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Kismet
Say it ain’t so….I missed last week’s Haiku challenge! What can I say, the week just got away from me. Determined not to let that happen again, here I am. And because I adore my #Haikumily, I am combining last week’s prompt words (Love & Last) along with this week’s prompt words (Source & Thought). Another week full of mush…don’t judge me! 🙂 As always, thanks to Sir Ronovan, for hosting the Weekly Haiku Poetry Prompt Challenge. He really is top notch.
Kismet
I was your first love,
Falling deep and forever,
You will be my last.
This beautiful man,
The source of my every thought,
Faith, hope and focus.
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DISCLAIMER: PLEASE NOTE THIS POEM IS NOT ABOUT MY ABUSER.
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You can check out more of my poetry here and also here.
Heart & Soul
“Her Haiku are…micro chapters of her autobiography. They tell a story. You can tell where she is and what she is thinking in the moment. In other words, her Haiku are honest.” — Ronovan
For those of you that don’t know, Ronovan, the host of the Weekly Haiku Challenge that I participate in, does an end of the week review, a round-up, if you will, of all the Haiku challenge participants. He is always kind in his reviews, even when at times he doesn’t connect with the poetry. His goal, I believe, is to have everyone read each other’s work and support one another.
The quote above is just a fraction of the beautifully kind words he wrote of my work. (To read in full, click here.) I think I appreciated these words above all other weeks’ reviews because I know that he gets it – what I’m trying to do with Haiku. The fact that my poetry is reflecting my story and what’s in my head at the moment AND the fact that people -get it- means a lot.
That being said, this week’s word prompts are New & Time. These two words are almost custom made for my story. There is so much I could do with them. However, staying true to what’s in my head and my heart at this moment, which is even lighter than last week, I can’t help but end up with a somewhat softer and mushier Haiku. And because the mush overfloweth, this week there are three for you…of my Haiku. I hope you enjoy.
Time spent together,
Reminiscing of young love,
Making new mem’ries.
As a new day dawns,
We breathe in rhythm and rhyme,
Our hearts know no time.
Twin flames burn as one,
Two souls forever embraced,
Thus, the time is near.
I just realized I didn’t put ‘new’ into the third haiku but I like it as is so my brain is refusing to think of a proper adjustment using the word new. I’m leaving it the way it is.
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You can read more of my Haiku here
View my poetry in pictures here.
Realistic Dreams
Under the dark moon, by the light of a faint lantern,
I am captivated by your adoring chestnut eyes,
as they are entranced in the cerulean depth of my own.
Unbridled passion increases into an animalistic frenzy
with instinctual urgency to fulfill each other’s needs.
All the while verbal communication is unnecessary.
Yet another night I’ve awakened from my dreams
as a thousand yesterdays replay within my psyche.
Each one continually leading us in the same direction.
Indeed, if our eyes are the doorway to the soul,
we can slumber peacefully knowing our yesterdays
will turn into our tomorrow sooner than we think.
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See this poem on Pinterest.
This #ComboPrompt is a compilation of the following prompts:
Issued by #ashverse – “dark moon” & “faint lantern”
Issued by #Magick_Words – “awaken” & “the soul”
Issued by #WrittenRiver – “a thousand yesterdays”
Strawberries and Flowers
Special thanks to Ronovan, who after being sick and having not such a great week, still fulfilled his blogations and posted this week’s Haiku Challenge right on time. And I, for one, am glad he did. You don’t have to be into writing poetry to be into his blog. He’s got a lot more going on than haiku. Definitely check it out.
Although new prompts are posted every Monday, I usually take a day or two or seven and let the words marinate before I commit to my haiku. This week’s words seemed to have so much flavor that I was able to get out two, haiku.
My entry for this week’s
RonovanWrites Weekly #Haiku
#Poetry Prompt Challenge #36
Prompts: Field & Beacon
Haiku #1
Her beacon of hope,
Contemplating the next move,
Waits in flower fields.
Haiku #2
I can hear John sing,
Strawberry Fields, forever
a beacon of peace.
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Read more Haiku challenge entries here.
Intermission
I’ve been staring blindly at this canvas,
and the reality of what’s in front of me
is nothing more than a blank painting.
At least that’s all my eyes can see.
But the imagery flickering inside my head
plays on continuously, without an end.
A silent movie only I can see,
As I watch and cry … and repeat.
Somewhere from within the voices say
this is my punishment for walking away.
Each time we decide to stop and start
are lessons meant to torment my heart.
Even still, I will never wish it away.
No matter the scar stripes or pain.
You’re my dirty addiction, I’m hooked,
each time your voice calls my name.
Secretive meetings, at least to some,
all part of that rush, risking temptation.
When it becomes too real for you, with respect,
I follow your lead and do as you do.
Pursuing redemption has been
the ultimate back story of my life.
Since the day I walked out of yours
instead of becoming your wife.
So here I am left, to wonder,
which existence is real.
That one which I can see
or the one which I can feel.
Maybe I am sleeping.
Maybe it’s all a dream.
Maybe when I awaken,
you’ll be lying next to me.
Ode to wishful thinking.
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See this poem on Pinterest.
This #ComboPrompt is a compilation of the following prompts:
Issued by #ashverse – “blank painting” & “walking away”
Issued by #poetheme – Theme of the week “see”
Issued by #capturedpoets – “punishment”
Issued by #WordVerse – “scar stripes”
Issued by #HeartSoup – “dirty addiction”
Issued by #soulhoot – “your voice”
Issued by #MadVerse – “pursuing redemption” & “risking temptation”
Issued by #Magick_Words – “respect”
Issued by #AMSPC – “wishful thinking”
Sitting Still
My entry for this week’s
RonovanWrites Weekly #Haiku
#Poetry Prompt Challenge #31
Prompts: Wait & Move
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You can read more of my Haiku challenge entries here.
Check out some of my picture poetry on Pinterest.
Life and Death
Yesterday, one of my daughter’s friends committed suicide. She was 20 years old, a beautiful young lady with many friends and a whole lifetime ahead of her. The thing is, even with all those friends and the smile that was always on her face, no one has a clue as to why she would do something like this. As far as they’re all piecing together, there was no depression, no break-up, nothing that would seem like such a heavy burden that she’d have nowhere else to turn. Her friends and family are in shock. All questions may inevitably go unanswered. The only thing that can be established is that something was troubling her. On her last night with friends she commented — I think I need to make an appointment with a doctor because I feel like killing myself. In the morning, she was gone.
This is the first close friend my daughter has lost — and in such a tragic and meaningless way. At her age, I had already lost three friends. Two in car accidents and one was murdered. All so young, and also meaningless deaths in events that may possibly have been able to be avoided but who really knows. Maybe it is every bit true that when your time is up…it’s up.
This event has me in a strange place. Maybe because of how young this girl was or maybe because she lived on the same block I did when I first got married. I lived there at the same age that this girl was when she took her last breath. All I can seem to think about is when I was her age…I too wanted to die. The early years in my marriage were more than I could handle at times and I thought about it. Even though those thoughts crossed my mind -often- I could never really go through with it. After all, I was already a mother. What would happen to my child if I was not there?
Since in my heart I knew I could never pull it off, I would pray. Pray that my husband would hit me so hard in the wrong spot or that he’d make good on his threats of stabbing or shooting me to death. I was hopeless. I was helpless. I was desperate. If I did not have the courage enough to get up and get out and had no help from my parents or anyone else, then why not just pray for death? What would have been so bad? It would have been just another – too young, too soon – tragic story. I would have been mourned and life would have continued on without me…without me being abused.
No one knows this but…I tried. From memory, I think it was only twice. Stupid things that would not have done anything – which did not do anything – but to a 20 year old the possibility was there. I remember taking several Tylenol or Ibuprofen or Motrin or Naproxen, I can’t even remember which. Nothing strong enough to do any real damage but I didn’t know that at the time. Another time, I took his belt and wrapped it around my neck and pulled. Hard. I guess I thought I could choke myself that way? Who the hell knows what I was thinking.
I longed for death but didn’t want it to be painful. Go figure. I could take the punches of a man who hit me like he was fighting another man in the street but I couldn’t slit my own wrists. Plus, really…slitting my wrists? That is so “suicidal” and I was above that. I had a real reason for wanting to give up. Not just teenage drama that I was too scared to tell my parents about. For God’s sake, I was being fucking beaten, whipped, spit on, tormented and tortured. With no possible end in sight …who wouldn’t pray for death? Plus, I thought about my ex. It was bad enough I left him broken but if I killed myself or allowed myself to get killed it would send him over the edge. I could never forgive myself for hurting him in that way.
Once I realized I could never really go through with it, I turned on myself. I blamed myself for making the horrific decision of leaving the love of my life and going with someone who abused me. So when he was done doing his best to bruise my body, I’d go into the bathroom and run the water…because he wanted ordered me to soak my rapidly color changing welts under the cold water. I’d turn the tub and sink faucets on full blast so he couldn’t hear and…attack myself. If I could take his hits, surely I could take my own. So, I hit myself…on the head, face, arms, stomach and legs…pretty hard, for self infliction. I’m not exactly sure what my logic was. What was I accomplishing? It was just a way of me punishing myself – for leaving my ex and for not leaving the abuse. Then I’d just curl up on the floor and cry. Sobbing…I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Less sorry to myself and more sorry to my ex. This was about the time I decided to suck it up, take my medicine and survive until I was able to make it out.
What is my point in telling this part of my story? Like everything else I have written about, I need to let it go. Get it off of my chest… off of my back…out of my mind. Throw it away into the universe. I don’t want it anymore. I’m not that person anymore. I won’t lie and say in all these years the same thoughts haven’t crept up on me, they have. But I am very, very far from that desperate 20 year old that prayed for death. My life was so filled with my own drama that no one knew about at the time (at least not that I’m aware of), I couldn’t imagine any other way to free myself from it.
Again, my thoughts turn to my daughter’s friend. What in the world could she have been going through that she would contemplate and inevitably – whether on purpose or accidentally – follow through with her ideations of suicide? I can’t imagine it was something like I was going through. If not abuse, what? Did she flunk out of school? Did she get fired from her job? Did she get pregnant? Was she in the closet about her sexuality? Was she raped? Did she truly believe that there was something so devastating going on in her life that there was absolutely no one she could turn to? How desperately tragic. If she only knew…everyone that knew her sat vigil in front of her house last night. Everyone is posting pictures of them with her on her Facebook page. Everyone is calling her a beautiful angel. She will never know how many people really, truly loved her.
For some reason this poor little girl is gone. For some reason I am still here. Funnily enough, I no longer pray for death. Instead, I pray for life. I pray for me to calmly and rationally finish this chapter of my life so I can move on to better days. I am still alive.
My 20 year old self would have never believed it but today, in the matter of life and death…amazingly, I choose life.
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To read from the beginning… my story starts here.
18 Days
Ugh…18 days!! I can’t believe I have gone so long without a post. Believe me, this was never intended. Most especially because I know when writing about this topic going MIA sends people into a frenzy. I myself have gone into a panic checking on people I hadn’t heard from in a while so I know how it goes. If I had any of you concerned, my apologies.
Quite a few things have gone on since my last post (nope, still here) and it all has had my head in a tailspin. My mind was on overload and I could barely form a thought let alone post something semi comprehensible. Last I left off was midway through my Sweet Heart Series, which I fully intended to carry on until Valentine’s Day. However, I had weekend plans that took me out of state. A surprise party.
I had known about the possibility of this party since September – on my last weekend visit to my dear friend – let’s give him a name already or at least an initial – R. There ya go. So R is basically my consigliere, my guru, my confidant…my virtual bestie if you will. Being as he works 99% of the time and most conversations are via text. But when I have a problem, he’s there. This is my friend who I have mentioned throughout this blog. At first, the only one who knew of said blog.
Anyway, his wife mentioned throwing him a surprise party when my ex and I had gone there in September. I knew it would be highly unlikely that I would be able to make another trip out of state “alone”. Usually, if I go visit family I will take one of my kids with me and there is never an issue. When the mention of the party came around again I knew I had to be there. So, I came up with a story and a travel companion and although there was some huffing and puffing, luckily there was no issue on me actually going. I was able to get out and go be part of my friend’s surprise.
As luck would have it, I knew someone who was going to the same party. Someone who just happened to need a ride. Someone who was looking forward to spending the weekend with me. Yeah, my ex.
Since our last visit (The Flip Side), we had spoke of the possibility of a follow-up trip. We were both so relaxed the last time. It was a really good visit. This time we were a little concerned about extra people that might be there. I gave him the option that if he was at all uneasy about being there “together” and others seeing and knowing then I would not go. He is like a brother to our friend and his presence trumped mine and I would have gladly forfeited if it meant our stay would be less than perfect.
It ended up that the other couple we knew going we both trust. The husband being someone my ex grew up with and someone I have known nearly since birth. I had worked with his wife in the past and so I was fine with being there with the two of them, both of us were. So we went. Our friend was so shocked and surprised, not only at his party but that we came back — together.
Another perfect two days…relaxed, peaceful, content…just as it should have been all these years. Which did come up a couple of times. This was how our lives would have been if we had stayed together from the start. Comfortable and natural…and a lot of smiling. Makes me believe that happiness is definitely a possibility in the future.
Of course, coming home is always the let down. Dropping him off makes me sad. Walking in my front door…depressing. The week following was pretty much me spiraling into sadness and depression because of feeling so at peace with my ex yet still living this reality. Rethinking all of the little things that were said and done while we were away. There were moments when I contemplated not coming home at all.
I’ve made quick decisions like that in my youth. Got mad at my parents and stayed out all night….or at least until they made enough calls to find me and come drag me out of wherever I was. As much as my heart wants to do the same thing now, I know I have to play this out smart. I have to plan and be prepared in order to get out in one piece and stay that way. The more I keep things calm here the more I think I can plant seeds – unknowingly – in preparation. If I use my head and play it smart I think in the end there will be less of a roar and more of a whimper. We’ll see.
Time always flies when you’re not counting the days but when you’re watching the clock…how slow it goes.
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To read from the beginning… my story starts here.
Not Just Wishful Thinking
Today I was read by a psychic medium.
It wasn’t the first time. The first time was at least 15 years ago and that guy read pictures and told things about what was going to happen and insanely enough…he was right on about everything he said. Even the stuff that seemed bizarre … happened.
As for today’s reading, it was a wonderful confirmation of things that I have been hoping and praying for. Things that I am working on and prepping for and that needed validation.
First of all, it was last minute. I had no idea I was going so there was no prep time for him to research who I was and to feed me some crap that he could find out online. Nope. It was nothing like that. He started off by telling me something that happened to my stepfather last week. Something no one knows. Good start.
He moved on to tell me that my maternal grandmother was present and that even though I had never met her (she died 8 days before I was born), she has been with me my whole life. And that she was very sharp tongued and blunt when she said…my husband was dead weight. Lol…can you imagine?
He said to me, “You are working alone in that marriage. You take care of everything. It’s almost as if he feels he has earned or is entitled to sitting back and you taking care of it all. You work, you make sure everything is okay with the kids and you take care of the house. And he does nothing.”
Continuing on he said, “Even for Christmas you did everything. And he didn’t do a single thing and didn’t worry about it because he knew you’d take care of it.” Now let me elaborate on how true this is…I bought the (6ft. real) tree…brought it home…put it in the stand…decorated it…decorated the front window and the house…bought ALL of the gifts and wrapped everything, etc. Luckily, the kids and I were blessed that he had to work Christmas day. Best gift we’ve gotten in a long time! Point being…the medium was, yet again, correct.
He continued on to tell me how everything is going to be okay…and that there is happiness in my future. He confirmed that once my son graduates high school the opportunity will present itself and when it does, leave. He said, “Do not worry. You have sacrificed your happiness for the sake of your kids for all these years. Now it is your time.”
He told me how my marriage was solely meant for my children and nothing else. Which is something I have said before. I have felt for a long time my kids were a part of God’s plan and that was why I ended up with my husband. He also brought up my Ex and confirmed things about him and about us that I already knew to be true. So that was comforting to hear.
My grandmother had a few more choice words to say about my husband. I believe he may have picked up on the abuse but possibly didn’t want to go there being as we only had a limited amount of time. He also hit on other areas of my life that were very accurate. One of them being, “I don’t mean to be rude but your sex life sucks”. (As discussed in Let’s Talk About Sex so we know that’s accurate!)
There was a group of people to see him and not one of us left him without tears in our eyes. Even the men that got a reading came back crying. The one thing that I find strange is…he asked all the others except for me and my friend who was hosting the gathering if they had any questions for him. He didn’t ask me that. He straight out told me…”when you need me…call me.” That’s the only thing I find a little creepy.
Otherwise…it was great validation to know that I am on the right path to my exit from this life. Everything I have been feeling and been aware of for all these years seems to be accurate. I didn’t really question my own judgment in the first place but it is comforting to know that this is something the universe is confirming and that it’s…not just wishful thinking.
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To read from the beginning… my story starts here.
Battered Wife Seeking Better Life 