.  They both are based on after the violence.  One showing how bruises pop up one after the other and the other shows in a non-chalant kind of way how to cover up bruises.

It rarely stops:

 

How to cover up bruises:

 

Luckily, I never had to cover up facial bruises.  Not to say my face was never bruised but it was such a minimal amount of times that I can barely remember what I did about them.  It was quite possibly after I was working from home so I didn’t have to worry about going to work and people seeing my face.  Somehow, he always possessed enough sense to get me where no one could see.  The only thing to come of that is people have asked on occasion why I’d be wearing a jacket or long sleeves during the summer.

As usual…I had an excuse ready.

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Fact Source:  Centers for Disease Control and Prevention

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To read from the beginning… #MyStory starts here.

Battered Wife Q & A

Here’s something a little different.  Usually, in deciding on what topic I want to write about next, I think of a situation with my husband or my Ex that stands out in my memory and how it made me feel.  I take myself back to that time to bring up how I felt when it was happening and pretty much once I start typing it just flows.  Sometimes I may even cut short what I’m saying so it’s not so long of a story that the person reading skims through or gives up.  But this time I wanted to do something else.  Instead of me just going off about one certain incident and how it affected me, I’m wondering what you guys are thinking.

This is for all of those who have been keeping up with me for the past two months and even if you’ve only read one or a few of my posts, it doesn’t matter.  Please ask me something, anything about what I’ve already written about or something you are wondering about in general.  Like I said, I’ve hit on a lot of subjects that have been in the front of my mind for all of these years but maybe one of your questions will pull something out that I have been holding in that I’m not even aware of.  I am interested to see where this may lead so no question is out of line.  I don’t insult easy so no worries about hurting my feelings.

Maybe this will work out the way I’m anticipating or maybe it will be a flop.  I have to admit, this is a little scary.  I’m a semi-controlling personality so the fact that I have no idea what people will ask has got me a little….yikes!  Thanks in advance…wish me luck! 🙂

Choice and Consequence

There you have it.  I decided.  Broke up with my boyfriend (or should I say devastatingly ripped the rug out from under him), and decided to give Guy #1 a chance.  So exciting, right?  Yeah….no, not really.

We started dating, movies, dinner, hanging out at his house, getting to know his family.  They all loved me.  Very welcoming.  There was no pressure to have sex because I had come to find out that he was a virgin.  And even though I was not it was nice not to have that added pressure.  However, two months later, we finally did it.  Now that the first time was out of the way, it became a little more of a part of our routine.  Don’t forget this is still early on – honeymoon phase – so everything seems fine although I start to notice a few things that really bother me.

He decides to walk with me past the building where my ex lived.  Don’t forget, I knew everyone in the building and so I felt the daggers from everyone.  We walked through and I remember pleading…I do not want to go on the block.  He really wasn’t hearing it.  Didn’t see anything wrong with walking by there.  Almost like parading his new trophy.  To make matters worse, he wanted to sit in the park that was directly under my ex’s bedroom window.  My heart was breaking.  I knew he would see us.  I felt horrible.  I just wanted to run out of the park as fast as possible.  Thankfully, we didn’t stay long.  This was the first time I started to question my decision.

Not long after, my new boyfriend (Guy #1) received a letter in the mail.  This is when I started to learn a little bit about what went on while he was gone for a year and a half.  Some of the trouble he had gotten into resulted in this letter regarding a Grand Jury indictment.  What did I know about this world?  To me this meant…he’s going to jail.  It was also the first and one of the very few times I saw him cry.  He cried because he didn’t want to lose me.  He had just gotten back and now he had me and he wanted to get on the right path – now this.  I don’t really remember what led up to the change in mood but I am sure – as would become the usual excuse – I did something to provoke it.

I remember standing in his room and after something I said he reached out and slapped me in the face.  It was the last thing I expected so of course I was not prepared and with the impact of his hand to my face, my entire body spun around.  A complete 360.  My body and his mood.  WTF?  I was stunned.  I can’t even remember what the hell ran through my mind at that moment.  I just remember my cheek was burning and I said a few curses and went for the door.  He grabbed me – lovingly – and apologized profusely.  Blamed it on his fear of possibly going to jail.  Okay.  That’s plausible.  Again, what do I know.  I’m 17 years old – just left the love of my life for a guy that just hit me.  Now what?

Who do I tell? Do I tell anyone?  I can’t go back to my ex because he is devastated and would probably never forgive me anyway.  Do I go to my parents? Well, my father kind of hit my mother over the years so I’m not exactly sure how that would go.  They didn’t like him anyway, as they also didn’t like my ex.  Guy #1 was too old for me and Guy #2 was black.  They forget that we’re a biracial family…my father being Puerto Rican and my mother Italian – but I digress.  Long story short…I kept it to myself.

He promised it wouldn’t happen again.  I believed he was upset about the possibility of prison.  So we started working on getting a lawyer and figuring out what was going to be happening with this case.  Plus, I still had school and was about to graduate in a few months.  So we went on with our daily routines.

As I’ve already mentioned….I thought I knew it all.  Ha!  Don’t we all.  In the mornings he would wait for me to walk to school, already drinking his morning beer.  (Don’t forget he is 5 years older than me).  I quickly got annoyed by the smell of beer and the drunk – but not really drunk – state.  It was annoying and embarrassing.  He was super jealous and was always questioning me.  Who was I with before him, does anyone talk to me, have I seen my ex.  It became overbearing and scary.

Then arguments in public started.  More hitting.  More excuses.  As I look back now I can clearly realize how the manipulation worked.  There was always a reason.  Always.

Fork in the Road

As I was saying, Guy #2 and I had dated for a year and a half.  We were very happy and very much in love.  We discussed future plans once I turned 18 and it didn’t look like there was anything that would come in the way of our happiness.  Except Guy #1.

One day, I’m at work and Guy #1 shows up and surprises me.  Out of nowhere.  Remember, hadn’t seen or heard from him in a year and a half.  So as a typical 17 year old would, I got all giddy and excited.  Especially since when I was kind of pursuing him he wasn’t really letting on that he liked me all that much.  Now he was back and he came looking for me.

He waited until I got out of work and walked me home.  I was excited but at the same time apprehensive because, after all, I had a boyfriend and was happy and in love.  Last thing I wanted was to be seen with Guy #1 and have people run and tell my boyfriend.  As we were walking, he was making his plea to me.  How he had gotten into trouble and went to live with his grandmother.  But now that he is back and has some perspective he wants to get back on the right track and wants me to be his girl.

Let me just say at 17 years old…all of us (speaking for the ladies) are fragile and want someone that likes us and wants to be with us.  Now I have the love of my life counting down the days until I’m 18 so that we can live happily ever after .. and here comes the guy I was crushing on looking for me telling me I’m the one for him.  WHAT???!!!

Who the hell can handle this?  Of course, that’s what my brain says as an adult.  It took me a long time to understand that I was thinking with a child’s mind and it’s no wonder I chose the way I did.  But back then…what a rush.  I was wanted.  By two men.  Who both said they loved me.  Now I had to decide – or did I?

I didn’t jump into a decision ( I thought about it all week).  I was really contemplating this.  Why was there a decision to be made anyway?  If I was happy where I was then why stray?  I guess to fulfill some teenage hormonal crush induced imaginary love.  If I stayed with my boyfriend would I always wonder if I made the right decision?  If I broke up with him I am going to crush him. After all, I have no valid reason.  There is nothing wrong in our relationship.  He always feared that Guy #1 would come back and split us up and no matter how many times I talked him out of that (because I didn’t believe it was true) here it was…happening.  My chest hurt and I was so sad knowing the pain I was going to cause.  At the same time, if I stayed I was scared I may be unfaithful.  I didn’t want that to be the case.  Just in writing this I can vividly recall the turmoil I was in.  What should I do?

Long story short…as you may have already realized, I broke up with Guy #2 and started dating Guy #1.  Somehow, even at the tender age of 17, I already knew this decision was going to shape the rest of my life.  Good or bad is what remained to be seen.